PART 1PART 2PART 3PART 4PART 5 Previously on Blog Wars:Suddenly, Lance Armstrong dropped dead. Jodie Foster, Jesus and John Wayne Gacy looked down at the bar at the Cyclist Corpse. Jesus laughs“This reminds of the time when Michael Landon and I were in Belgium. No, wait…it was Amsterdam. Not that it matters. A change in … Continue reading
Look Who’s Talking is a drama I made about the plight of single mothers everywhere. It’s hard enough to shove a baby out of your action, but these women get up the next morning and go to work, so they can get up in the middle of the night to feed those fuckers. Breastmilk ain’t … Continue reading
When you get right down to it, there are only two kinds of movies a filmmaker can make: good ones and chick flicks. But even the best chick flick in the world will only bring in half your potential audience, same with good movies. Logically, the holy grail of dough-printing would be a film that … Continue reading
Stephen Spielberg, my mentor-turned-protege, shot me a text the other day: “Help, Georgie is on my ass again about this Indiana Jones shit! I’m an artist now, Sam. I can’t go back to his cutesy shenanigans! You gotta help me!” Never being one to leave an old friend in a bind, I immediately agreed to … Continue reading
It seemed so simple. All I wanted to do was make a remake of 3:10 to Yuma. A little Western action, heroes and villains, pride: lost and found. The studio said, “Yeah, sure. Here’s Batman, don’t let him get hurt out there.” I walked out of the office thinking, “Hmmm, that was too easy.” Turns … Continue reading
In the late nineties, I happened to notice that fellas were not the awesome badasses they used to be. All the Rambos and Commandos were gone, replaced with Matt Damons and Ben Affleckseses. Seemed like an odd phenomenon to me, so I decided to make a movie about it. Twenty-seven Oscars later, I’m not sure … Continue reading
A lot of people think Ballistic: Ecks Vs. Sever (B:Ev.S) is just another dumb action movie. Wrong! B:Ev.S is an action movie yes, but it is so much more: a sequel to Assassins, an entry to the Batman franchise, the third Charlie’s Angles movie, and a prequel to the Kill Bill series. Young Assassin from … Continue reading
I was paid thirty million dollars to make a thirty second commercial for Fed-Ex. But guess what. My check came a day late. And guess who delivered it! So I took their stupid pile of cash, wiped my ass with one half, and used the other to make a movie about the two things I … Continue reading
Question: What’s eating Gilbert Grape? Answer: Nothing. He lives at the end. I know a lot of horror film fans were misled by the title of this film. Sorry about that. The truth is, I wanted to call it What’s Buggin Gilbert Grape, but my producers felt that was too close to John Singleton’s then-upcoming … Continue reading
Okay. The Goonies. Someone on my staff informed me that I actually made this piece of shit. I didn’t want to believe it, but my old pseudonym is right there in the credits: “Directed By: 8-ball LvR.” I just knew those Party with Stephen King days would come back to haunt me. The Goonies is … Continue reading