Okay. The Goonies. Someone on my staff informed me that I actually made this piece of shit. I didn’t want to believe it, but my old pseudonym is right there in the credits: “Directed By: 8-ball LvR.” I just knew those Party with Stephen King days would come back to haunt me.
The Goonies is a family movie about a bunch of siblings who go off to find a treasure that might help their aggressively slutty mother pay their food and Nintendo bill. About Mrs. Goonie: my theory is that she attended a gang-bang, and one swimmer from each dude forced its way into her eggiwegg. Nine months later, Mrs. Goonie pushed out a litter of personality diverse Basterds.
She had the fat one, the Chinese one, the smartass one, the nerd one, the older one, and two girls: one hot, one lesbian. And, because nature won’t let you get away with this kind of shit, she had a mutant one too. This kid was flushed, but his misshapen head clogged the toilet. After plunging him out, they put him in a trashbag and threw it in the Humane Society’s incinerator.
The average day in a Goonie’s life is pretty simple. They all get together and make fun of each other. Fat Goonie has to lift his shirt so everyone can see his jello-bowl-earthquake impression. Smartass Goonie talks the loudest and gets ignored the most. Older Goonie lifts weights and rolls his eyes at how young his brothers are, while they give him shit for masturbating all the time. (They think only gay people masturbate; Older Goonie just rolls his eyes at their youthful ignorance and keeps whackin it.) Chinese Goonie’s genius for invention is constantly undermined by his inability to properly enunciate simple Engrish. Hot Girl Goonie stares at Older Goonie’s muscles, while Lesbian Girl Goonie stares at Hot Girl Goonie’s earrings and thinks, “You’re pretty enough without those. Why do you let society tell you how to look?”
But Nerd Goonie is the real head honcho of the group. He not the kind of nerd who makes fun of people on the Internet. No, he’s the nerd type that exhibits unflinching optimism no matter how bad a scenario gets. The kind of nerd who needs braces AND an inhaler. Every stranger is just a friend he hasn’t met yet. He’s THAT kind of nerd…a Sean Astin kind of nerd.
Mrs. Goonie needs money, and she needs it soon (she wants to have an operation to make her face less 1980’s). While digging around in the attic for his grandfather’s Boy’s Life collection, Nerd Goonie stumbles across a treasure map. “It says it leads to gold hidden by a pirate named One-Eye Willie!” Everyone laughs at the name. “What? I don’t get it?” Smartass Goonie smacks him across the cheek pimples. “Holy shit! You are such a fucking Nerd! One-Eye Willie is another way of saying wiener.” He just stares at them. “What’s a wiener?” Boy, do I miss Sean Astin (RIP).
We momentarily leave this hodge-podge of hilarity to visit the local prison. One of the inmates has hung himself because he’s tired of all the other prisoners shooting him with horrible, face-scarring BB’s. A guard tries to cut him down and GUESS WHAT! it was all an elaborate rouse to get the guard’s keys. After navigating that one horrible hurdle, he walks out of prison and into his family’s car. There’s his mother, a bulldog with tits, and his brother, Joey Pantswithhair. After outrunning the cops, they go to their quaint crab shack on the beach, where Momma Bulldog feeds her boys spaghetti and smacks them around just to keep ‘em mean.
Uh-oh, the first stop on Penis Pirate’s treasure map is a very similar 17th Century crab shack! Those Goonies are gonna have to Goon their asses off if they wanna live through this one!
They burst in like they own the place, and run around like asshole chickens when they find that they do not, in fact, own the place. Nerd Goonie manages to uncover the hidden cave entrance, and they all run through it. All except for Fat Goonie, who gets caught for obvious movie reasons (small hole vs. wide load = hilarity).
Instead of going after The Goonies, Momma Bulldog decides to torture Fat Goonie into spilling something that might save them some walking. He tells them all about the treasure, then continues to confess every bad thing he’s ever done, including the time he realized he could make gourmet salad dressings by eating the ingredients, then barfing them up twenty minutes later. “Hmmm,” says Momma Bulldog. “Let’s file this one under: Mutant Retard.”
They throw him in a room filled with candy bar wrappers and a television that plays Superman Returns on a constant loop. From the shadows, a gross, hulking menace roars at Fat Goonie. When it steps into the light, he finally meets his long lost brother Mutant Goonie. “I thought you were dead,” Fat Goonie admits. “Not dead,” he answers. “Just handsome.” With Fat Goonie’s remarkable pushing weight and Mutant Goonie’s retard strength, they break out of the room in no time. Mutant Goonie becomes more of a badass the further from Superman Returns he gets.
The other Goonies are having a rough time getting to their treasure. The entire cave is rigged with clever booty traps only Chinese Goonie is smart enough to avoid. It’s not easy for him though, because Smartass Goonie is always yelling in his ear, Nerd Goonie is always whispering in his ear, Hot Girl Goonie and Older Goonie are always making out in his ear, and Lesbian Girl Goonie is always promoting Barack Obama in his ear. He repeatedly tells them to stop, but they only laugh at his adorable accent.
Still, they manage to survive. Tired and ready to get fucking paid, the Goonies board a docked pirate ship, which floats atop a sea of water made out of blue plastic.
Once inside, Nerd Goonie takes over. He enters a room filled with gold pieces, and finds the penis itself, One-Eyed Willie. For some reason, seeing the pirate’s rotted skeleton opens a kind of emotional connection between them. Or so it would seem. What’s really going on is, Nerd Goonie finally found a buddy who can’t call him a nerd. “What? You don’t want us to steal your money? Okay. Hey, you should come over to my house sometime and listen to DC Talk with me. Yeah, I know I’m radical.”
He goes to tell his siblings not to steal anything, but it’s too late. They have already filled their pockets, and swallowed as many gold-stuffed condoms as their stomachs would allow. “No!” he yells. Smartass Goonie dances like Michael Jackson, then karate chops him in the balls. “Take that, Nerd!” Nerd Goonie tries to respond but gets shot in the head instead.
“We killed the Nerd as a warning shot!” yells Joey Pantswithhair. The three bad guys step out, guns pointed. “That’s our gold,” says the guy who’s face is like a Special Olympics golf course. “Give it to us now, then drown yourselves.”
Before they can do that a sword flies through the air and stabs him in the face. They all gasp in surprise as Fat Goonie and Mutant Goonie leap onto the ship, rusty swords in hand. Mutant Goonie’s wearing a Superman Returns shirt. The word “Returns” is crossed out with mutant feces. It smells better than regular feces.
Fat Goonie takes on Joey Pantswithhair, while Mutant Goonie wrassles Momma Bulldog. Fat Goonie lets out a chubby battle cry, and Joey Pantswithhair loses his edge laughing at it. Fat Goonie slices his guts open and eats his stomach, which technically is like eating two lunches at the same time.
Mutant Goonie isn’t so lucky. Because he has one high-eye and one low-eye, he has to turn his head sideways just to see correctly. This makes it real easy for her to lop it off, which she does. Fat Goonie sees this and loses his shit. He tackles her off the boat, and they are eaten by a Styrofoam octopus. That’s like…five lunches at the same time! Think about it.
The remaining Goonies take their loot and drive the ship out of the cave. There is a laser set up though, and when one of the specially tagged gold pieces crosses the lasers, the ship explodes. Miraculously, The Goonies survive the explosion. Surprised, they all hug in celebration, but the close contact accidentally triggers Chinese Goonie’s self destruct button. THIS explosion only Old Goonie lives through. Why him? Cause he’s Motherfucking Josh Brolin, that’s why! His dad was in Westworld!
Behind every great book adaptation is a forgettable first try. — By Ryan Covey