It seemed so simple. All I wanted to do was make a remake of 3:10 to Yuma. A little Western action, heroes and villains, pride: lost and found. The studio said, “Yeah, sure. Here’s Batman, don’t let him get hurt out there.” I walked out of the office thinking, “Hmmm, that was too easy.” Turns out I was right. My cell phone rang and the axe came down: “We’d like you to cast Fighter Crow as the bad guy.” Shit. Fucking shit. I knew that with Fighter Crow as the bad guy, my movie was fucked. Crow’s bad guys are so not bad that it makes Jesus jealous.

This fucking bullshit. The first time we see him, he’s robbing a caravan full of rich child rapists. When one of his men tries to do something badass, like kill somebody, Crow has HIS man shot and gives $25,000 to the person he scared a little. “Go,” he says. “Build a hospital for sick Native Americans.” His crew watches this in awe. “You’re a good man,” they say.

“No,” he replies. “Evil thrives through me like a cancer. I’m bad to the bone.” They, and the audience, will have to continue taking his word for it.

This particular robbery is witnessed by a coward farmer named Footloose and his son Footashamed. The boy thinks he should join the gang and maybe be cool for once in his life. Footloose looks down at his boy and seethes, “That will never happen. We’re turning them in.” So they go do that, and Fighter crow gets arrested. He takes a fall so none of his gang faces any danger. “I did it. I did it all. These men are just my hostages.” One by one, his men whisper him a thank you. One by one he tells them, “Don’t thank me. Get away from me. I’m a bad, dangerous man.” They keep assuming he’s being sarcastic.

Since he’s been robbing and not killing people all over the country, his execution can’t be handled locally. Someone needs to get him on a train, so he can be executed in Yuma by the President of the United States. All the local lawmen are too scared to do it cause they know his gang is going to break him out. Footloose doesn’t want to do it either, but feels compelled to by the ashamed look his boy keeps shooting at him. This is the “Old West” version of “Daaaad!I wanna PS-Wii!”

Before they set out, he decides to have Crow over to his house for dinner. I don’t know why. Crow wrote this whole scene and filmed it while I was a sleep. Anyway, seeing Footloose’s family makes Crow realize how much of the man’s self pride is on the line. Even though it means his own death, he dedicates himself to getting on that train, even if it means he’ll have to kill his whole rescue crew. After dinner he tells him, “You know, I could fuck your wife. She’d be into it. But I’m not gonna, cause I like you.” Footloose understands him and pleads under his breath, “Don’t let my kid see you’re taking it easy on me.”

Another guy goes with them too. In the script he was a blind father of four with a terminally ill wife at home who he needs the money so he can give her the burial she deserves. Well, Fighter Crow got a hold of the script and turned this sympathetic character into a pitchfork-carrying jock who constantly beats and taunts the handcuffed Crow. That way, the audience doesn’t feel bad when Crow finally stabs him in the neck fifty times with a spork.

As they travel, Crow’s crew is moving in on them. Crow does everything in his power to slow them down, but they are being led by a REAL badguy now, so it’s out of his hands. Summing up the situation, he tells Footloose, “Things may get hairy. Is that gun loaded?”

“Only with B.B.’s.”

At this, his son interrupts. “No, Da. I knew you’d do something wimpy like that, so I replaced your B.B.’s with real bullets. Did the same to my gun, too.” Then he winks at Crow and walks back to the campfire. “You know,” Crow says. “I could fuck your kid. He’d be into it. But I’m not gonna, cause I like you.” A tear rolls down Footloose’s cheek. “Thank you. You are the greatest man I’ve ever met.” Crow disagrees, then recites an epic poem he wrote on the subject of his own evil. Its last line, “…that beautiful darkness in the heart of man.”

Pretty soon it’s almost showdown time (2:55pm Central). The train to Yuma lies before them, but between them and it is a town crawling with Crow’s goons. “Okay. It’s three o’clock and the train leaves at 3:10. We have ten minutes to shoot all my men.”

Suddenly Footloose freezes up. “I don’t wanna! I’m ascared!” Crow sees the boy’s face fall, more Footashamed than ever. It’s going to be harder than he thought to save this man’s pride.

Crow comes up with an ingenious plan. He forces his arms through Footloose’s sleeves and fires his gun for him, while making it look like he’s still captured against his will…or in love, depending on how you look at it. So as Footloose cries his way through the whole ordeal, Crow takes out thirty of his own men. Not only does the town fall for this rouse, but so does Footloose’s son. “Look at how awesome that guy/my da is!”

Crow almost makes it to the train, but gets shot by the badass. Firing blindly out of fear, Footloose manages to put a bullet into the badass’ face. His son sees this and marches directly to the internet to have his username changed from Footashamed to Footproud. The town congratulates him, but since he ultimately failed to get Crow to Yuma, he doesn’t get any of that fat reward money. But then, while digging through Crow’s pockets, the local preacher produces an envelope. “It’s for you,” he says to Footloose. He gives it to his son to open, afraid it might be anthrax. The envelope is filled with $20,000 million dollars. Crow’s corpse has a content smile on its face. The end.

Whoops! I forgot about Crow’s written and directed epilogue that I didn’t know about: they bury him in a cave…three days later they check on how his corps is rotting…IT IS GONE!!! HE HAS RISEN!!! 2nd the end.

(three stars)