When Silence of the Lambs came out, the audience I saw it with did a standing ovation. It took me a full minute to realize they weren’t being sarcastic. As a response I immediately went home, took my Human Race Card out of my dresser, and wiped my ass with it. I must have watched … Continue reading
Many books have been written about my career, but there’s not one book out there about my actual life. Well, Harold Bloom tried to write one, but it’s just a bunch of speculative nonsense, and at about page twenty it turns into a book about who would win in a fight between Iago and Hamlet. … Continue reading
Sometimes a movie really can be saved in the editing room. Such was the case when my grisly horror film, Gein and Bates vs. Leatherface, inexplicably transformed into my charming children’s film, The Adventures of Milo and Otis. Up in some Wisconsin middle of nowehereness, my crew and I were busy robbing local graves for … Continue reading
Cloverfield was an all out experiment for me, but not in the way most people think. The handheld camera element was decided early on as a marketing ploy and also a way to keep the budget really low. Obviously it made our camera expenses nonexistent, but it also gave me a built-in reason to hire … Continue reading
I made Reality Bites because I absolutely hated one of my kids. The little fucker didn’t want to do anything but smoke reefer, laugh at people, and attach the label “Stupid” onto everything he was too stupid to understand. I bought him everything he ever asked for and he called me a Capitalist. I started … Continue reading
Sometimes we filmmakers will make a movie just for a quick buck. But every once in a while something comes along that sets fire to your soul, something that will kill your heart if you don’t put it to film. For me, Encino Man was one of those movies. See, it’s all about the haves … Continue reading
Well, we’ve finally started filming Transformers 2, and compared to last time, I’ve really outdone myself as far as bullshit problems go. I’m telling you, this set is a madhouse. And not in that good way we all enjoyed in the 80’s when we were kids and didn’t know better. Ah, the 80’s. Back then, … Continue reading
Back in the nineties, I used to be good pals with Bob Zemeckis. One day we were trying out some new Doritos flavors when he said, “That Forrest Gump movie I did is doing some pretty good biz.” Then he started choking and I patted him on the back, saving his life again (long story). … Continue reading
Recently my friend Diablo Cody wrote a movie called Juno, which is a polite way of saying: recently I wrote a movie called Juno. What happened was, I owned a stripper place and got one of my strippers baby-riffic and she went for the big bortion and I had to pay for the whole goddamn … Continue reading
Once upon a time I made this move called The Sandlot. Yeah, I know it was good. I’m the guy who made the piece of shit remember? It was about a group of retarded children who played baseball. They were a really tight group of friends and they played all summer long. One kid was … Continue reading