When you get right down to it, there are only two kinds of movies a filmmaker can make: good ones and chick flicks. But even the best chick flick in the world will only bring in half your potential audience, same with good movies. Logically, the holy grail of dough-printing would be a film that appeals to both sexes, but that’s a tough nut to crack. Many have tried, but so far only two have succeeded: me and me when I was younger.
Anyone who wants to see an example only has to rent my film Ghost. (It should be easy to find cause the videotape is WHITE like a ghost, not BLACK like a videotape.) On the surface, Ghost is a pretty chicky chick flick, but underneath all that crying and lovemaking is a film where a guy gets fucking killed and gives up Heaven so he can fucking kill the bastard who fucking killed him. Yarrrr!
So there’s this guy named Sam, played by Patrick Swayze. We know Sam is awesome because he’s from Missouri and his face looks like a bag stuffed full of twitching muscle. He may be a little cross-eyed, but he can read the writing on the wall.
He and his lady friend, Moe, have just moved into a sweet New York apartment. It’s swank, but he blue-collars it up by bringing his favorite Missouri chair along with him. The best thing about the place is the scary Virgin Mary statue they got hanging off the roof, which exists only for foreshadowing purposes. Yeah, this apartment knows what movie it’s in.
Sam and Moe are pretty happy together. They have this cute thing where he always says “ditto” after she tells him “I love you.” She thinks he’s just being a smartass, but it’s actually a Missourian misunderstanding of what words mean. 49 out of 50 audiences thought this was hilarious.
On their last non-Ghost night together, Sam walks into Moe’s art room where she is working on some authentic “Indian” pottery. The way her fingers erotically run through the spinning clay makes him think about the Righteous Brothers. He puts on “Unchained Melody” and sits behind her. They close their eyes and work the clay together, letting the imagination of their fingers run wild. When the song is over, they’ve made a 1:1 scale replica of what it looks like when they make love, garnished with a giant clay heart and some clouds. It is breathtakingly erotic and romantic. Unlike sex for real, this statue will last long enough to enjoy.
The next night, Sam and Moe go to see The Mask of Zorro, a movie so unpopular it’s only playing in the ethnic part of town. On their way out, they are robbed by a gunman named Rat Man. He got this name after a bookie fed his face and voicebox to a bag-full of hungry rodents. Rat Man rips the pearl necklace from Moe’s neck and the life from Sam’s body.
As Moe cries over Sam’s dead body, Sam’s ghost gets invited to Heaven. “Thanks, but no thanks,” he tells God. “I’ve got some revenge’n to do.” God offers to kill Rat Man himself, but Sam declines. “I’ll only be satisfied if I do it myself.” God winks at him like a proud grampa. “Good job, Sam. That was a trick question. Go…kill.”
Now that Sam is a Ghost he needs to aquire two things: guns, and the ability to shoot guns. The first step is communication with the living so he goes to a psychic played by America’s #1 black comedianette: Tyler Perry. At first Tyler is reluctant to help Sam: “The only white boy I’m willing to lift a finger for is my man Jesus!” Sam takes advantage of the fact that she can’t actually see him: “Lady, I AM Jesus! And if you don’t help me buy a gun, my dad’s gonna put your ass in the slinger for eternity.” At this, Tyler Perry scratches her balls and stands up from her recliner. “Alright bitch! Let’s do this shit!” And off they go to buy two times what the first terminator bought.
This arsenal is worthless, however, if he can’t even pick it up. While mulling it over on a subway, the answer to this problem walks up and beats his ass. “This is MY train!” the guy screams through a melted Halloween mask. Sam notices that not only can this guy touch his Ghost ass, but his Ghost ass can touch non-Ghost stuff as well (excluding cigarettes). He begs Subway Ghost to train him, but Subway Ghost only answers with ass whoopin after ass whoopin. Sam is persistent though, and he finally wins after twenty five straight days of singing “Henry VIII” in Subway Ghost’s earholes.
And now…the training montage. This one is set to “Kokomo” by the Beach Boys.
Sam emerges from the subway trained as fuck and out for blood. He grabs his stashed weapons, heads to the sewers, and follows the rats to Rat Man’s apartment. But…
…he is already dead. Sam is shocked to see Moe standing over his body with a smoking pistol. A tear rolls down her cheek. Having avenged her man, she quietly says to herself, “I love you, Sam,” and takes her own life.
Her Ghost gets off the floor and runs to Sam. The Ghost of Rat Man gets off the bed and looks around confused. Suddenly all the shadows turn into animated boogie men who drag Rat Man kicking and screaming to Hell. Moe and Sam smile at the justice. Heaven opens up. “Time to go,” God says.
But as they head to the light, God puts the halt on them. “Only you, Sam. Not her. She took her own life.” As he says this, the horrible sound of the animated boogie men draw closer. They are coming back fo’ mo’.
She looks terrified, but Sam stands tall. “If she’s going to Hell, then I’m going to Hell with her!” God smiles and pats him on the back. “Very good, Sam. That was a trick question, too.”
“So we both get to go to Heaven?” Sam asks.
“Actually, Heaven is also kind of a trick question. It’s very very boring up here. Trust me, you’ll have a better time in Hell. It’s like California in the early 70’s except the 70’s never had Ben Franklin or Oscar Wilde!”
So they go to Hell together and, even though they’re dead, they have the time of their lives.
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