GGarza

Comic-Con 08: Sunday Smelly Sunday!

Comic-Con finally ended on Sunday and I can now get back to my boring, pathetic life.  Before I launch into another Comic-Con screed, I want to make it perfectly clear that I write this all out of affection.  I love the Comic-Con…but certain problems need to be addressed.  Like the smells.  I’ve talked about it before … Continue reading

Sick In The Head…And Body

TheraFlu.  NyQuil.  Airborne.  Ricola. Cold-Eeze. Herbal tea.  Monkey penis. Luden’s.  Robitussin and Tylenol PM.I’ve ingested all of these medicines, lozenges, drinks and voodoo cures all within the past week because I’ve been trudging along in a hallucinatory state on account of catching a severe cold.Have you seen those pump-gun tubes in the back of Taco Bell … Continue reading

You're Bumming Me Out, Dude!

Robin Williams played one.  As did Matt Dillon, Danny Glover, Joe Pesci, Nick Nolte and Samuel L. Jackson.  The same goes for Liam Neeson.  And Will Smith.  Even Alice Cooper.Yep.  They all played bums.When I was fifteen, I had a profound, life-altering experience.  I was strolling around downtown Vancouver, my stomach full of Canadian bacon (or as Canadian’s call it, … Continue reading

Coldplay Hurts My Ass Bone

Coldplay is a wildly popular band that composes bland, boring and ear-punishing music that makes me yearn for the nut-crushing sonic maelstrom of Hootie and the Blowfish and the dick-shredding death-punch of The Spin Doctors.Somehow, Coldplay has cultivated a large, rabid following, even though lead singer Chris Martin routinely acts like an insufferable jackass and has a propensity … Continue reading

Puppets Scare The Bejesus Outta Me!

Every now and again I’ll wake up sweating and screaming due to intense night terrors.  Usually, I end up inadvertently kicking the transvestite and/or my Mom out of the bed.  Like many people, I have several recurring nightmares that tear through my REM-infused sleep.Most of these nightmares revolve around dolls, puppets, dummies, marionettes and, on occasion, Rosie O’Donell’s … Continue reading

Crispin Glover…You So Crazy!

So, the other night I was watching David Lynch’s Wild At Heart and was sent into an intense state of inebriated giggles that nearly made me topple off the toilet seat.  The reason I was laughing was due to the batshit-insane cameo appearance by Crispin Glover.  Clad in a Santa Claus suit infested with insects … Continue reading

Yor The One That I Want

So, the other night I began digging around my closet for my Flowbie (a genius product that attaches to a vacuum cleaner and magically cuts your hair) and for some reason or another, couldn’t find the damn thing.  Anyway, what I did find was even more magical; a box of old videotapes.  I unearthed dubbed tapes filled with episodes … Continue reading