Coldplay is a wildly popular band that composes bland, boring and ear-punishing music that makes me yearn for the nut-crushing sonic maelstrom of Hootie and the Blowfish and the dick-shredding death-punch of The Spin Doctors.

Somehow, Coldplay has cultivated a large, rabid following, even though lead singer Chris Martin routinely acts like an insufferable jackass and has a propensity for dressing like a soldier (incidentally, I like to put on a li’l soldier outfit too.  I cavort around my apartment, ordering my Beanie Babies and Cabbage Patch dolls around, while hiding in forts I construct out of empty Hot Pocket boxes.  It’s fun for shits and giggles).

I remember hearing their song “Yellow” a few years back and thinking, “Man, that Dave Matthews is one prolific motherfucker,” then I learned it wasn’t Dave Matthews at all.  Recently, I heard Coldplay’s new song “Viva la Vida” and I thought, “Man, U2 are a bunch of prolific motherfuckers,” then I learned that it wasn’t U2 at all.

Fool me once Coldplay, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.

Trust me, I’m no music snob either.  I’ve been known to pop n’ lock to The Barenaked Ladies and I can’t even listen to The Counting Crowes without doing the robot.  Fuck, I’ve even dirty-danced to Toad the Wet Sprocket.

Also, my tolerance for generic wuss rock has expanded over the years.  Before, it took me about two seconds to punch in my radio whenever a Gin Blossoms song came on.  Now though, it takes me at least four seconds to punch in my radio whenever a Gin Blossoms song comes on.  That’s a two second difference!

Coldplay is a whole different beast though.  My coworker has commented on the amount of reverb on their songs and just how flat Chris Martin’s voice is (he cited an episode of Extras that Martin was on, where he sang at a piano, sans Pro Tools).  We both were wondering if we were missing something here.  I mean, I did suffer from “swimmer’s ear” when I was about ten, so maybe that forever fucked up my hearing.  Who the hell knows?

I’ve also seen Coldplay perform on television and have been severely underwhelmed.  Maybe it’s because Martin likes to do a bunch of kicks in the air and whatnot.  The last thing I want to do when hearing Coldplay music is a bunch of gymnastics.  Mainly, it makes me want to kick shins and punch balls.  Martin also enjoys scribbling weird shit on his hands with markers and pens.  I guess Office Depot had some sort of sale on supplies and Martin was itchin’ to blow cash.  Maybe I’m just disappointed that he doesn’t have the commitment to get tattoos.  If you’re going to put art on your body, you might as well go whole hog.

Anyway, Coldplay just released their new album and are embarking on a world tour in support of it.  I could suggest better ways to spend your time than listening to this dreck, like jerking off or taking a shit.

Viva La Garza!