So, the other night I began digging around my closet for my Flowbie (a genius product that attaches to a vacuum cleaner and magically cuts your hair) and for some reason or another, couldn’t find the damn thing.  Anyway, what I did find was even more magical; a box of old videotapes.  I unearthed dubbed tapes filled with episodes of Small Wonder and Mr. Belvedere and a bevy of questionable films that run the gamut from shitty to unbelievably shitty.

Radiating a phosphorescent glow was a video I haven’t seen in ages, a video that sent goosebumps up and down my taint.  That video was Yor, The Hunter From The Future.

For those unaware, Yor was a 1983 Italian production featuring the loincloth-clad titular hero and his adventures in a post-apocalyptic/prehistoric world.  This world was filled with all kinds of dangerous foes; like dirty cavemen, dinosaurs made out of cardboard and half-men/half-bat creatures that, when killed, make good hang gliders.  It also features the best performance of a blond wig that I’ve ever seen and mind-blowing special-effects that utilize plastic figurines.  I even learned that you can cut production costs tenfold by pasting a shoddy blonde wig onto a Ken doll and hurling it across the camera lens.

Yor also contains the most bitchin’ theme song ever composed.  Whenever Yor does something heroic, the theme music kicks in, signifying that, you know, Yor is doing something heroic.  This song kind of reminds me of the operatic Flash’s Theme by Queen, only without the musical sense and appearance of talent.

I won’t try explaining the intricacies of the plot, mainly because I don’t think it even has one.  With that said, Yor coasts on its ambition and charm and is crazier than a bag of hammers, which makes up for its lack of coherence.

Apparently, the film was originally conceived as a series of four hour-long episodes for Italian television.  Eventually, these episodes were whittled down to a lean 88 minute run time for American consumption.  Even though the film is a mess, I cannot imagine a four-hour long cut clearing up any loose threads or filling up any plot holes.  I’m pretty sure the longer version would just inspire viewers to inject PCP into their eyeballs and yet, this Holy Grail of crap intrigues me.  One of these days I’ll get my hands on this version and, God willing, sit through the entire thing.  I already have a bottle of whiskey and a loaded .45 for the occasion.

Yor is a painful viewing experience, but one that rewards you for your perseverance.  Yor yanks on your nutsack and right when your balls are all red and swollen and about to burst, Yor eases its grip and delicately plants kisses up and down your neck, leaving you conflicted and confused.

Sometimes one has to swish around an awful film in order to cleanse the palette and Yor, The Hunter From The Future, is just the right vintage.