A couple of nights ago I lay stranded on my couch, my innards aching and throbbing, as though my stomach had been pummeled by a sack full of Wintergreen Tic-Tacs. Eventually, I found myself in the throes of a blinding sugar rush, which left me dazed and immobile. While my guts churned and frothed, I found myself watching Daddy Day Care. Now, I’m a big Jeff Garlin fan (Curb Your Enthusiasm rules), but seeing him get hit in the nuts for an hour and a half is about as much fun as playing a game of Jenga with Muhammad Ali.
My problems stemmed from a mass consumption of Flamin’ Hot Cheeto’s and a Big Gulp filled with Slurpee syrup. And it didn’t take too much time for me to realize that I wasn’t able to conjure up enough gravitational momentum to roll towards the remote control. So, I conceded defeat and wallowed in my self-pity and my sweat pants. Soon, my mind drifted.
I started thinking about “disturbing” movies. I mean, movies that were intentionally made to disturb viewers.
Every now and again, I go through certain “phases,” where I get a wild hair up my ass about something and proceed to over-indulge in my newfound interest, until I eventually get so fucking bored of what I’m doing that I move onto something else. For example, right now I’m going through an “eating Flamin’ Hot Cheeto’s and drinking Slurpee’s ” phase.
Anyway, years and years ago I went sifting through my neighbor’s garbage and unearthed an interesting book. The book was filled with essays about horror films and horror literature. Later that night, while I pooped, I grunted through several chapters and landed on one devoted to “The Most Disturbing Films Of All Time!”
Quickly, I could feel that wild hair creeping up my crack.
So, I decided to embark on a mission. A mission to track down every film on this list, in hopes of determining just how “disturbing” these horrific slices of video and celluloid claimed to be. Thus, my “Gabriel watches every disturbing film” phase was born.
And this mission required lots of time, lots of money and an Ebay account.
Well, since reading this book, the internet has caught on and produced similar lists, with many of these films appearing again and again (in fact, some of these films have been written about on this website…in greater detail and clarity than I’m about to impart. So what makes my observations different? That’s easy. Dick jokes! Lots and lots of dick jokes!). With that in mind, it’s time for me to go mano y mano with “The Most Disturbing Films Of All Time!” Also, beware of spoilers…but honestly, you probably don’t want to watch most of this crap anyway.
Cannibal Holocaust is a heartwarming film about a group of annoying morons who document their travels through the jungles of South America (this film predates another similar-themed movie, The Blair Witch Project, which also employs the “found footage” conceit and also features a group of annoying morons). Most of the ire stems from the graphic slaughter of a poor sea turtle; a scene that seems to go on for a fucking eon. It also doesn’t help that there are scenes of rape, vaginal impalement, castration and, on occasion, bad dubbing. I found the most disturbing thing about this movie was the weird, disco-like, seventies-porn-style theme music. Disturbingly catchy that is!
Nekromantik 1 & 2: These are two charming films made by a German guy, but neither one features knockwurst or bratwurst in the narrative. What they do feature are sex scenes with dead people…and subtitles! Apparently, the necrophilia-obsessed masses didn’t get enough of a fix, so director Jorg Buttgereit (who also made the equally German films, “The Death King” and “Schramm”), satiated their corpse-lovin’ thirst with a sequel. The first Nekromantik is shot like a bad student film. It’s all grainy, with awkward shot compositions and scenes that meander (like when a dude pisses at a urinal forever). In between scenes depicting the killing and skinning of a rabbit, we get to witness a menage a trois with a corpse, a bath-tub scene involving cat entrails and the denouement where our hero stabs himself in the stomach while ejaculating blood. The sequel is just as yawn-inducing, although the main character has sex with a guy and then kills him, which is different than just fucking a dead guy, so obviously the director is expanding his artistic horizons. It’s also the only sequel I can think of that co-stars the rotting corpse of the main character from the previous film (excluding Weekend At Bernies 2 and Grumpier Old Men, of course). Disturbing? Nein!
Aftermath is a lovely date movie by writer/director Nacho Cerda. This short film is about a horny coroner with spooky eyes. And after we’re privy to his cold and clinical detachment concerning a graphic autopsy, the horny coroner decides to “get it on” with a female corpse. That’s right, another necrophilia movie! I’m sure this well-made film is making some kind of philosophical statement, but who knows? What I do know is that I found this film disturbing, mainly because the director is named after a tasty mexican dish. While I was watching the spooky coroner mount his “love interest,” all I could think about was getting in my car and driving to Taco Bell. Damn you Nacho! Damn you for having such a delicious name!
Anything with Whoopi Goldberg in it.
Ilsa: She Wolf Of The SS is a thoughtful little film that answers the question “What was missing from Schindler’s List?” That’s right…nude Nazi’s! Dyann Thorne co-stars in this movie with her enormous boobs, which the camera likes to linger on while Thorne (who portrays a Nazi officer) tortures numerous nubile, naked and young women. Like many exploitation shockers, Ilsa goes to great lengths in depicting the debasement and humiliation of women. Interestingly, the film claims to be based on historical fact, but I’m pretty sure that sweaty topless women weren’t a part of Hitler’s Third Reich. Another interesting detail (amidst the castration scenes, the rape scenes, the flogging scenes and the boiling women alive scenes) is that a major plot point revolves around the fact that the main male character is able to stifle oncoming orgasms. I guess Ilsa teaches us that Nazi’s can easily be defeated…as long as you don’t ejaculate in one of them. I found this film profoundly disturbing, mainly due to the excrutiatingly bad German accents. Heil crap!
So, that’s about enough for now. It looks like I spent too much time talking about Flamin’ Hot Cheeto’s and Slurpee’s. Anyway, tune in again for Part 2 where I continue to talk about crappy films that nobody gives a rat’s ass about.