Brian Thompson

Apple iPad Liveblog Transcript

Earlier today, I attended Apple’s unveiling of their new iPad tablet computer.  Here is the transcript of my liveblog from the event. 8:00am – iTablet will use LCARS menu system. Wesley Crusher won’t give you a turn. I am a virgin. 8:15am – Worried about smudging your iTablet with greasy fried chicken fingers? Don’t be! … Continue reading

Gwyneth Paltrow's Poops

Lately I’ve been fantasizing about Gwyneth Paltrow’s poops.  It’s not that I want to lie under a glass coffee table and have her squirt out a log from above.  No, this fantasy is abnormal.  Maybe “fantasy” isn’t the right word.  This is more of a movie that keeps playing in my head.  Gwyneth just sitting … Continue reading

My New Pants: A Review

The button fly on these new pants reminds me of Keira Knightley’s underbite. Let me back up. The recession.  HEARD OF IT??  Sorry.  Actually, let’s get rid of that phrase in 2010 and beyond.  “[something very well-known].  HEARD OF IT??”  It was last decade’s “[untrue thing stated as fact].  NOT!!” While we’re cleaning house, let’s … Continue reading

In Atlanta for Labor Day? You Should Be

Patrick Stewart and Kate Mulgrew will be on a panel together at this year’s Dragon*Con in Atlanta, Georgia the first weekend of September.  Will they argue over who was the most boring starship captain?  I don’t know.  Will we finally learn who looks better in Starfleet regulation nightwear?  Of course not.  We already know it’s … Continue reading

In Defense of Teen Wolf

I’m not one to complain too much about hipsters.  Sure, the guy at the bar this weekend in the skinny jeans and porkpie hat sort of annoyed me when he rolled up on his single gear bicycle and started smoking a pipe, but I have a subscription to McSweeney’s.  I know when my houses are … Continue reading


Sen. Sam Brownback of Kansas and Sen. Mary Landrieu of my home state, Louisiana, have teamed up to introduce a bill that would ban the creation of human/animal hybrids at the federal level.  It might seem like a strange way to spend time and resources, especially considering the dollar’s value is sinking faster than a … Continue reading

Abstinence App

At this point, there’s an iPhone app for just about anything you want to do.  But what makes the new purity ring app unique is its ability to help you not do something.  Fuck people, that is. Of course, it’s arguable whether it even does that.  For just short of a buck, you can download … Continue reading

Penitents Compete

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from BBC America, it’s that British reality shows are just as stupid as ours.  And if there are two things I’ve learned from BBCA, the other one has to do with the stunning amount of cash all Brits keep in their attics.  But back to the reality shows, their … Continue reading

Ask a Sorcerer

I’m no expert on Italian people or their culture. I understand that they enjoy neverending salad bowls and detest Koopa Troopas, but that’s about it. On a trip to Rome, I thought about exploring the ruins–touching history, immersing myself in the world. But the big-ass Coca-Cola I’d purchased on the train was stolen from my … Continue reading

A Human Masterpiece: In Defense of Battlestar Galactica's Ending

There seems to be a pretty violent backlash against Battlestar Galactica’s series finale, so here’s another essay of support.  It’s cross-posted at the excellent geektainment website Pink Raygun, so you’ll have to click over there to read the second half.When all the guns stopped blazing and the nukes started flying, Battlestar Galactica’s final episode lost … Continue reading