I learned a lot from Wall-E this weekend. For one, there’s no reason to ever pay for snacks at a movie theater when the Wal-Mart down the street has a seven-foot-tall steel cage full of eighty-eight cent movie candy. I loaded up on Cookie Dough Bites, Nerds, and off-brand Goobers, then bought a cooler on … Continue reading
With James McAvoy currently bending bullets around the brains of America’s moviegoers, I thought it might be appropriate to revisit one of his breakout performances. No, I’m not talking about the pedo-erotic majesty of his Leto II in Children of Dune. I’m talking about his epic tour de force as the magic white guy in … Continue reading
Last autumn, I visited the set of J.J. Abrams’ new Star Trek film. Well, “visited” may not be the right word. I hid behind a crate of hamdingers until I could sucker punch an extra and steal his clothes. The trousers fit perfectly, though the spy-proof white robe squeezed around the chest. In a move … Continue reading
This doesn’t come from a reliable source, but it’s just too awesome not to pass along. I’ve been getting word now for weeks that Nabisco is testing the hell out of the new Oreo Double Stuff Cakesters. Sure, the original cakesters had something for everyone. Do you like Oreos? Alright, now tell me this: Do … Continue reading
If I see another adult reading part thirty-whatever in an epic series of kid lit fantasy novels, I’m calling Dateline. I understand that all the post-pubescents trolling through the children’s sections of Barnes & Nobles aren’t necessarily pedophiles. The best way to lure children into your loins isn’t with literature, but with the promise of … Continue reading
There was something about her water balloon breasts straining at the oft-washed white cotton of her three-sizes-too-small halter top that sent my bodily beverages bubbling. I often experience such cognitive dissonance when walking through my Wal-Mart Supercenter. To my left, I want that Pentecostal girl to do something about those split ends, burn the denim … Continue reading
I’m sure by now most of you have read Devin’s article about the fallacies of religious belief. If you haven’t, why haven’t you? It’s right here. Just click it. You know you want to click it. It’s so easy. Maybe his reasoning makes sense to you, or maybe you’re simply a member of the Just … Continue reading
Do you remember the glory days of web-based movie news? The thrilling tales of adventure as unemployed Australian twenty-year-olds snuck onto the blue screen sets of the new Star Wars film. The glorious rumors about Evil Dead 4’s imminent lensing, Sean Penn’s negotiations to star in The Matrix, and Natalie Portman’s signing to the first … Continue reading
I remember when I saw my first sandworm. It’s vagina dentate maw seduced me from the cover of The Dune Encyclopedia at the public library. I was hiding from a homeless gentleman who wanted to “choose my own adventure” while my mother worked on her dissertation, and the hefty volume fell from the top shelf, … Continue reading
I’m struggling to write this now, as I’ve just lost a dear friend. To protect his family’s privacy, I’ll call him Steve Applewhite. Steve was a video game designer by trade, though his interests were broad. You were just as likely to find him digging up rare dinosaur fossils in the New Mexico desert as … Continue reading