At this point, there’s an iPhone app for just about anything you want to do. But what makes the new purity ring app unique is its ability to help you not do something. Fuck people, that is.
Of course, it’s arguable whether it even does that. For just short of a buck, you can download the app, which lets you promise never to stick your dick in things or allow dicks into your thing until you’ve signed a legal contract with another person. If you’re ever feeling pre-maritally horny, you can turn the app on and watch a ring spin around. That ring represents your purity. And by “purity”, the makers of this app mean “non-exposure to cum”.
Weirdly, the app was created by Wall Entertainment without the support of the official purity ring pushers at the Silver Ring Thing, a group started in 1996 by people who’ve never had an orgasm and would prefer you shared in their misery. Sure, the Jonas Brothers may be sporting purity rings on the public stage while they gyrate their cocks in your daughters’ faces, but SRT are the brains behind the operation. Wall Entertainment is seeking their endorsement, but this is probably just to leech a few advertising dollars. The purity ring app is a strictly for-profit enterprise. Which is sort of genius, since one of the best ways to blow off sexual tension (other than getting down on your knees and burying your tongue in your partner’s asshole) is getting rid of disposable income.
Critics might say that abstinence pledges and purity rings don’t work. Even after the government spent millions pushing the stuff, kids are still fingering one another and ski poling at Bat Mitvahs. But the real problem here isn’t that this stuff doesn’t work. It’s that it shouldn’t work.
I was a lonely preteen, and I have the Magic cards to prove it. Or rather, I had the magic cards before I decided to throw them out and replace them with a stack of Trojan ENZ. I’m not one to poo-poo geekdom in favor of fucking as many skanks as I can find. But I’m glad I was eventually able to 69 with my latchkey girlfriend before settling in for a night playing Final Fantasy III. It did wonders for my self esteem. Before I convinced another person to swallow my ejaculate, I’m not even sure I had self esteem.
We shouldn’t be encouraging kids not to have sex. Quite the opposite. If more teenagers were fucking, fewer of them would have the time to mess up my lawn. And nothing can get you through weeks, months, and years of mind-crunching high school agony like the promise of an occasional cunnilingus session. Woe unto those teenage boys whose fingers don’t stink of pussy, for they are the douchy ones. Douches can get laid, too, obviously, but why should they have a monopoly on happiness?
Worst of all, these people who want to rope off our children’s genitals are almost always acting on their twisted religion. They honestly believe an invisible man in the sky wastes time being irritated that Sally Crestmore is double-stuffing herself with dick and vibrator instead of studying for her geometry test. But why would God care? For one thing, there’s no reason to believe He exists. And even if He does, Sally’s probably calling out His name. If the other guy’s getting the job done, that is.
These people have the right idea. An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away. And if you eat the cucumber with which you’ve been reaming your ass, that’s a double health bonus. If only there were an app for that.
(Thanks to Holly for the original link.)
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