Earlier today, I attended Apple’s unveiling of their new iPad tablet computer. Here is the transcript of my liveblog from the event.
8:00am – iTablet will use LCARS menu system. Wesley Crusher won’t give you a turn. I am a virgin.
8:15am – Worried about smudging your iTablet with greasy fried chicken fingers? Don’t be! The iDrip accessory collects fatty runoff.
8:30am – Bad news, Birthers! Obama’s birth certificate will be available in FULL COLOR in the new iTunes bookstore. $1.99.
9:00am – At 1pm EST, Apple will harness the world’s orgasmic energy to power all iTablets until the year 2027. Talk about battery life!
9:15am – Steve Jobs: “You think you’ve played Tetris, but you have not. played. Tetris.” (applause)
9:30am – Ridley Scott-directed iTablet commercial will feature Russell Crow flinging an iTablet at a hotel desk clerk. Unbreakable!
9:45am – High-end iTablet comes with built-in retro chic 28.8kbps modem, 2x CD-ROM drive, Mechwarrior 2. $5,999.
9:50am – 3rd generation iTablet already available in Singapore’s finest street markets. Still no cut and paste.
9:52am – Steve Jobs holds up circa 1999 tablet PC, makes jerkoff motion, smashes it over one knee. Cancer’s not keeping him down!
9:54am – INTO THE WILD was actually about the first person to camp out for an iTablet.
10:00am – To facilitate the inevitable, all Apple stores will have an H&R Block booth starting tomorrow.
10:10am – Press at iTablet event turning on guy we’re all pretty sure just farted.
10:20am – Leno’s iTablet jokes to reach new heights of obviousness.
10:30am – fapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfap
11:00am – Steve Jobs: “iPad less immoral than iTampon.” (ululation)
11:05am – First Apple stumble of the day: Press croissant table only has iCantBelieveItsNotButter. Yes, iCan.
11:10am – Steve Jobs: “Now,
you’re probably wondering why I’m not wearing a belt with these jeans.
Introducing the iBelt Suite.” (applause)
11:15am – Press: “So, you can buy a netbook AND a Kindle for less than an iPad?” (gunshot) (applause)
11:20am – Ramp to hands-on area is just a mountain of trampled bodies. What have we become?
11:25am – Apple rep says iPad touch screen will NOT work with tip of my penis. Trying it anyway.
11:30am – Used iPad to email myself a link to a YouTube video. Watched it on my netbook. Works perfectly. Bravo, Apple!
11:35am – Why no multitasking? Apple rep: “Let me see your press pass, please.” Not an answer, Apple!
11:40am – Made it out of Apple event with an iPad tucked in my waistband. Zipper scratched the damn screen. iSad.
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