Recently my friend Diablo Cody wrote a movie called Juno, which is a polite way of saying: recently I wrote a movie called Juno. What happened was, I owned a stripper place and got one of my strippers baby-riffic and she went for the big bortion and I had to pay for the whole goddamn thing and as I handed over wads of cash I thought, “Boy! It’d be a lot better if I didn’t have to pay for this.” So I wrote a movie where it didn’t happen. It was called Juno and it was extremely successful with forty-year old thirteen year olds. And vice-versa.

So this eleven year old girl named Juno, who’s somewhat like a dominant-gene version of Rosanne Barr, buys one of those itchy old chairs from a garage sale and sits on it naked without checking it first for extremely still perverts. Hey, she’s young! Who checks chairs at that age? I’ll tell you who: people who love God. Juno does not love God. She loves Blog. And Sunny Delight. And that chair.

The chair gets her baby-licious, so she calls her friend who should have been played by the girl who played Six from Blossom but Six is now thirty-eight and can only play twenty-five year olds. Juno calls her on the hamburger phone and says, “Preggers.” Six goes, “Preggers?” To which, Juno responds, “Preggers Fo’ Jegger. And by the way, I’d just like to tell you again that my phone is shaped like a hamburger. But I don’t care, though. It’s kind of cool, but I don’t care.”

So she takes her twenty pounds of wit to the bortion clinic, where an obvious virgin tells her that borted babies have fingernails. Since Six never told her about that part of the deal, she does a “bortion-bolt”, and instead comes up with a plan that’s probably going to work because this movie doesn’t take place in the same world as food stamps. “I’ll have the fucker, then give it away to some other fuckers.” To this her parents say, “Not bad Juno. We’re so proud of how smart you are. Seriously, you are the smartest, most mature kid we’ve ever met. Everything you say is hilarious. Every decision you make is brilliant. You know, sometimes it feels like we’re the kids and you’re the adult!”

So that’s that! We’re only twenty minutes into the film and there’s only one tiny bit of conflict to go. I like my flicks to be easy on the everything!

Juno and Six find a yuppie couple who is 50% sure they want a kid. Electra Bluth is, like, so excited to be a mom that you cringe and wonder if maybe God didn’t make her sterile for a reason. Micheal Bluth just wants to make Electra Bluth happy because otherwise she’ll tent the back of his shirt out with one of her sexy sai. If that means having a kid, he’ll do it because handing over your life metaphorically is a lot better than handing it over for real.

Both Juno and Micheal Bluth mistakingly think it’s awesome that he’s got myspace and facebook profiles. Pretty soon, they’re going at it like Judy Garland and Milton Berle. Juno’s step-mom is like, “Juno, you shouldn’t be having sex with that guy. He’s married. You’re too young to understand the dynamics of a marriage.” Juno throws a blueberry/redbull slushie at her and says, “There is nothing I don’t know everything about! You got it?” Her mom looks at the floor and says, “Yes, ma’am.” While this is going on, Micheal Bluth is at home changing his myspace profile from “Married” to “Happy”.

Juno kicks her mom and dad out of the house so Micheal Bluth can move in. She changes her name to Kimya Dawson and starts playing folk shows in basements across the state, while he stays at home and debates whether or not buying a bunch of Shaw Bros. movies would make him any cooler. Answer? Yes. He goes to and puts it all on a card. He’s going to be the greatest substitute teacher those kids have ever seen!

Do they end up happily ever after? Yes. Yes they do. Micheal never has to be uncool ever again, and Juno is pregnant for the rest of her life. The end. It’s like a money printing machine sometimes.

(three stars)