Well, we’ve finally started filming Transformers 2, and compared to last time, I’ve really outdone myself as far as bullshit problems go. I’m telling you, this set is a madhouse. And not in that good way we all enjoyed in the 80’s when we were kids and didn’t know better. Ah, the 80’s. Back then, you could always count on at least one strip club location no matter what movie you were making. It just didn’t matter. If two characters were going to talk? Strip club. Fight? Strip club. Reunite? Strip club. Watch strippers? Strip club. Well those days are gone and my innocence with them.

One big problem is this LaBeouf kid. When we first had him he was already pretty damn good. But now he’s done Indy 4 and hung out with those jokers at SNL, and it’s only made him better. These days he’s sharp as a six-foot thumb tac and charming as a Pokemon-themed AK-47. That may sound great to you, but that’s why you’re not a filmmaker. On our first day of shooting, someone in the crew asked LaBeouf what he wanted for breakfast and we ended up losing FOUR HOURS just listening to him talk. No matter how much money was swirling down the drain, none of us could rip ourselves away from his slacker magnetism. Whatever it is that makes a star a STAR, he’s got it. He’s got it in spades. He’s got it more than anyone else has ever had it. We’re gonna have to let him go.

And then there’s these freaking robots. Some of them are fine, but success has really ruined the others, particularly Starscream. That fucking asshole won’t leave his warehouse for anything. “Just CG me!” he says. “I’m playing Playstation in here. Use CG!” What a lazy prick. Now other robots are saying it too. I only hired these jerks so I wouldn’t have to use CG! Thanks to this prima donna bullshit, half my action scenes are gonna look like a goddamn video game!

On top of that we’ve got Optimus Prime, who insists on wearing clothes in all his scenes. He says it’s because he’s gained a little weight, but we all know the real reason: he’s trying to hide the fact that he’s pregnant. This is a three-month shoot, so you can see how his “little problem” has become my gigantic fucking nightmare. Don’t get me wrong–I love Optimus. He’s sweet, and he shows up on time. But he read his contract just like everyone else, and he should know better.

The only robot who actually feels lucky to be here is Jazz. And that’s because he IS lucky to be here. His character died in the first picture, but we brought him back because, well, I have to kill somebody. Jazz isn’t the best performer, but at least I know he’d cry a little if I replaced him with CG. His desperate neediness and constant sucking-up does get annoying though.

I might as well tell you about the plot. What happens is, that big Energon Cube or whatever it was from the first picture comes to life and becomes the greatest Transformer of them all: Energtron! We gave him the difficult name because a character this complicated shouldn’t even be easy to talk about. While all the other Transformers are destroying cities as usual, Energtron emerges with plans to destroy the entire planet. The Autobots and Decepticons decide that’s not his job, so they team up to kill him.

While this is happening, LaBeouf (actually, by the time this comes out, Ben Barnes) is trying to get through college and propose to his sweetheart, a human sexuality professor played, hopefully, by Liv Tyler or Drew Barrymore. His best bud, Bumblebee, does all his homework and gets barfed on while driving LaBeouf and his drunk college friends around town. Eventually he says, “Fuck this!” and goes off to help his fellow robots fight Energtron.

Suddenly abandoned by his only true friend, Barnes/LaBeouf learns a harsh lesson about other people’s feelings and what happens when you trample all over them. Since he has no car, he asks his hot professor to drive him to the battlefield. They arrive only to see Bumblebee take a fatal blow to his neck connectors, causing Bumblebee’s head to fly through Tyler/Barrymore’s windshield. Crying, Barnes/LaBeouf clutches the head in his lap and repeatedly wails, “I’m sorry I treated you like a douchebag!” and “I love you Bumblebee!” Well, one of his tears falls into Bumblebee’s eye-socket and the true sadness and regret held within the tear brings him back to life. His head flies out of the car and back onto his body. He turns his fixed head to Barnes/LaBeouf and says “Thank you” before flying into Energtron and killing him once and for all with a self-destruct mechanism. As Barnes/Labeouf bows his head in sadness, Optimus Prime pats him on the back and says “We lost a great comrade. But gained new ones.” The Tyler/Barrymore character says “You’re so brave” and while they make out, Optimus transforms into a truck so they can have sex in privacy.

(probably three stars)