It seems a few folks enjoyed the last entry of “Tarantino-ing,” so I suppose I’ll indulge you in another fantasy rebirth of a dying celebrity career. Today’s chosen one:

Ethan Embry.

Throw those tomatoes all you want, bitches, but you know it’s true!

While I can’t say definitively that the guy has done a whole lot of work that I’d be proud to recommend for the Netflix queue, there’s just something about him, a vulnerability perhaps, that draws me into his work and, more importantly, makes me want to hang out with him. He seems like a genuinely nice guy, even when he’s in such mindless dreck as Sweet Home Alabama.

The smirking lad’s better work includes such minor successes as Can’t Hardly Wait, Dutch, Empire Records and yes, even that Chevy Chase mecca of mine, Vegas Vacation. While not as perfect for the role as my new buddy Anthony Michael Hall, he played Rusty with a dumb ease that makes me weep with joy. His criminally underseen turn as Squirrel in Dancer, Texas Pop. 81 was also a nice turn for the fledgling actor, but he never quite made it to the levels I had planned for the gent. There are two possible reasons for this.

First, he’s an asshole. It seems that he’s currently settling a lawsuit over his abandoning a model on the side of the road after injuring her in a motorcycle accident. Apparently, rather than call the cops for assistance, he offered to treat her in his bathtub with bandages and alcohol. So, you know, there’s that.

The second reason would be… he’s an asshole! Fuck, did you read that last paragraph? Good lord, what a cum-dumpster!

Okay, so maybe he’s a devil spawn that injures women and shits on their souls, but someone, hear my plea! Put him in something again. Please?

Before you panic and join me in this burning desire for more Embry-occupied celluloid, it seems DJ Caruso listened to my internal yearnings and cast the fucker in Eagle Eye, a film that I’m oddly attracted to, despite The Beef’s presence. And now, thanks to Embry, I’m probably finding my ass in a seat opening weekend. Even if it’s just another Hitchcock ripoff. I’m looking at you, Disturbia!

So then, in closing, let me just say that here’s to hoping the guy will get some more chances. Even if, like my first choice, the ole’ Chaser, he’s an intolerable cunt. And even if he does abandon mortally wounded women on the roadside. At least he can pretend he doesn’t in his roles. Now that’s talent.