The Loom of Fate wants to know, “What the fuck have you done lately?”

In which my response is, “When did Morgan Freeman become Samuel L. Jackson? And why are you insulting me?”

So I saw Wanted. And not only does James McAvoy insult the audience by dumping a pointless voice-over on us throughout the film, breaking every rule learned in drama school by telling and not showing, but he then directly insults us by calling us meaningless drones. I can recall a time when I would have watched a film like this, being about 14 or so, and then have driven home feeling like a badass, thinking to myself, “Fuck you mom! Fuck you dad! I’m fucking 14 and I love video games and rock music, you fucking drones!”

Given that I’ve mellowed with age, this was not my immediate reaction. Most of that was devoted to the insults.

When did filmmakers stop assuming the audience could understand subtext? A voice-over the likes of which we’re pissed over the head with is insult enough. I had already felt slapped in the face with the director’s dick. And then the end comes, when he breaks the fourth wall, dropping trou and unloading a lifetime of dumpage on my lap. The stink has yet to wear off.

I went along for the ride. I tried. Sincerely. Even with the Loom of Fate. Seriously, the Loom of Fucking Fate. Really?

And the twists. And the voice-over. And Morgan Freeman asking the assassins to “shoot this motherfucker.” Admittedly a bit awesome, but still. Like my girlfriend said, get Delroy Lindo, for fuck sake. Morgan does not do this shit. And does James McAvoy want to be a movie star this badly? I had hope for the boy. But then again, even Matt Damon did Stuck On You.

Also, apologies for missing out on the past however long. It won’t happen again. Unless the internet once again isn’t available within an hour of my house. Ah, life on the Cape. I’m back, see you soon with a more cohesive, perhaps less angered entry. Until then, don’t see Wanted, unless you already have. Which is more likely, cause it’s been out for fucking weeks. Catch up time for this one.