Is it so hard to ask for people to abide by a simple set of rules when
setting foot in a movie theater. I just don’t understand, you go to the
movies to see a film, right? Not to talk on your cell phones and text
people and whatnot.

I’ll give you a little list of things to not do while in a movie theater.

No cell phones. Fine, before the movie starts and before the trailers
(I’m a big fan of trailers) you can speak all you want. But once the
lights dim and something is on the screen, I think Lenny on the other
end will understand not speaking to you for 2 hours. If not, then go
hang out with him instead.

2. No babies in films that don’t
allow babies in the first place. Or talkative kids. If I go see Knocked
in theaters and there’s a kid by the age of 5 asking what a vagina
is, maybe he/she should be home, watching Caillou and sitting on their
hands. Fine, I understand it’s hard to get a babysitter… then don’t
have kids or better yet, spend time with them watching a great film for
both, like Ratatouille or Wall-E. Hell, anything Pixar usually is a thumbs up.

3. If you’re tired, then don’t go to the
movies. I don’t think I’ve ever truly fallen asleep during a movie. But
today, during my watching of Transformers (I was a few months behind every nerd out there), I was
getting all into it when this guy behind me started snoring. Snoring
away like he was sawing Paul Bunyon sized logs. I ask him politely to
shush up and to wake up. He mutters something. Starts to snore louder
and hits into my seat. I get up and tell him to shut the fuck up,
because it’s been years of this idiocy that just irks me to no end.
Long story short. I got him to leave, but at a price. I missed about 5
minutes of the movie I spent 11 bucks on. So if you want to be Rip Van
Winkle, do it in your own bed.

4. Bums. I don’t mind them. But
I’ve noticed more and more are staying in movie theatres, like the old
days of the 70’s and 80’s on 42nd street. Hell, I don’t mind them as
long as they don’t ask me for money while I’m watching a film. What the
hell? I go to a movie to escape reality, not to smell it all around me
and dodging the begging as I try to relax. I know I’m not offending any
bums, because if they were reading myspace right now, then they truly
aren’t a bum. Maybe a hobo.

5. When did theaters become a ghetto
paradise? I’m not speaking about race or creed, but people of all races
and all creeds acting like cro magnon man and whooping it up like they
were on an episode of Arsenio Hall. Or just speaking out loud and
speaking about the movie. “Did you see that?” “See what?” SHUT THE FUCK
UP!!!! Speak after the movie. If you missed something, sorry, wipe the
drool from your face and sip on your soda and try to catch up like the
big boys and girls actually trying to enjoy the film.

I hate
everybody, really. I’m a very gentle soul but because of these idiots
polluting the theaters today, I’m more inclined to wait for the films
to come out on DVD and just watch them then. That’s why ticket sales
have gone down drastically. It’s not because of prices (even though
it’s expensive as all hell) but because of our common man. And woman.
And child. And bum. And everyone in between. Just learn some manners
people or I’m going to just make my own theater chain one day and not
allow any of you fuckers in.

I long for the days that you see on old newsreels where people used to get dressed up to see a film, no matter what it was. It was just a whole different era and respect. Not saying a ton of people are fighting out there to keep theaters legitimate. I go to as many of the theaters here in NYC that still show old films and you tend to get a better crowd of people within those walls.

So everyone, let’s get the masses to stop speaking, acting like degenerates and wanting to fight if you tell them to please be quiet during a crucial scene. Any scene, it shouldn’t matter. Let’s just see films, movies, whatever it is and be quiet. All the talking about how much the movie sucked or was absolutely amazing can wait until the credits roll.