I would like to take a moment to talk about a serious issue that is very near and dear to my heart.  It’s a topic that has been debated by the masses for years. Scholars have discussed both sides of the issue in more detail than I could ever fathom, yet their still is no right or wrong answer. Friendships have ended, marriages strained, murders have been committed, and children in Africa continue to starve (as usual) in its wake. It’s something that people will no doubt continue to talk about until the end of time. I can only scrape the surface of this hot button issue in my short post, but I will do so out of love and respect for the subject at hand. So, let me jump right in and ask you…

Are zombies capable of running?

Just to clear things up for those of you who are sticklers for detail, I’m using zombie as a blanket term for the living dead. It doesn’t matter if they were brought to life by a voodoo spell, book of the dead, radiation, Trioxin, Sumatran rat-monkey bite, Rage virus, etc. I’m treating the living dead like the word ‘Hispanic’ on a loan application and classifying all of them into a generalized category. After all, we live in America right? Let’s keep blending that melting pot!

My theory on zombies breaks down this simple *two step rule:

1)      If you rise from your grave or been dead for a long time, you should shamble like a senior citizen.

2)      If you have been infected (via bite, toxin, gas, radiation, etc) while alive, your allowed to run your a$$ off.

This in turn places them in two categories: The Shambler & Sprinter.

Shambling zombies prefer to chase people at their own glacial pace. They are great for attacking in large numbers, or invading small isolated houses. They’ve been around a long time, so the rigor mortis has set in and locked their joints up. They stumble around all day looking for a dumb teenager, sick children, the elderly, people who prefer to scream rather than run, “more…cops”, or someone who has never seen a zombie movie and is dumb enough to not shoot them in the head.  They’re actually very limited in obtaining their meal selection, so we should all have pity for the Shambling zombie. While beloved by most people as the Classic zombie, they’re equivalent to the handicap in their world (minus their own parking/bathroom stall).

Sprinting zombies can run forever and seemingly never become tired. They are great for attacking anything and everything, and can usually scare the living hell out of you in the process. These zombies retained their speed and agility due to being alive when infected, but seem to gain an increase in stamina and strength in the process. Barry Bonds would be proud. They can claim just about any victim stupid enough to wander in their general direction, and you’d better pray you made friends with a treadmill during your life if you encounter one. While considered the black sheep zombie due to constant complaints of “zombies can’t run”, the sprinting zombie has learned to deal with this prejudice by happily eating their detractor’s whole. Sprinting zombies could be considered the alpha zombie of their world.

It’s really that simple for me. I think both types have their own place, so why can’t they both exist?  Can’t we at least agree to disagree on this one? Shouldn’t we actually just move the conversation to something more productive and positive for our society as a whole? Just think of what we could accomplish if we just let both types exist in peace and harmony!

We could have them eat the homeless! Just imagine never having to feel
self-conscious about not giving up loose change in front of the grocery store again. A person can dream right?