Jessica Alba and her boyfriend, Cash Warren, welcomed their first baby girl this morning. They bestowed the name Honor upon the child. It’s a bit surprising since I didn’t know Alba was Klingon. Either way, I congratulate the the couple: Alba for being pregnant and Warren for, well…getting Jessica Alba pregnant.
But their unusual name choice made me think. I’ve always liked choosing baby names, it’s something of an expertise of mine. In fact, my girlfriend and I list baby names for fun and we always come up with great ones. But my names are plain: Henry, Jack, Morgan. I need to expand my horizons. I need celebrity names.
So I’ve come up with a good one: Epic. That’s right, my child’s name, whether it be a boy or a girl, will be Epic. It’s almost poetic in its simplicity. And it establishes the child for great things: Epic Marcus won’t be a janitor, he’ll be an astronaut or maybe Viking warlord.
As well, this whole fiasco has started (yet another) conversation about celebrity baby names. This is something I could care less about. Who the hell cares what a movie star names his or her kid? People were up in arms when Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin named their daughter Apple. I was neither here nor there about it. Apple is a pretty name. They also named their son Moses, which sets impossibly high standards for him. I’m sure he’s been practicing wave-parting in the bathtub.
The most common response I hear about this business is: “Why do they give their kids such odd names? Why do they think they’re so important and holy?” Well, because we tell them they are. For months now countless tabloids have been reporting about Alba’s pregnancy. You can’t walk down a magazine aisle without seeing Jamie Lynn Spear’s plump belly. And these rags sell like hotcakes. So we’re affirming that we all care — a lot. I say let them name their babies Kal-El or Pilot Inspektor or stop buying the magazines.
But that’ll never happen. America loves its celebrity gossip and, in turn, its crazy baby names. So congrats to the happy couple. I hope Ashlee delivers a beautiful, beaming Sandstone Simpson in a few months. Or maybe Sequoia Leaf Simpson. It doesn’t matter. Once Epic Marcus comes on the scene, he will slay everyone.
Literally. He will probably be a mass murderer.
The Matrix is a cultural milestone still talked about to this day but, it’s creators, the Wachowskis’ later work Jupiter Ascending is often overlooked. Spinning separate folklore into into a sci fi fantasy yarn that dares to ask you to view the world in a different way. Like Nicolas Cage’s National Treasure this film takes … Continue reading — By Sushi-X