STUDIO: Disney
MSRP: $19.97
RUNNING TIME: 100 Minutes
• Trailers
• Commentary
• Featurette

The Pitch

“Slightly more enjoyable than self-circumcision”

The Humans

Hillary Duff (Lizzie McGuire & countless other Disney DTV tripe…), Christy Carlson Romano (Kim Possible, FHM spread [2009 optimistically]), Gary Cole (Office Space, One Hour Photo & American Gothic), Shawn Ashmore (X-Men, X2 & hopefully X3).

Expect a "One Night In Hillary" DVD review, soon!

The Nutshell

Kelly Collins (Duff) is an outrageously dippy girl stereotype from the big city who is forced to join a military school run by her stepfather (Cole), after her parents move. Her rape bait cuteness and mildly retarded dull wittedness cause her to feel outcast in the new school as she is forced into routine and pitted against arch nemesis Cadet Capt. Stone (Romano). Throughout her ordeals she keeps her plastic smile and endures whatever Stone throws at her until they are required to join forces to win a school marching tournament. After the unlikely duo decides to put aside their differences, the two eventually find that each has something unique to bring to the academy.

"It’s a good thing I look good on camera, because in real life I smell like shit."

The Package

Basically, this is you typical DTV original television movie set. You get trailers, commentary and a gut-punching featurette. The trailers are your general plea by Disney to kids, begging their parents to invest copious amounts of hard earned scratch on garbage that may or may not be more pleasurable than the garbage found between my gouch.

The commentary features Ramano and other actress, Aimee Garcia. But wait, no sign of Hillary!? Who would have thought that this Disney princess had the gall to abandon the opportunity to further make herself look like a twit by committing to a 100minutes of unscripted dialogue? Not I. The commentary is shallow and sparse, generally focusing its attention on how great Duff is. Once again, who would have thought?

The featurette is fairly short (thank god) and pretty much goes nowhere for 10minutes, and then ends.

The cover just makes me glad I don’t have kids.

I appologize to those individuals who bought this movie looking to catch some skin, this is all you get.

The Lowdown

This is what we have come to expect from Disney. A series of mind numbingly dull and fluffy DTV spin-offs of existing, and equally dull, shows on their exclusive channels.

After watching this, I have come to realize that I hate Hillary Duff. Not in any personal way, but just in general. She optimizes everything I don’t like about people, and gets paid to do so. I will never meet her in real life, but hopefully she develops a major drug habit in the near future.

The movie itself seems more like a propaganda video than a genuine movie. Some might argue a conspiracy theory between the year the film was made (2002, when a certain war started), the message (“Join the Army, it’s fun!”) and Disney connection (after all, when had Disney ever been associated with war propaganda? [watch Education for Death]), but I don’t think we need to go into that. All you need to know is that the movie is the longest 100minutes you will ever endure, so hopefully you have your kids watching SpikeTV instead of the Disney Channel. Hopefully…

4 out of 10