What’s that? You’ve never watched a movie before? Don’t be scared. There’s just a couple of things you need to know before you pop that VHS into the machine, or plunk a nickel down at your local odeon.

1. Be alive. Also, as the movie plays, make sure that you’re looking at the screen that it’s being projected on. With some exceptions, smell, taste and touch are unnecessary senses for this experience, but for the most part you’re going to want to be able to see and hear. There are even a couple of exceptions to that rule; Most films made before 1930 have built in closed captioning, and the Terminator 2 DVD has an audio track that explains what’s going on. If you only possess one eye, you will not be able to truly appreciate any film made after 2009.

2. Find out what “genre” the picture is. If it’s a Horror Film, expect a large body count coupled with zero emotional resonance. If it’s The Passion Of The Christ, expect a low body count with high spiritual resonance. If it’s the Care Bears movie, expect merriment.

3. Learn about the men who made the picture (or wo-men). What other movies has the director made? Are any of them CLASSICS? How does this fit into their repertoire? Find out about their personal lives. Are they, or have they ever been, a member of the Communist Party? Did they grow up in the Mid-West? Who’s their favorite director? Was that director a communist?

4. Find out where all the bits and pieces of this film came from. You’ll have to keep a sharp lookout for film references, or “homages”, particularly since you’ve never seen any films before. There isn’t a single original thought in this entire film; if you can trace every line, shot, and plot twist back to it’s place of origin, then you can truly appreciate it’s place in film history.

5. Find out as much as possible about the subtext to the film. To the layman, it would be difficult to see that the Twilight series is an allegory for the life story of Otto von Bismarck. And it really is impossible to enjoy those films until you know that.

6. Films are never the result of independent creation, but rather a part of a movement of some sort. This movement can be traced from country of origin, from time period, or both. A classic example of a movement is from 1940, when director Boris Ingster famously said “Alright boys; let’s make some Film Noir!”.

7. Do research into who almost directed the film, who almost starred, and then visualize that movie while you’re watching the film that was actually made.

8. Find out who was dating who on set, who died during production, and who was arrested for drunk driving.

9. Make sure you know the box office of the movie in question, the Rottentomatoes score, and where it ranks in the AFI Top 100 list (If applicable).

10. Understand that movies are just a trick of the light, and not demons trapped in a box.

Ok kids. . . You should be good to go! Enjoy your feature presentation! They say there’s nothing quite like your first time.