It really hurts when people who don’t know shit about movies look at something you did and just trash it. All that work, all those long days and fights and compromises, deflated by an army of fat dudes determined to reinforce their self-esteem by finding fault in any respectably mediocre bit of pop-art. It makes me so mad!!! I can’t help but rant on Twitter or get all my best friends (Scott Mosier) together for a Podcast.

Earlier this year, I had to Twitter and Podcast my ass off when everyone collectively laughed at my Unstoppable trailer. Apparently, the world has grown too cynical for a good, old-fashioned bad movie about an evil train. I was pretty upset, and I made sure everyone with a monthly pass to my website knew about it. These people! Who are THEY to judge a movie by its trailer?

I made Unstoppable as a creed against Sarah Palin’s Blue-Collar, Main Street America. If you watch it again, you’ll see a carefully orchestrated critique on our blunt, over-praised workforce. But since you probably won’t watch it again, being that it’s actually not a very good movie (completely beside the point!), I’ll spell it all out for you here. Keep in mind that this film is based on a true story.

Somewhere in Pennsylvania (I forget where even though I added a chyron locater every time the film changes towns, regions, or major highways), an evil train corporation condensed all its excess malice into an evil train. This evil train extends over two miles long. Its filled with explosive glue. It has no breaks. It bleeds acid. Its head is painted like a clown. They numbered it Train 777 because 666 is for pussies. And this fucker will get your Delorean up to 88, no problem.

This evil train was never meant to actually go anywhere. But one day two Blue Collar American employees need to move it, a standard procedure that would have been executed just fine in Cambodia, but here gets completely botched. As a filmmaker, I don’t need time or dialog to convince you the workers are retarded. I just have to make sure one of them is played by Ethan Suplee.

Anyway, they don’t even want to move it because they’re on some kind of American pre-lunch-break lunch break. When they do finally get their asses in gear, they put it on the wrong track, a track which leads to the outside world. Instead of backing it up to try again, they jump out of the train to rig the next turn-off. They almost make it, too, but they both get distracted by a sudden push notification about the new Angry Birds update. The evil train sees a golden opportunity and guns it. Now the world has an evil train on its hands. The two employees later get to watch the ensuing drama from a TV in the employee break room, so I guess they don’t even get fired or shot.

Rosario Dawson is the lady in charge of evil trains. She comes to work late, so she’s not quite up to speed on the new evil train action. Once briefed, she immediately calls another late employee to go hop on the train. He tries but arrives too late (more about this guy later). No one knows how to deal with this evil train because it not only arrives on time, but early. After looking up the word “early” on her cell phone dictionary, Rosario Dawson tells her cell phone to “wake the president”. It googles “nuke the YMCA” instead. Precious time is lost, as is a YMCA. To deal with the stress, she hides in the bathroom and plays Angry Birds. But sometimes Angry Birds is just as stressful, you know?

Blue Collar American cops are placed all along the train tracks, so they can shoot the evil train to death. This doesn’t work because the train is not a meth-head. In fact, because the cops fire from both sides of the train, they mostly end up shooting themselves and collecting disability forever. They were also all late for work. They play Cut the Rope.

The Blue Collar American Evil Corporation that made the train really really REALLY just wants to deal with it by nuking Pennsylvania. Not only will it save them money in the long run (so many trains they’ll no longer need to deal with!) but it will also open up tons of farmland that’s currently “lousy with Amish”.

Instead of obeying this plan, Rosario Dawson goes behind her boss’ back and asks two train guys who happen to be on the same track to perform a miracle. Their idea is to drive really fast in reverse, attach their tiny train to the evil train’s ass, and drive in the other direction.

The two guys in the little train are pretty lazy and retarded, as per my thematic agenda. One is a young buck. He’s on his cell phone all the time because he’s got issues with his wife:

1. He caught her sending a text message when she clearly said she was just playing Angry Birds.
2. It was to her friend, a guy who has a crush on her.
3. The young guy shows the other guy his gun.
4. She kicks him out and gets a restraining order.
5. He’s forced to live with his boyfriend, Tom Savini.
6. It turns out she was really playing Angry Birds after all. The whole thing was a set up to…I’m not sure because I don’t understand the dynamics of white trash marital relationships.

The other guy is an old buck about to be forced out of his job despite his extensive knowledge of model train sets. He’s on the cell phone all the time because he’s got issues with his wife:

1. She’s dead.

That’s all we know about these two bucks, and that’s all they get to know about each other. Nevertheless, they’re stuck in a small train together for the film’s duration, so it has to be enough to make them best BFF’s for life. The only thing that goes by faster than a speeding evil train is character exposition in a film about a speeding evil train.

So they go in reverse and attach themselves to the evil train’s ass and… nothing happens. Surprisingly, their little Blue Collar train does not convince the giant evil train to stop fucking shit up.

Now Rosario Dawson has no choice but to do the nuke Pennsylvania idea. But wait! Just before she pushes the button, the film’s true hero finally arrives:

We saw this character briefly earlier in the film. His name is Dr. Peel-Out and he represents the only kind of Blue Collar Americans worth a damn: Welders. Quirky ones who don’t give a shit. He’s simply a different breed than the rest of us. That’s why I had him played by a retired Muppet.

When all hope is lost, Dr. Peel-Out peels-out right next to the train, rides along-side it long enough to lasso-on and get to work. In five minutes flat, he’s welded the two-mile long, explosive glue-filled body from the head.

Angry, the evil train head turns up the heat and takes to the air. “Oh no you don’t!” Dr. Peel-Out just digs tighter into its neck forcing it to the ground. He leaps to safety seconds before the whole things crashes into an Amish something or other. KABOOM!

Everyone thanks Dr. Peel-Out for saving the day. Of course, Dr. Peel-Out doesn’t give a shit about any of that. He’s got some metal-detecting to do. He spits out his toothpick, and saunters into the sunset.

So don’t laugh at my evil train movie. Dammit, it was about something.

(three stars)