Man, The Pope. That guy goes hard, am I right?
If you haven’t been paying attention, The Pope (aka Joseph
Ratzinger, aka hard mo’fo) has gotten himself into a minor
jam. Apparently, the pontiff let some pretty gnarly sex crimes slide
back in the day and that is looked down upon in the Catholic church.
Only not really.
Anyway, all this talking about The Pope (hence forth referred to as
“Pope talk”) got me thinking about the benefits of being the Holy See.
Let’s be honest, there are definitely more pro’s than con’s. Pro’s:
being the official go-to guy for God, having legions of followers and
the power to direct an entire religion. Con’s:
employing child rapists.
So, without further ado, three reasons why I want to be The Pope:
It was a big event when Joseph Ratzinger was selected as the
successor to John Paul II. Millions watched on TV and in person as that
black column of smoke wafted from The Vatican, indicating a new pope had
Ratzinger himself was rather bland. Old, white, kinda creepy looking.
Not being a Catholic, I had little interest in the selection. The only
thing that sparked my curiosity was that fact that Ratzinger was able to
change his name upon taking the title. That’s right, no longer was he
Joseph Ratzinger, he was now Pope Benedict the XVI!
And that was that. He was no longer called or referred to as
Ratzinger — by anybody. The entire world just went with it. “Pope
Benedict the XVI? Sure, whatever, sounds good.” It was only after
some investigating that I discovered all popes change their names, it’s
like some sort of pope tradition or something. Being able to change my
name to whatever I want is so appealing to me. I don’t know if I’d go
with a traditional Benedict or John Paul but I can definitely see myself
as a Pope Huffington Powers or something bad ass and tough like that. That
sounds like the name of someone battling the devil.
If there’s one thing everyone loves about The Pope (I know, I could
list HUNDREDS of things!) it’s his amazing outfits.
There’s the one with the tall hat, the red dress-thing, the Gucci shoes,
the bitchin’ scarves. And let us not forget the jewelry Benedict wears.
This guy wears more chains and rings than an fiscally irresponsible
In fact, it’s gotten to the point that people
would be disappointed if The Pope wasn’t dressed to the nines.
For a religion that doesn’t care for homosexuality, they sure do love
their flamboyant men in dresses.
I think I’d take it a step further
when if I were
pope. I’d release the very first clothing line. I’d called it VC (named
after Vatican City of course) and it would be fashionable but very
luxurious man dresses. In all colors, in all sizes! It would the
standard for all feminine-looking male clothing. See, it would be great
because I’d be doing two honorable things: fighting for the cause of
Catholicism and employing young children to make my
clothing line. Way to go, Pope Brandon!
# 3: LAWS
The Pope is the physical connection between us humans and our
creator, the big G-O-D. As such, The Pope has been given authority by
the man upstairs to do whatever the fuck he wants. The best part? He’ll
never be held accountable for it.
The Pope has said some gnarly things about gays, about abortions,
about people with AIDS. We don’t even have to mention the current mess
he’s gotten himself into. However, Benedict isn’t sweating it because
he’s got a rock solid defense: he’s The Pope.
You and I would be dragged to jail and publicly dehumanized if we
tried the things Benedict allegedly did. But good ol’ Ratzinger is
swearing he’ll be A-OK. It’s almost unfathomable to think someone would
try and prosecute him. In fact, the only chance of him getting replaced
would only come if he decided he was done. Like I said, the
authority of law doesn’t affect The Pope. In many ways, he reminds me of
a Robert De Niro character. Is that indefensible? Yes. But it’s also
Some days I just
think about what life would be like if I were pope. I’d spend my time
playing X Box while wearing a hat laced with thousands of ultra-rare,
ultra-expensive diamonds. I’d bless some people, accept gifts on behalf
of suffering nations and then ramble on about how condoms are the work
of the devil. Yep, it’d be pretty great.
Now you can see why I’m so fascinated by this guy. Think of it this
way: he has a secret identity, wears awesome outfits, lives in an
outrageous mansion and doesn’t fear the laws of any nation.
Sweet Jesus, I
think The Pope might be Batman.