Ever set up a perfect day only to have it spoiled by circumstances beyond your control?

Check this.

I had my Saturday all sorted. I was going to sleep in,  in the morning,  play Cricket in the afternoon then go to a concert being co headlined by Dave Dobbyn, Bic Runga, and Tim Finn, the latter being my favourite living musical artist.

Earlier in the week I’d told my team captain I wasn’t going to be able to play because the concert started at 5:00pm and was 45 minutes out of town and our games usually don’t end till around 5:30 – 6:00, but I said if you were short of players I could play until 4:00. I get the call Saturday morning (There goes my sleeping in) That they are going to be short, so I say ok I’ll play, I show up to the ground on the other side of town to be told that they found a replacement BUT he’s in his late 60’s and has a catheter bag, so can I stay just to field. So now I’m stuck on the other side of town and I don’t even get to bat. (I found out on Monday that despite us being well on top when I left, the batting line up completely collapsed and we got beaten by over a hundred runs). I think oh well it was a really nice hot day better to be outside doing something than vegetating indoors.

I go home, shower change, leave make it to the venue just on time. It’s taking place at a winery in the sticks, but there is a big turn out. The queue is massive and weird, it arcs away from the entry gate then doubles back on itself then turns into a spiral like some deranged crop circle. I take my place at the back of the line. A voice comes over the PA or maybe it was a guy with a megaphone that there will be a 15 minute delay in getting people through the gate because there were strong winds during the day and the stage isn’t ready yet. It’s not like we were queuing up to perform so I don’t know why they couldn’t let us in while they were fixing the stage. Eventually the line begins moving, but at a snails pace, it take nearly an hour to get from where I was to the outer circle of the spiral. Then because this magic spiral was self policed with no event staff overseeing it at all everyone in the middle just went fuck this and stormed to the front, so me and everyone else who had been queuing up for an hour already found themselves at the back of an even bigger queue.

People are not happy

Nice hot sun disappears behind heavy grey clouds and drizzle

Wish I had worn more than a pair of shorts and my favourite Split Enz Tshirt. Actually I was already wishing that because when I was in the inner circle of the queue ealier I passed a chick who was on the outer ring who out of nowhere charge at my with fingers out stretched like the bride of Frankenstein. I thought she was going to claw my eyes out but, it turns out she had her fingernails painted with the same pattern as my shirt. “Oh cool” I say, still scared, but relived to be alive and sited. The people around me laugh and make jokes, I say “It’s a small world” People laugh more, I have won over strangers Yay. Lady behind me says “She’ll be looking for you, don’t you worry, doesn’t matter how big the crowd is she’ll find you” Lady behind me was right but we’ll get to that later.

So we queue and wait and get rained on and queue. Behind us the line snakes backwards for at least 500 meters, you can figure out what that is in yards, I’m not your maths teacher. Eventually we get close enough to see what the hold up is. For this turn out of over 10,000 people they have one kid checking tickets, one lady handing out bracelet thingies and one dude checking bags. Note to Sandpeople: walking single file does not hide your numbers, storm troopers may not hit shit with lasers, but they get to their seats on time.

So I get through opening act was meant to start at 5:15pm it’s 6:30 and less than half the people are through. And I am teeth chattering, bone shattering cold. I go to find a place to sit, there was meant to be one side for people with deck chairs one side for people sitting on rugs/grass. There is no evidence of this to be found, us ground dwellers enjoy a good look at the nylon outlines of fat asses. I find a spot where I can make out the stage between two behemoths thanks to the gap created by their heads and necks… or is that a vase, whoa!

I tuck my goose bumped arms inside my Tshirt and rock back and forth like my wife and kid just bailed on me in Scatman’s snowmobile. When I hear

 “Are you ENZ angel?”

“What?” Arrrrgh it’s her

“are you ENZ Angel?”

“No” I’m burning this Tshirt

“Do You post on the ___________Message board?”

“No” Before this next line remember she is not hot…well her legs were alright for an old dame”

“Oh you should, here” she begins lifting up her shirt, (I’m thinking are we not in an extremely well populated area right now, many of whom are elderly, can I be the only one wondering what the hell is going on with this chick?) to reveal a way too big way too creepy tattoo of Tim Finn.

“You’ll know me on there, that’s my avatar”

“Ok”

“Bye”

And just like that she flutters off into the masses. The love of my life gone, right in front of my eyes.

The opening act plays, They are good they are gone. The crowd at the front disperses to by food and merchandise, to say hello again to friends not game enough to join them. I seize the opportunity, have to get out of this wind, I go right up to the front rail. As luck would have it right in front of where Tim would be most of the night. I’m a big fan of Dave and Bic’s too mind you, but I’m 70% there to hear Tim’s Solo stuff, and Split Enz and Crowded House classics.  It goes well for a while, much warmer with a stage to my front an audience to my back, and getting to move around a little if you don’t mind me saying. Then three drunk as fuck over the hill bitches wound up behind me, and were all about hollering out shit and leaning all over everyone to take pictures. The worst offender was this fat chick, Now I’m not one to make fun of people who are a overweight, God know I’m no Olive Oil (Couldn’t think of a comically skinny dude). But You know in Willow when that army gets turned into pigs? This chick was a soldiers fucking bacon and ham sandwich that got accidentally turned into a pig. Knocking everyone around spilling drinks all over everyone. One mother had to hall her kids out of there. My day was already doing a pretty fine job of souring it’s self up, didn’t need you sowering (pig humor) it up more.

So now I’m typing this a few days later got a runny nose, watery eyes, headache, but you know what…



                           
I was this close to Tim Finn and you cant tell me he’s not looking right at me HA!

Now where’s my nail polish?






Your short movie today? in keeping with the recent Wolfman bidness on Chud, I give you…