I really hoped to avoid writing this blog, hoped that I would have more interesting things to talk about than my job. I hate writing it even more because I know I’ve become that guy who always complains about his job in conversation, even when no-one’s brought it up. “How are you?” “Alright… but here’s why my job sucked this week.” I don’t like when other people go on and on about their jobs, so I’m not sure why I’m always blurting out some damn anecdote about the place.

The other thing is I’m pretty embarrassed to be 28 and working at a video store. All my friends have proper jobs, while I’m working a job best suited for someone straight out of high school. I’ve been there over 2 years, I pretty much run the place when the manager is away and yet I’m still on minimum wage, I could go work at a supermarket and the starting rate would be $3.00 more per hour.

I have next to no job security. Video Rentals is a dying industry, and on top of that the owners are fuck ups. They invested millions of dollars into a risky as hell venture that went under almost immediately, and has all but pulled our store down with it. We used to be in a shop 5 times as big*, but couldn’t pay the lease and relocated into a tiny little nook of a store. I get phone calls from DVD distributors angry that the owners have been screening their calls to avoid paying the large sums of money they owe. Since moving locales business has dropped off by at least half. Quite often lately I’ve worked shifts where the amount of money the store made isn’t enough to even cover my meagre wages, before overheads are factored in.

Times are bleak is what I’m trying to say.

But that’s not what I’m going to talk about, what I plan to talk about is how bizarre and plain old dumb people are. I guess in all forms of retail you’re dealing with a large cross section of society so you’re going to get wackjobs everywhere, but these are the particular nuts I have to deal with.

People with Dumb Questions: (all real ones I’ve heard, and I can assure you they weren’t trying to be ironic) (in Red what I wish I had said)

“What’s Titanic about?” ” duuude It’s from the Director of Aliens and Terminator, about a ship, and shit gets fucked up”

*Holding up a copy of Hellboy and Hellboy 2* “So are these not the same movie?” “No they are, they just put a gigantic fucking II next to the name and gave it a subtitle to confuse you”

*Holding up a copy of Legally Blonde and legally Blonde 2* “So are these different movies?” “How the fuck should I know?” (Having a dumb sequel question sequelized made my day)

*Holding up Brotherhood 2,3,and 4* “What order do I watch these in?” “Well you wanna start with brotherhood of the wolf”

*After I put a disc in the resurfacing machine to take out some scratches* “Are you rewinding it for me?” “You are an old person and I find you endearing”

*I get this one a lot* “So what day does this 7 day hire have to be back?” “Well lets see today’s Monday… Today is Monday… toooodaaaaayyyy iiiiiisssss mooooondddaayyy”

People who get really angry over nothing:

*Signing a dude up* Well what if I don’t want to become a member!” “Well then you can Fuck off up the road and stop wasting my valuable time that could be spent Annoying Jeremy Butler on facebook” “Who?” “Fuck off, he’s magical”

*After finding out he had a large fine after returning an overnight hire 36 days late* “fuck that I could have bought it for that much” “Actually for $288 you could have bought 10 of them, but you didn’t, you rented it from us and didn’t bring it back for over a month, Now try to guess exactly how much that cost the store? Now guess why it is that I don’t get a raise. FUCK YOU!”

“This movie wasn’t in English”

“Yeah that’s why it says subtitled all over the cover”

“How was I supposed to know what that meant?”

“I don’t know, because it’s the definition of that English word

“Why do you even have movies that aren’t in English?”

“Because people want to see them”

“But why even make a movie in another language?”

“Because it’s the language they speak in that country”

“Well they should make them in English, it’s fucking ridiculous”

Hang on one moment while I consult this browncoat handbook, so that I can begin swearing at you in Chinese

“Why does this one say ‘2D version’ on it?”

“Because we have a 3D and a 2D Version of the movie”

“Yeah but what’s 2D?”

I can show you, but fair warning: I will be punching you in one of your eyes

People that make me wonder “what you were thinking?”:

Old dude with a cane spending ten minute shooting me with his laser pointer.

Dude who couldn’t fit his buzz controllers through the after hours return slot so instead just left them outside in the rain.

Dude with incredibly fake looking hair

People who rent DTV Pamela Anderson movies and complain that they weren’t very good.

Guy who snapped a disc in half and tried to put it back together with cellotape and thought we’d be cool with that.

Person who took a shit in the comedy Isle (At a guess: Jay Leno)

Guy who had been banned trying to convince me to un-ban him because, it was all a misunderstanding he’d had with another employee who didn’t like him, when the other employee was Me.

Random flying beetle things that come in every night right around dusk, fly around for 2 minutes then die.

Co-worker who works in a video store, but has never heard of Clint Eastwood (but would probably know him if she saw him), and keeps filing Scarface away under ‘A’ because she thinks the movie is called “Al Pacino Scarface”

Dude who keeps his money in a sock in his pants.

Guy who applied for a job and listed his favourite movie as the Fast and the Furious “Saga”(Ok maybe this is George Lucas’s fault for lowering the bar on that word.)

Finally the people who bug me the most:

People who ask me about nothing but shit looking DTV movies who when I say “Haven’t seen it” act like I shouldn’t be working here because I don’t love movies enough.

Like most asses, you’re half right.

*It was not without it’s problems though. In winter it developed a weird mystery smell that Staff complained about, customers complained about, Staff ended up going home sick, and customers never came back over. Owners solution get the carpet professionally cleaned the throw their hands up and say” Well I dunno” when that did nothing.
 Also on my first solo shift after training it rained and about a 3 meter X 3 meter section of ceiling caved in and water came gushing in like it was a sinking ship. Coincidently, the radius of water pourage engulfed both the children’s and erotic sections which for one glorious night became one. The moisture making each DVD cling to each other, and protest at their tearing apart like two star crossed lovers.

This installments cheap and silly movie: The Lumberjack Goth