Earlier today, I attended Apple’s unveiling of their new iPad tablet computer.  Here is the transcript of my liveblog from the event.

8:00am – iTablet will use LCARS menu system. Wesley Crusher won’t give you a turn. I am a virgin.

8:15am –
Worried about smudging your iTablet with greasy fried chicken fingers? Don’t be! The iDrip accessory collects fatty runoff.

8:30am –
Bad news, Birthers! Obama’s birth certificate will be available in FULL COLOR in the new iTunes bookstore. $1.99.

9:00am –
At 1pm EST, Apple will harness the world’s orgasmic energy to power all iTablets until the year 2027. Talk about battery life!

9:15am –
Steve Jobs: “You think you’ve played Tetris, but you have not. played. Tetris.” (applause)

9:30am –
Ridley Scott-directed iTablet commercial will feature Russell Crow flinging an iTablet at a hotel desk clerk. Unbreakable!

9:45am –
High-end iTablet comes with built-in retro chic 28.8kbps modem, 2x CD-ROM drive, Mechwarrior 2. $5,999.

9:50am –
3rd generation iTablet already available in Singapore’s finest street markets. Still no cut and paste.

9:52am –
Steve Jobs holds up circa 1999 tablet PC, makes jerkoff motion, smashes it over one knee. Cancer’s not keeping him down!

9:54am –
INTO THE WILD was actually about the first person to camp out for an iTablet.

10:00am –
To facilitate the inevitable, all Apple stores will have an H&R Block booth starting tomorrow.

10:10am –
Press at iTablet event turning on guy we’re all pretty sure just farted.

10:20am –
Leno’s iTablet jokes to reach new heights of obviousness.

10:30am –
fapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfap

11:00am –
Steve Jobs: “iPad less immoral than iTampon.” (ululation)

11:05am –
First Apple stumble of the day: Press croissant table only has iCantBelieveItsNotButter. Yes, iCan.

11:10am –
Steve Jobs: “Now,
you’re probably wondering why I’m not wearing a belt with these jeans.
Introducing the iBelt Suite.” (applause)

11:15am –
Press: “So, you can buy a netbook AND a Kindle for less than an iPad?” (gunshot) (applause)

11:20am –
Ramp to hands-on area is just a mountain of trampled bodies. What have we become?

11:25am –
Apple rep says iPad touch screen will NOT work with tip of my penis. Trying it anyway.

11:30am –
Used iPad to email myself a link to a YouTube video. Watched it on my netbook. Works perfectly. Bravo, Apple!

11:35am –
Why no multitasking? Apple rep: “Let me see your press pass, please.” Not an answer, Apple!

11:40am –
Made it out of Apple event with an iPad tucked in my waistband. Zipper scratched the damn screen. iSad.