I used to answer each and every odd and fun question posed on the
message boards in the old days in these “Your Questions For” threads,
and the results were often a lot of fun. Basically folks could ask me
anything they want and I’d answer it honestly, jokingly, or with tons
of snark. Either way it was fun and it helped to illustrate the
personality of the site, the readers and their opinions, and answer
questions for new readers who don’t know what makes the site tick, who
I am, and why the fuck I am only five foot seven. So, I’ve resurrected
it! It’d be great to run one of these a week, but that’s up to you! use
the links at the bottom of the article to contribute.

Scars of Countdooku asks:

What is it about chicken that makes it so good and why do other things taste like chicken?

Would you come back as a ghost if you could?

What are your favorite beer related movies?

If you could switch bodies with anyone for one freaky weekend who would it be?

What three items might be a good idea to hoard in case of a Zombie Apocalypse?

What does Kangaroo taste like?

Who would win in a fight, Gandalf or Yoda?

Nick Answers:

That’s a misnomer. Chicken and many other things actually tastes like Early Man. Sadly, we are unable to order Early Man in restaurants.

Yep. Especially if I could haunt people I hate, mess up religious ceremonies, and cause Craig Wasson to jump out of a skyscraper with his dick spinning.

Beerfest. Strange Brew. Next of Heinekin, Miller’s Crossing. Busching Tin. The Coor. Ale of Me. Boddington of Evidence. ‘Stout Last Night. The Pabst Starfighter.

Tyler Perry. I’d spend the weekend laundering money and putting it in an account under my real name and just as the switcheroo were to happen I’d leap off the biggest skyscraper in town.

I don’t want to live in a world where the most overdone trend in horror history is happening.

Early Man.


Phil asks:

How is your role as producer reconciled with your role as owner of this
site? I guess I’m wondering if, say, Guy Pearce and Katie Holmes are
checking out the site, have a pre-existing awareness of the site, or if
you went on and on about the site all day to them, would they check it
out? I guess I imagine you’re in a unique position as far as “movie
web” guys go, and I’m curious how that colors the producing gig.

Would you be down with a
Bad Ronald remake, or is it all about the monsters and the man vs nature with you? 

Nick Answers:

I’m pretty at peace with the relationship. I’m an outspoken guy. I ripped Jan Debont’s ass for years on CHUD and then we were on a project together. I was approached by one of the other producers about the guy and I said “I’ve ripped him but he’d probably do a good job for us” and as soon as he was onboard I approached him and told him about my writings and we met and were fine. Now he’s off the project and I don’t really have any more jokes to say about him. If he goes out and makes a shitty film, I’ll probably call him on it. Most of my jokes don’t really come from a malicious place. There have been other filmmakers discussed for projects of ours whose work I’ve liked on CHUD [ah, I wish I could tell] but  who I’ve been drastically opposed to working with. People I like who would absolutely fuck the material up. I’d like to think that at the end of the day I can compartmentalize these two parts of my life. This is my playground. I can say silly shit and do stuff from the cuff because that’s the world I’ve created here. It doesn’t change the fact that I’ll crack a joke about someone who I end up working with. I’m very upfront about that stuff. As a producer I’m not the guy cracking Irreversible jokes. I’m actually good at the job. So, I’m always willing to address and communicate in regards to this balance and have nothing to hide. That said, because of the molasses pace of filmmaking in my experience, it won’t come up nearly as often as I’d like.

Sure! I’m all about variety.

Van Read asks:

1. You’re fucked on an island and can only bring ONE bands full
discography along with you. Whose catalog are you going to rot with?

2. Are you afraid to lose the mountain man look in case you have a bad case of nega-tan underneath it?

3. Odette Yustman as Wonder Woman. Why not?

4. How would you pronounce Doner, as in a gyro?

Nick Answers:

1. Mine.

2. The great thing about me is that I look like a mountain man 12 minutes after getting clean-cut.

3. Because the character is dumb and doesn’t deserve a film.

4. Like a boner.

Hammerhead asks:

You have the power to make your head explode at the time and place of
your choosing. Obviously, you can do it only once. When and where?

Nick Answers:

The final question of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. Or, in a place where a head explosion is the only thing that will get people to stop being such assholes about their God.

Koroshiya Keefu asks:

Since I’m quite new here, I’ll ask just one simple question:

– You have to shoot a movie for a big studio. You have two choices
forced upon you by the producers. 1 boring sex scene, or 50 separate
crash zooms onto the leading male character combing his hair with a
horse brush. Which choice would you make?

Nick Answers:

Sex scene. I’ll take boring every day over one of those Adrian Lyne-esque overstylized ones.

Evi asks:

You are allowed to adapt one book – any book, excluding Meg – which
would you choose and who would you cast and pick as director?

What are your top films of the summer?

How do you think this summer crop has compared to previous ones?

Nick Answers:

I’d like a shot at The Stand. Or the trilogy Ellroy just finished up. Or the book I just worked on that’s finished. As for directors, I have no idea. I’d rather get a few projects done and do it myself.

Here’s my tops of the whole year.

It was a decent summer I suppose. They all bleed together now.

Bucho asks:

1. Which five showbiz folks (movies, tv, standup, music) make you laugh the most?

2. Which three showbiz folks have reached a fame station the furthest
beyond what their talent warrants, aka who are the most over-rated?

3. Which three sports folks are the most loveable ever?

4. If The Nunz 2009 could go back and tell The Nunz 1999 three bits of
advice about running a CHUD-like webthing what would he say?

5. What kind of role should Johnny Depp do next to keep you interested?

6. What kind of role should Seth Rogen do next to keep you interested?

7. What kind of role should Justin Wadell (who many have called the
perfect blend of Depp and Rogen’s charms) do next to keep you

Nick Answers:

1. Louis CK, Doug Stanhope, Todd Barry, John Hodgeman, and Jeremy Clarkson.

2. Russell Brand. Jon Heder. Adam Duritz. But there are hundreds competing.

3. None of them.

4. Be smarter. Make the sense of humor always be the focal point of the site. Don’t do that deal you did to make it easier for everyone but yourself. Communicate better with Dave Davis. Hire a different redesign team. I question all of the shit this site’s done.

5. Simple Machines. Or anything not involving Tim Burton for a decade

6. Don’t know if he can at this point.

7. Spell his name right. He needs to get a job to keep his family fed, and then he needs to work on exciting shit with me. Like Haunted Tent and Big Dick’s.

Tati asks:

What’s up with the site’s finances and the promised new site with all the new content and features?

Selling the site to a bigger fish out there? Getting financing ? money coming in from your producing gig?

Nick Answers:

Shit’s happening, all I’m gonna say. 2009 was the worst year of the site. 2010 will be the best. I can almost guarantee it.

Renn Brown asks:

1) What’s your daughter’s flavorite flick? Wife’s? Mom’s? Beard’s?

2) This may have been queried before, but maybe not- what will you show your son first, once he achieves sentience?

3) Toss out your off-the-top-of-your-head best of the decade list.

4) Finish this analogy…

Channing Tatum : Cardboard Dildo : : Sam Worthington : _______________

Nick Answers:

1) Right now, Clash of the Titans and Avatar. Home for the Holidays. Funny Girl. Bearding There.

2) Oh he’s sentient. Probably some goddamn cocksucking kid’s fucking flick.

3) I can’t right now. Am trying to cobble a real list together though.

4) Hardbody DownUnder.

Gravedigger asks:

<Obligatory 11 COLONELS status update request>

Nick Answers:

A dull pulse.

Schwartz asks:

Would you rather live with a:

A) Predator

B) Na’vi

C) Conehead

D) Prawn

E) Scientologist

Same choices, but also choose one to live next door to, and one for your daughter to date.

Nick Answers:

If I had the ability to link with their weird filaments for sex, blue skin, and not flounder in their huge vaginas, a Scientologist.

Fat Elvis asks:

1. Favorite Soundgarden song/album?

2. More romantic:
Casablanca or The Empire Strikes Back?

3. Cameron or Bigelow?

Once Upon A Time In The West or The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly?

5. Best movie of ’39, ’89, & ’99?

6. Andre Dawson-legit HOFer?

The Maltese Falcon or The Big Sleep?

Phantom of the Paradise or Streets of Fire?

9. Dr. J vs Larry Bird?

10 Movie wise, Biggest surprise of the year?

11 A rumored Inglorious Basterds casting you’re most glad didn’t come true/ one, if any, ya most wish did?

12 Favorite Sherlock Holmes story or film?

13 If your band could do the Bill & Ted thing and travel back in time, who would you guys hang out and jam with?

14 Will Sam Raimi win the Spidey 4 fight?

15 Better Christmas movie–Die Hard or Lethal Weapon? Is it even close?

Nick Answers:

1. Badmotorfinger, though Fell on Black Days is my favorite song of theirs.
2. The Accused, with Casablanca right behind.
4. Once Upon a Time in the West.
5. Mr. Smith Goes to Washington [sorry Rhett!], Field of Dreams [sorry Spike!], and The Insider [sorry other great films!].
6. Borderline. I’d rather see Pete Rose get in.
7. No lose proposition.
8. Both are geek faves but I don’t really care. I suppose Phantom of the Paradise but I have no major love for either.
9. Great C64 game!
10. Avatar not sucking. Public Enemies not being great.
11. If Adam Sandler had played The Bear Jew I’d have been thrilled.
12. I don’t really have one. I mean, Without a Clue is my favorite Holmes film still!
13. Cavemen. That’d FUCK THEM UP!
14. Yeah. Dunno if audiences will though.
15. The Ref.


Arjen Rudd asks:

1. What is Kurosawa’s shittiest movie?

2. Your next feature film can either have a
career best Lance Henrikson performance or a photorealistic CGI bear with chainsaws for hands. What’ll it be?

Nick Answers:

1. No idea. I love some of his stuff and am indifferent to much of it. I appreciate more than rabidly follow his stuff. I know what Devonsawa’s worth movie is though…
2. Sorry Lance, I could rock the shit out of a chainsaw bear movie idea.

Adrian Dyka asks:

How is Don’t Be Afraid Of The Dark looking?

How awesome is Guy Pearce?

What have been the best and worst parts of the producing experience?

Nick Answers:

Apparently the current cut is fucking fantastic. I hope to see it before February. Everyone is really excited about it and I wouldn’t be too surprised if stuff started to emerge in February relating to its release later in the year.

As awesome as you’d expect. Very approachable guy who drives his own little car to set and whose work speaks for itself.

The best is being a part of something you believe in. The worst is the sheer amount of time it takes to get ANYTHING done. I’m not a very patient guy and it tests my very core. Keep this in mind. We’re still working on MEG. It’s been like eight years of mettle-testing stuff and I’m not even at the center of that hurricane.

Bucho asks:

1. Who is the greatest real life hero in the history of the world?

Nick Answers:

1. I can guarantee it’s someone whose name we don’t know, isn’t in a history book or bible anywhere, and someone whose deeds made a profound affect and will go unseen for all time

Bluelouboyle asks:

How did you make the leap from CHUD founder to Movie producer ? Did it
involve thousands of phone calls and lots of networking? Also, how did
you get to know Del Toro?

Nick Answers:

It wasn’t a leap but more a stumble. I’ve been wanting and trying to get involved in the business for some time but as most of you know it’s a nightmare business. I’m still not where I need to be in terms of knowledge, experience, and resources to really make a dent though I have about four or five really good projects in the works. Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark will be the first movie I’ll have been involved with that represents something closer to my sensibilities. Nothing against Grizzly Park, but I wasn’t involved in the creative process of that film. Otherwise there’d had been buckets of fluid shooting out of every corner of the screen. I had a great time but it isn’t a film people who know me would expect from me. DBAOTD is a classical horror movie. With monsters. Made by collaborators I love, respect, and admire. It will contribute something to the genre it needs. The stuff after that movie is the real meat of what I’m hoping to bring to the table. Fingers crossed. Guillermo was a CHUD reader since the early days and over time we made contact and realized we were sorta kindred spirits. Except you know… he’s brilliant and well-read and I play softball in my spare time. He’s one of those people whose influence will be one I cherish on my deathbed. Hopefully not soon.

Lisa NY asks:

1. Did you ever have the feeling you’re being watched?

2. If so, is it just paranoia, or do you think everyone is really out to get you?

3. I’ve had anxiety attacks. Have you ever had an anxiety attack?

4. If yes, it was scary, wasn’t it?

5. It felt like you were having a heart attack and losing your mind at the same time, didn’t it?

Nick Answers:

1. Sometimes. And then I remember I’m boring.
2. It’s an active imagination overvaluing itself.
3. No. Hope never to either.
4. N/A.
5. N/A.

Evi asks:

1. Do you think LisaNY needs psychiatric help?

Nick Answers:

1. Nope!

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