The Film: The Children.

The Principals:
Written and Directed by Tom Shankland. Starring Rachel Shelley, Eva Birthistle, and Hannah Tointon.



“I can see the North Pole from here!”


The Premise: On a sweet vacation in the snowy mountains with a few families enjoying some time together, the kids go batshit and attempt to slaughter anyone with pubic hair. It’s spread like a disease, this killing fever. So if your kid is coughing and British, BEWARE.

Is it Good: Not really. Worse yet, it’s one of the Ghost House DVD releases, continuing a trend of any movie not directed by Sam Raimi coming from Ghost House being largely unremarkable. It’s a very lucid movie and Shankland has an interesting filmmaking style. The use of sound, the uncomfortable editing, the willingness to embrace the odd. It’s just not very good, partially because the kids basically go from playing amongst themselves to having the weird balance of being somewhat catatonic and ‘broken’ and then trying to slaughter the living. The kids try, and there’s some tension but it doesn’t ring true and the whole thing rests on such a flimsy premise it’s not worth the effort.

Have you seen Who Can Kill a Child? Well watch that again instead.

Why it’s on FUCK KIDS week: Because these little assholes all look like murderous kid versions of older actors. There’s a sadistic Amy Smart-alike, a Rupert Grint hatedoll, lil’ Neal Patrick Harrissassin, and a cute little Zooey Deschanel terrormoppet.


Every night little Timothy’s prayer was the same… ‘Don’t let Willam Katt hair happen to me’.


Is it Worth a Look: Not really. Though it tries and has an interesting style and offbeat way of telling a story, it doesn’t deliver on its promise. Especially if you listen to the folks who proclaimed it some great gift to horror. It’s not bad. It’s just not going to stick to your bones.

Missed Opportunity:

“Have you checked the children?”  “Know what… FUCK THE CHILDREN. They killed Pete!”


Random Anecdotes: The women all have MILF appeal, except for the teenager who reminds me a little of Emma Stone. I only say this because it’s true that a British accent makes a cute woman hot. This is by far the best of the Ghost House movies, which is kind of like saying it’s the best death of a pet. The ending is dumb. I find it unrealistic that a murderous child virus can be spread through airborne or other means, and I expect absolute logic in EVERY FILM IS SEE. One thing this film gets right is the near-impossibility of killing your own kid. There’s some effective stuff here and it’s kinda similar to Grace in ways, also an ‘almost’ film.

Cinematic Soulmates: Who Can Kill a Child? The Good Son (no not really, because fuck that movie). The Brood (no not really).


“Trick or Teat!”    “I’m drug-addled Rupert Grint and she’s Tara Reid’s innocence.”





Buy it here and CHUD gets a cut! or Buy it on Overrated Blu-Ray!



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