The Film: It's Alive (2008).

The Principals: Written by Larry Cohen and Paul Sopocy. Directed by Josef Rusnak. Starring Bijou Phillips, Raphaël Coleman, Owen Teale, James Murray, Jack Ellis, and Skye Bennett.


Weird thing, this BEFORE the killer baby. Doc's so hardcore this is how he preps himself for surgery.

The Premise: A young college student takes a break from her studies to have a baby that annihilates people.

Why it's on FUCK KIDS week: Imagine if you crossbred a baby and Home Depot's chainsaw department. The result is a creature who is cute but has plans that involve serious smashing of meats. I mean, the worst Regal MacNeil did was piss on the floor and puke at priests. This little jerk snacks on faces and rips limbs away like it's the last call before Kindness Day.

Missed Opportunity: The baby obliterates a chicken and then feeds on it before casually remarking that it tastes like Eleanor.

Missed Opportunity II: The baby obliterates a Frenchman, who mutters 'enfant terrible' before Le Reaper claims him.


'Probably shouldn't have eaten that last landmine', Dorothy mused..

Is it Good: It is most certainly not! It's crap! The acting and characterization is wafer-thin, though Phillips and her body double do what they can to help. But no, it's a wet ball of ruined asshole. The original film is hardly great on its own, but it was nice and simple and visceral. A murderous tot is pretty compelling, especially one whose origins (in the original films much more than this) lie in the dangerous world of medical experimentation.

And Bijou Phillips as your star? No.

The official definition for a bijou is 'something delicate, elegant, or highly prized'.

Nope.


"If you think I'm falling for the 'There's a mutant infant on the pipe above me' trick for the third time this week you've got another thing coming, Skippy."

Is it Worth a Look: No. NO. NO!

Random Anecdotes: If this was a hit, Lloyd Kaufman would've greenlit Troma's Shit's Alive. The baby is normal looking until the end, when it suddenly resembles the 'It's Alive Baby' eighteen or nineteen Americans remember. I would have liked the kid to have been toothy and ugly right out the gate, because the parents of ugly kids are always the last to realize they have a death adder in their stable.

Considering the damage the little asshole does it'd have to have the grace of a dancer, the cunning of a fox, and the strength of Louise Fletcher.

Cinematic Soulmates: Itself. Also: Every It's Alive movie ever made. Child's Play. Margot Kidder. Where the Child Things Are. John Hughes' She's Having a Hatebaby. Dreamgirls.


"AMIGA GRAPHICS!"





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