Quite some time ago I made the greatest movie ever made ever. It was called The Titanic and it made you, your mother, your girlfriend, and even tough nuts like your dad and boyfriend bawl like a bunch of brand new orphans.

Most people blame the The Titanic’s success on the fact that it featured Leonardo Di Caprio before he got fat and Kate Winslet before she had her name legally changed to Skinemax. But in reality, The Titanic was only awesome because I directed it. You don’t know that but Hollywood suits do, and that’s all that really matters to me because they are the trees from which dough grows.

As a reward for making the most successful film since Star Wars, the Hollywood suits gave me Carte Blanch, which, for those of you morons who don’t read German, translates as, “Write your own ticket, Sam Strange!”

Many filmmakers get opportunities like this and immediately blow it on indulgent, boring, personal pieces of crap. But that’s just not how I roll. My answer to all that freedom is to make a movie that will replace The Titanic as the most expensive, most successful, most spectacular, most technologically advanced film of all time. It may have cost a billion dollars and thirteen years of my life, but with Avatar, I believe I’ve achieved that goal.

Or maybe not. Apparently the people who paid for the film are nervous now that they’ve seen footage. To test their fears, they offered people fifteen minutes for free, and no one showed up. So now they’re all pissed at me before the film’s even had a chance to fail. As a last ditch effort to drum up interest, they’ve asked me to come here, CHUD.com, to give away the entire movie.

So here’s the deal, this is the story of why Avatar is the greatest film you will ever see, this is why Avatar is going to be “a game changer”. If any of your friends tell you they think the movie looks like a goofball cartoon send them here and kick them in the A-hole on their way out.

I had an unlimited budget for Avatar. I wanted to do something very special with it, so I hooked up with NASA for some ideas. As it turned out, NASA secretly knew of a planet filled with blue cat people, but no one was willing to go because the trip takes six years both ways. I asked NASA if I looked like a pussy, NASA said no, and we were on our way.

A lot happened during those first six years. Crew members died, new crew members were born. Back on Earth, new movies came out all the time, each advancing CG technology further than the last. Sadly, I could not watch these films because I was stuck on a fucking space ship, which offered only a half eaten VHS copy of Dances with Wolves for entertainment. I totally have that movie memorized now, even the Indian language stuff. Tatanka!

It was a rough trip. By the time we got there my star, Channing Tatum, had suffered a major back injury and my 2nd billing, Sigourney Weaver, had aged twice as much as Michael Jackson predicted she would. This basically necessitated that my actors only appear in a small part of the film. My plot about two class-opposed lovers who voyage on an “unsinkable” Alien ship which Alien sinks after hitting an Alien iceberg had to go.

This huge problem resolved itself once we got to the planet. Everything about it was beautiful and exotic. Chunks of land floated in midair, plant life looked like a rainforest under black-light, huge unbelievable monsters roamed around for fresh meat. But most beautiful of all were the human-like Na’vy, with whom we found guides, protectors, and, after installing shock-collars, fairly decent actors.

The plot would now be about a wheelchair human who makes a Nav’y body to jump around in. He’d fall in love with an actual N’avy and end up protecting her race from stupid white humans led by Sigourney Weaver who also takes on a Na’v’y body, but not a N’av’y heart.

The film was easy to shoot. No CG was necessary because everything on the planet already looked fake as shit. People want to call Avatar photo-realistic and I guess that’s true in the sense that Cocoon is photo-realistic. It’s twenty-four real photos per second of stuff that shouldn’t exist. There’s a big difference, and it will totally change the game. Someday we’ll find a planet where the aliens look less fake and all movies will be made there and people will look to me as a pioneer.

Those of us who survived the planet were pretty jazzed to come back home again and show off our beautiful footage. Six years later, we entered a planet more foreign than the one we’d just returned from. There was now this thing called the Internet and Lord of the Rings and some asshole had made a 3rd Terminator film! My good friend Arnold had become President of California! People could talk on phones while walking around wherever they wanted! Tight-rolling your jeans was no longer cool! Celine Dion had turned into Wayne Newton!

So maybe I’ve lost touch with modern people. Maybe Avatar a little less great than the awesome it’s supposed to be. Look, I humbly apologize if that’s the case. Yet I still must ask for your ticket. Actually, I need you to buy three or four. If this film isn’t profitable, they’re going to murder me. Our trip cost Earth 30,000,000 barrels of high octane gasoline, and some want to blame us for the current economic crisis. Also, it is quite possible that an army of Navy’ are coming here right now to blow us up in retribution. I know how to fight them, but I won’t tell until you’ve all made this film the most profitable film of all time. Oh, stop whining. You never know, you might actually find it entertaining.

(three stars)