I used to answer each and every odd and fun question posed on the
message boards in the old days in these “Your Questions For” threads,
and the results were often a lot of fun. Basically folks could ask me
anything they want and I’d answer it honestly, jokingly, or with tons
of snark. Either way it was fun and it helped to illustrate the
personality of the site, the readers and their opinions, and answer
questions for new readers who don’t know what makes the site tick, who
I am, and why the fuck I am only five foot seven. So, I’ve resurrected
it! It’d be great to run one of these a week, but that’s up to you! use
the links at the bottom of the article to contribute.
2. Which actress would you most like to fuck right now?
3a. What are your five favorite books?
3b. If you have no classic lit (pre-1900) in the prior list, what is your favorite work of classic lit and why?
4. I think it’s an overall good thing that humans occasionally get eaten by sharks and bears; do you agree?
5. You get a tattoo to showcase your individuality and belief in personal freedom. What tat and where is it?
6. If you had to spend six months with the tv tuned to only one channel, which channel would it be?
7. John Lennon and Paul McCartney compete in the ’72 Olympics
triathlon; who gets silver and who gets gold? What does the winner
sing? How about the silver medalist (aka the loser)?
8. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are the best candy in the world. Any arguments?
9. How the hell can anyone watch films on an IPOD or IPhone? What’s wrong with you people?
10. Veal: the cruelest meat or does the innocence make it extra-delicious?
11. Snow White has been raped and dismembered. Which Dwarf was the mastermind and which was the reluctant assistant?
12. With today’s tools, almost anyone can write and publish a book or
make a film; most of them are craptacular. Do you think this kind of
creative freedom is a good thing?
13. Will we see more of your unproduced scripts adapted as graphic novels?
14. If you could transfer your brain into any currently living person’s body, who would you choose?
15. If you had to fuck a guy, who would it be? (My pick: Jesus)
16. Okay, which actress would you most like to fuck right now?
1. Um, have you seen how I look?
2. Since most of the actresses Hollywood is burping up these days are either GIRLS or generic as heck [yeah I’m talking about Megan Fox], it’d have to be someone with legit sex appeal and someone I *think* would be worth it. As in, not a hollow experience. After watching some of the Watchmen DVD special features I’m reminded of how badass Carla Gugino is. Maybe someone like her, because the expected Maxim cover girl types would just be annoyingly vain and forgettable.
3a. I have read a decent amount of ‘GOOD’ literature but oftentimes tend to enjoy the lighter fare more. I mean, I’m the MEG guy! In the CHUD Book Draft from 2003 I chose stuff like Jaws, Danse Macabre, Brain Droppings, Gravity’s Rainbow, The Black Dahlia, and Carrion Comfort. I have a large library of stuff but it’s more reference material than anything. So in reality the bulk of my prized stuff is books about sea life or catacombs or whatever. I need time to think on this. I just wasted 30 minutes looking through books and am no closer to having a legit answer. Let’s revisit this.
3b. If you consider Dracula, Frankenstein, Lovecraft’s stuff, and Poe classic lit… you have me. I haven’t read much Sumerian stuff nor have I revisited the Bible after being forced to read it in school.
4. Absolutely. The only cavaet is that whenever an animal eats a person, it has to be hunted down and killed. Bullshit. We are in THEIR world, and many times when we get taken out it’s because we didn’t respect that. Obviously there are exceptions.
5. You mean aside from the one I already have of me putting quarters in Mother Teresa’s vending slot? I wouldn’t get a tattoo to showcase my individuality. You’re supposed to do that with action rather than symbols. The whole tattoo culture has gotten out of hand because a lot of it seems to be folks using them as the expression rather than by contributing anything. So, if I ever got a tattoo it’d be something silly and personal or some little character I made or something. I’d put it on my hand somewhere.
6. The MLB Network.
7. Lennon destroys McCartney in all challenges, except taste in women.
8. I like them a lot but can’t have them often. I tend to gravitate towards hard candy myself. That was not an Ellen Page joke.
9. Nothing is wrong with us people. I don’t like being tied down to one location and due to my scatterbrained way of life and numerous ventures and projects I have to be flexible. Typically the only time I can truly be still is in bed at two or three in the morning. Unfortunately, my wife exerts her power in the form of “no TV in the bedroom” so I have my IPOD. Plus, when it’s half a foot from your face it might as well be a big screen TV.
10. All meat comes at a heavy price of cruelty. Veal is heartbreaking stuff and I try not to eat it often, though I do like it. I do feel that there’s not much I can do about it and if the meat is already prepped I’d rather not let it go to waste. Such a lame argument.
11. The Disney-omitted but no less vital Rapey the Dwarf.
12. I think it is. It doesn’t guarantee anything for you to make ‘art’. Look at all the music I put up. That I do it is partially because of the empowering tools out there. Doesn’t mean folks are going to listen to it. It allows people to create and maybe some of them find an audience. The tools are innocent, it’s the people that ruin or vindicate them.
13. Probably not. I can’t afford the artists anymore. If that changes, I’d love to. I have about 300 pages of work I haven’t shown you guys.
14. Why would I want to do that? My brain is worthless elsewhere. Shit, it’s barely worth anything here!
15. If I had AIDS, Robert Pattinson. If I didn’t, someone with a very well-manicured ass mound.
16. Oh NOW? I would love to fuck Jessica Alba right now. All this ass mound discussion, I guess.
Andrew C asks:
“”Up” is … probably the best animated feature ever made.”
Are statements like this threatening to ruin the validity of your website?
First of all, who said we were VALID? Secondly, and I know you have a hard on for Devin, it’s an opinion on an opinion based site. I don’t mind. I loved the movie too though I’d take a handful over it in a heartbeat. The first half is just about perfect. I don’t mind comments like that if they come from the heart. How can it be wrong if that’s how he truly feels?
Eyeball Kid asks:
1. Boxer-briefs: an undergarment breakthrough, or an unholy chimera that SHOULD NOT BE?
2. How many suits do you own, and how old is the oldest one?
3. As a parent of two young kids, I have to ask: you do know how
temporarily (yet thoroughly!) fucked life is about to get with baby
#2’s arrival, right? Just checking.
4. I need a new gamertag for Xbox Live. Any ideas or unused HALO names in the vault?
1. They are just fine. A nice combination of different drawers allows one to fit any occasion.
2. Five, the oldest being about seven years old. I wear them very rarely and it usually means something overrated is happening. Like a wedding. Or a death. Or the worst… some religious nonsense like a baptism.
3. I ain’t worried.
4. Offhand, a few from the vault: Street Fag, Bread Voice, Prayer Wasp, Children, Airport Ted, and Junk Junkerson. For many more… seek THE ORACLE.
LOL! The mighty Nick
Nunziata has been to the Pony. Been there a few times – the girls are
fair. Sometimes you see a whole bunch of Asian gangbanger homies in
there, at least when I frequented the establishment.
Now, the real question remains: Have you ever been to MAGIC CITY?
I went to Magic City as the lone white member of a contingent of large and strapping black folks, many of them professional athletes. I shant forget nor recount the experience.
Why are so many of our otherwise intelligent board members flocking out to see fucking Transformers 2 instead of something, y’know, good?
Do you really believe all that “I’ll buy a ticket for something else
and sneak into Transformers” bullshit, or is it just trying to save
face? Moreover, why buy a ticket for (example) Drag Me to Hell and then sneak into the other theater when they could JUST WATCH DRAG ME TO HELL AND ENJOY THE HELL OUT OF IT?
Lastly, who is your favorite Transformer and why.
I cannot explain the phenomenon of people who support that film after the first weekend.
My favorite Transformer is Lou Reed.
El Santo asks:
Nice to see the Movie Microscope back. I remember reading a lot of
these back in ’02-’03 when I discovered the site and they were awesome.
My question is do you still have them archived somewhere?, the only one
I could dig out with a google search was the one for “The Hunted”.
Are we gonna have the pleasure of reading new ones?
Hollywood is doing its very best to ensure that more Movie Microscopes happen.
Paste Pot Pete vs. Prince Fielder.
Or Tigra Woods.
1. My questions from 5-29-09 (link) are still unanswered. Why don’t you love me?
2. There are people on these boards who want to become film critics.
Can you think of anything more socially useful for them to do instead?
3. What is iguana heaven like?
4. Should people try to do what they love for a living, or try to do
something tolerable that provides enough money for them to finance the
non-working life they love?
5. The giant electric sharktopus: freak of nature or savior of the world?
6. What’s your favorite disease? (My current fave is Fatal familial insomnia.)
7. Civilization has collapsed. Are you a rugged individualist living off the land or are you sucking dick in exchange for food?
8. Dr. Hannibal Lecter is one of my fictional heroes. Is this wrong?
9. What’s the first film that made you think “There are some people who just shouldn’t be allowed to make movies.”?
10. Which is better: knowledgable sadness or ignorant bliss?
11. Can you come up with an interesting slant on the tired monster that is the vampire? (Share with us, please.)
12. After a night of salvia and bad scallops you decide to remake The
Magnificent Seven using only women and/or classic monsters for the
titular Seven. Who do you cast?
13. Frankenberry, Count Chocula, and Booberry Monster Cereals are still
around (though hard to find); Fruit Brute and Yummy Mummy were killed
off by angry townsfolk. Invent three new Monster Cereals to stand the
test of time.
1. Your love has been gifted above!
2. Not really, lest I descend into hypocrisy. That said, anyone who tries to reach into that world… please include links to CHUD.com in everything you do.
3. A lot like human Heaven. And Oz. And Dreamy Space Town!
4. Case by case. If what you love is making balsa wood enemas, you might want to find supplementary income.
5. If affixed with a Gatling gun, an unstoppable and rank smelling hero for all ages.
6. Fictional Diseases: Face AIDS, Nihilist Knuckles, and Beer Bones. Real Diseases: Face AIDS, Cookie Aftermath, and Pneumonia of the Coughs.
7. Sucking dick leads to food! In the event of an unlikely apocalypse I will probably start a pick-up baseball game in a nearby field until the cannibals find me.
8. After Hannibal Rising, yes.
9. They’re Playing With Fire.
10. Being great and knowing it.
11. I can, actually. But I want to hang onto it in case I’m in a position where someone offers me a job based on it.
12. Xtro, Misquamicus, a Ghoulie, Kuato, a Graboid, Belial, and Fisher Stevens are THE NEW MAGNIFICENT SEVEN!
13. Dungeon Yums. Crispy Burneds. Sugary Zombie Blasts. Honey Rapes. Splattermorsels. Frosted Homicides.
How dire is the finiancial situation with the site, and along with paypal how else can the average schmoe try to help out?
And on a lighter note, what’s one thing you’d love to implement on the site?
The situation is rough because the ad market sucks right now, I overstretched the reach of the site and assumed increased staff and the [fuck you guys] redesign would result in better use of the site and it simply hasn’t happened. A wiser person would have cut a lot of bait, but I’m stubborn. Things will get better but the next six months are gonna be tough.
Folks can help out mostly by frequenting the site, enaging in the boards, participating in the stuff like Facebook and Twitter and whatnot, sometimes using our Amazon links or god forbid, grabbing some swag of ours, and the Paypal help.
We are actually progressing well with the latest attempt of fixing the site after a year+ case of blue balls with the last effort. I hope to address much of what we need though I desperately want an iPhone app.
Jack Dnim asks:
What is your favorite last guy on Earth movie?
Which do you prefer the sun or the moon?
Is world peace possible in our lifetime, barring ironic achievement through nuclear desolation?
Seagulls or Pigeons?
What is it like living in Georgia? Does it rain alot?
The one Steve Alten and I are plotting.
World peace can and will never happen. Shit, I can’t get three of my best friends to agree on lunch half the time.
Seagulls. Because many of them are inexplicably missing legs and they don’t give a fuck.
Georgia is a great place to live, especially if you like stuff like golf and softball as I do. It doesn’t rain enough (aside from this year) but when it does, it’s typically a deluge that rocks my ass.
88 Inches asks:
1. You make a lot of music. Would you ever make a spanish language one
with arbitrary lyrics just for the hell of it? I think it would be
2. Let’s say you get to go on vacation by yourself. What would you bring in the way of…
a. A book
b. A magazine
e. What else is absolutely necessary?
3. You have a lot of old CHUD stuff for sale on cafepress http://www.cafepress.com/chud. Does any of this ever get purchased? Seems a lot of the stuff goes way back.
4. Tell me why I should get an I-phone.
5. You had a saltwater fish tank going. Is this getting abandoned? No more fish? No more corals? No more love?
6. Some of the best things about you are that you’re motivated, driven,
and enjoy staying busy. You have multiple, diverse projects going on at
once. I always intrigued by what’s in the underlying current.
a. What drives you?
b. What keeps you driven?
c.What inspires you?
d. What do you look forward to about the process?
7. If you had to live with one image, one painting, one poster etc–as
if all of the posters and paintings in your house had to come down and
you had to choose one to see every day… what would it be? I guess I’m
asking, What’s your favorite image of all time?
1. I don’t know Spanish except for te gusta jugar al baloncesto and have no interest in becoming a more enriched and diverse person by learning the language. I would consider making up lyrics that SOUND spanish. Like a tune called ‘Mi amigo es Conquistador Visage’.
a. The new Jack Reacher book I’ve been ignoring… and The Baron in the Trees.
b. Empire. The best movie magazine in town.
c. Lately I’ve been all over Dewar’s 12 Year Old Scotch.
d. End of the World Party (Just in Case) – Medeski, Martin, and Wood.
e. Blank paper, pens, and all the games on my phone.
3. Every once in a while stuff gets bought. I remember the thrill I got when I saw someone I didn’t know wearing a RON shirt. A lot of it is really old and I plan to one day clean the store up and organize it better. Until then it’s doing no one any harm drifting around lonely in cyberspace.
4. When your cable modem gets hit by lightning it’s no sweat and you can send me Scrabble games back at the drop of a hat. And Quordy. And you can also use it to call people. And in three months you’ll be able to update your blog with it.
5. I have a tank that still lives after the other took the serious loss, but a few power failures have really fucked it up. Currently it is a live rock and hermit crab haven but in no shape to really devote time to it. I think my present to myself upon returning from my upcoming adventure abroad will be to try and build a really fanciful tank but I think I’ve stretched myself and two major holocausts of beloved sea beasts is enough to take me out of the game for a while. That said, I know someone who could work wonders with all of this stuff I have.
6. This is a bad time to ask me this question as I’m coming out of a two-year fog of disappointment. That said, I’m getting my legs under me again. Ask this one again in a couple of weeks.
7. If I want to be sentimental I’d go with one of the photos of my little girl. But in terms of art and the like… one image I’d hang above all others? Hmmm, maybe this one.
Ed Hocken asks:
Does fucking James Cameron give you etnernal youth? Because how does Kathryn Bigelow look that good at 57?
I think James Cameron fucking you would take about six years and you’d have to get new sexual equipment installed to enjoy the full experience.
If you had to decide one of your family members to live and all the rest to die, who would you save?
We’d probably all die because I wouldn’t accept the terms and die trying to save all.
Hunter Tarantino asks:
What, in your opinion, is Bill Murray’s finest hour?
How about Bill Paxton’s finest hour?
Best Verhoeven sci-fi?
What’s your first movie you bought on VHS? First taped off of HBO (or Showtime, or Cinemax, or pay per view)?
Do you remember the arcade game NARC? If so, your take on it? (No
relation to Carnahan’s film, but that would be brilliant playing as
foul-mouthed Patric and Liotta.)
Most wanted unreleased movie on DVD? Besides Yor, of course.
Have you seen 1986’s Quiet Cool, a.k.a. the serious minded Pineapple Express, starring James “God of Awesome” Remar?
6pm is Bill Murray’s finest hour. That said, I really think Rushmore is the pinnacle of his work both dramatically and comedically though arguments can be made for a lot of his output.
Either 3pm or The Vagrant. Actually Frailty.
Heaven Help Us, I think. I distinctly remember taping The Breakfast Club and being sad because it overlapped with my It’s Your Move episodes.
I liked the game a lot, though it’d be funny if the game was about you ratting on your brother’s pot stash.
Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark.
I had HBO in the 80’s so of course I saw it!
1a. Would you love your kids less if they turned out to be dumb? I’m talking List of Dumb dumb, not mute.
1b. What if they’re wickedly smart but become Conservative Republicans?
2. You’re a Nexus 6 replicant who starts to develop emotions. What do you get emotional about?
3. Is there anything that Man Should Not Know?
4. Incestuous relationships tend towards ickiness, but should they be illegal if both parties are consensual adults?
5a. Best big bug flick other than THEM!?
5b. Why so few giant monster films these days? What can we do about it?
6. Which monster from myth and legend really deserves more love? Which deserves more hate (other than vampires)?
7. Although they’re getting on in years, I believe James Cromwell (who
I was surprised as hell to discover wasn’t British) and Ben Kingsley
would be (or would have been) the perfect Holmes and Watson. Which
actors do you think best fit those roles?
8. Where are you most comfortable: city, town/suburb, or country?
9. Swine flu is lamer than Larry Flynt. Pick a good plague to thin the
herd a bit. Feel free to invent one if the current crop of diseases
don’t thrill you.
10. How will the invention of artificial wombs impact the abortion
debate and womankind’s monopoly of human propagation decision-making?
11. Frito-Lay has come out with some weird flavored Doritos lately.
What flavors should they look into, and what flavors should they avoid?
12. How young is too young to learn about anilingus?
13. What do you hope your last words will be? What do you think they’ll really be?
1b. Kinda negates the wickedly smart thing, doesn’t it?
2. When my peep gets hard and I don’t know why and have to touch it until it pukes and shuts up.
3. I think man should know that what he thinks he knows is bullshit and then man should mind man’s own business and not think man is the center of the universe.
4. The law is a jerk and when it comes to personal matters, unless it truly is a violation, I tend to be lenient. Plus, if you have a hot relative who needs to be fucked by you what are you gonna do? Let SOMEONE else fuck ‘em?
5a. Starship Troopers!
5b. I have said it before. If I got all the power I richly deserve I would use it not to make inspiring stories about real-life heroes or great works that challenge the mind but films about big beasts fucking towns up. Someone needs to find a way to sneak me into the machine!
6. Werewolves are still grossly mishandled. As are sea serpents and forest whores. Vampires and zombies need to take a ten year hiatus.
7. Ben Kingsley’s already played Watson in my favorite Holmes movie! I don’t really think I have a team in mind because there’s no way someone’s going to do it better than Rathbone and Bruce.
8. I’m most comfortable near a large body of water.
9. I would like a disease that only targets people who make their decisions based on religion.
10. The best part about making babies isn’t going to change in EVER.
11. Doritos taste good but at a horrible cost. I’m looking forward to their Cream Cheese Yeti, Tortured Invasion, and Dry Heave flavors.
12. It’s a rude awakening if you go from the incubator right into the ass tasting business.
13. I hope my last words are: “I am the last man on Earth and now I will end us all!” but more likely my last worlds will be “Fuckaaaaaaaahbitchassssss!” as I try to take a List of Dumb photo while going 90mph on the highway in a rainstorm.