I want to give a big thanks to the “birther” movement.  I mean, honestly.  You guys are really helping me out a lot with your theory that President Obama was born in Kenya and, therefore, his entire presidency is null and void.  I’m being sincere, birthers.  Thanks for the solid.

You see, throughout my entire life I’ve been taught that facts mean something.  If you are confronted with a truth you don’t like, you only have a couple options.  You can pull yourself up by your bootstraps, keep your head down and move forward or you can quit.  See, I thought those were the only choices.  Little did I know there was a third option: completely disregarding the truth and crafting your own reality!  Holy shit, if only I knew about this in high school.

“Brandon, your test results are alarming.  You got 18 out of 20 questions incorrect.”
“No I didn’t.”
“Brandon, yes you did.”
“You know what, teacher, questions have been raised about the validity of this test.”
“By who?”
“By me and the kid who eats glue in the back of class.  We find this test highly suspect and therefore don’t accept your bad grade.”

Take a look, people.  We are actually having a conversation about Obama’s origin. When in the history of this country have we demanded to see a birth certificate?  I never saw John McCain’s but I believe he’s an American citizen.  The same goes for Bill Clinton and George W. Bush.  So what’s so different about Barack Obama that people demand to see his birth certificate?


The best thing about being a birther is that you can believe anything — ANYTHING AT ALL! – as long as it furthers your agenda.  Your evidence can be obviously fake but it will still be good enough for you.  While you demand hard-copy, tangible evidence to dispute you, you will accept any flimsy, half-assed piece of paper as truth.  Manipulation, it’s great!

Take the birther way of life and apply it to yourself.  When upset at grocery store prices or movie showtimes, when having an argument with your girlfriend or stuck in traffic.  There is literally no occasion that defying logic and fact doesn’t help you!  It can get you out of any bind.  If at first it doesn’t work, plug your eyes and scream “La la la la la” loudly, that also helps.
And so what if millions upon millions of people believe you’re mentally unsound.  You know what, screw those guys.  To be honest, they seem very “foreign” to me.  I’d like to see some certificates.