I used to answer each and every odd and fun question posed on the
message boards in the old days in these “Your Questions For” threads,
and the results were often a lot of fun. Basically folks could ask me
anything they want and I’d answer it honestly, jokingly, or with tons
of snark. Either way it was fun and it helped to illustrate the
personality of the site, the readers and their opinions, and answer
questions for new readers who don’t know what makes the site tick, who
I am, and why the fuck I am only five foot seven. So, I’ve resurrected
it! It’d be great to run one of these a week, but that’s up to you! use
the links at the bottom of the article to contribute.

Boots013 asks:

Howdy sir,

Some random queries:

1) A few years back, you advocated Dane Cook’s Retaliation CD. I had
never heard of the guy, and based on the good word around here, I went
and picked it up. Became a bit of a fan, even heading up to Boston to
see him live at the Garden. Since then, I’ve cooled on his antics. I
have nothing against the guy, and I still think he can be funny if
properly used. How/ why [if at all] has your take on the guy changed
since his rise to fame?

2) In a similar vein, I used to worship at the altar of Will Ferrell.
It was a saturday night ritual for me and my friends– get sauced at
the local watering hole, then head back to my place for some SNL on
TiVO. Ferrell carried that show during his tenure, and created some of
the best skits in ages. However, since about Anchorman, he has
gradually kicked me into submission by oversaturation with the same
schtick. I actually thought he stuck out like a sore thumb in the very
funny East Bound and Down. Almost like he was trying too hard, while
McBride made it seem effortless. I now find myself quite disinterested
in any of his projects. Your thoughts on the man and his talent?

3) I’ve been around on the site for a few years now, but I don’t recall
you doing many interviews. Did you used to in the early days? If so,
who was your favorite interviewee [why]? Who was your least favorite

4) Assuming you grew up as all good little geeks should, you had your
share of comic books. Sticking just with that medium [try not to be
influenced by any of the movie versions]– which character holds the
dearest place in your heart? Who is your current favorite?

5) Television. We’ve had the hospital genre, the criminal investigation
genre, the legal genre….what’s the next big untapped genre that will
bear fruit for years to come?

6) Just watched the new Trek. Loved it. Never had any experience with
the series before [except Wrath of Khan]. I have since watched the
first 6 films. I was interested in downloading some of TOS. Please list
5 episodes I should not miss [you can skip City on the Edge of Tomorrow
and Tribbles, I got them last night].

7) Settle a disagreement between some friends and I. Uma Thurman [2009]: attractive or not?

8) MEG is aiming for an R rating, correct? I would hope to see a
throwback of sorts; thrills, suspense, gore, laughs, and nudity.
Preferrably the young, nubile female type.

9) How did you and Devin meet? Do you guys talk [daily?] as friends, or more as businessmen?


Nick Answers:

1) Dane fucked up. I liked a good bit of what he was doing and though a lot of people already held him in contempt and there were signs of impending sellout, he’s an energetic and fun comedian [with Louis C.K.’s itchy asshole]. The more I paid attention to him, the more self-centered I noticed he was. For someone with such a rabid fan base who’s so in touch with his audience, everything is “Me”, “I”, “Me” with him. I remember going to his website and being blown away by how many times he sold his fans on every little piece of shit he was dishing out. I still think he has capability to be funny but his ego is out of control and the majority of his output leaves a lot to be desired. SuFi Acne Scars!

2) I love him, and Anchorman is his best work to date. I have no time for the stuff like Semi-Pro or Blades of Glory but usually have room for Mr. Ferrell in many of his endeavors. That said, he needs to definitely broaden his horizons from time to time and if they fail, not to pull a Jim Carrey.

3) I did quite a few of them in my day, having been doing the site since the late 90’s. That said, there are people better suited for it these days and I’m not really all that interested in finding really unique and filmic questions of celebrities. I’d much rather find out who their favorite team is, what video games they like, and which mid-80’s Kiss video is their favorite [All Hell’s Breaking Loose, duh]. Doesn’t make for as good content though. I enjoyed interviewing Heath Ledger a lot, but I think my favorite may have been Neil Labute/Paul Rudd. My least favorite interview was probably Johnny Knoxville (though that was before he did more stuff and he was so not interested in doing press), but the most disappointing one was definitely Morgan Freeman, a guy who treated internet writers like pesky flies.

4) I stopped reading several years ago but hold a special place in my heart for Savage Dragon.

5) The serious answer would be that we don’t need any more genres to overtake the tube, but rather be gifted a wide variety of interesting settings and charactierizations. The silly answer would be that we need a lot more shows about all of the circumsized foreskins returning from the dead as little zombie rings.

6) I’m the wrong guy to ask, honestly. My favorite episode is A Piece of the Action. I also like that one with the planet. And that one with the alien. A LOT.

7) I like her now more than when she came up but find her ugly/sexy more than flat-out blow your secret load hot.

8) MEG works as a PG-13 or R movie just fine.

9) We met through here and I consider us solid friends. We don’t talk much, but that’s because I tend to like folks to be self-motivated and left to their own devices if possible. We talk a couple of times a month typically.

Jesse the Mind asks:

You’ve hinted at a strong fondness for Ween – what would you consider
their best album (for me it’s a three-way tie between The Pod, Pure
Guava, and The Mollusk)?

Nick Answers:

The Mollusk, followed by White Pepper and La Cucaracha.

Sunwukong asks:

1. Will porn (or just a subset) ever become mainstream/accepted in the US? Acid test: plays uncensored after 8pm PST on basic cable.

2. In the NHL there are far too many franchises for the size of the talent pool — baseball is the same/better/worse?

3. Cinematographers with major directors on major films — do they get
enough credit, e.g., Lord of the Rings? What about 2nd/3rd/etc unit

4. With modern TVs, is there any good/valid reason left for Pan &
Scan? Or can the excuse still be made for PSPs and other handheld

5. Is there are more digusting legal habit than chaw?

6. What sort of disgusting (possibly legal) habit would be named CHUD?

Nick Answers:

1. Porn doesn’t want anything to change. Porn is in great shape and in no need of seeping any further into the mainstream than the occasional Joone film. That I know that fucker’s name makes me sad.

2. They’re just tapping the global market of baseball. Comb through a lineup for any team and notice how few boring old American names there are. It’s finally realizing that America may end up being one of the top ten, but not top ONE places to find the really special players.

3. Case by case. The cream of the crop typically rises and a nice handful of them eventually get their chance at the helm but it’s a pretty good place to be if you think about it. A nice paycheck, not nearly the same amount of pressure, and the ability to make friendships and connections with some real legendary folks.

4. There is no excuse for Pan and Scan.

5. Fat people who don’t realize it wearing clothes that defeat the eyes of the world.
6. Your grandfather’s remains coming down the hill attached to a bed of roller skates. In a sentence: “CHUD!”.

Jesse the Mind asks:

After slogging through the Prop 8 thread and hearing some
tongue-clucking about ads for it appearing on the site, it made me
wonder – is there any sort of screening process for what is advertised
on the site, or is a buck just a buck?

Nick Answers:

There may be, but not by me. I am already hamstrung by how much the business side of this business taps into my soul. They’re just ads. At least I don’t have Billy Mays screaming at you (though I probably will now that I mentioned it). The ads don’t have anything to do with the content of the site unless we do a little advetorial now and then.

Martin Savage asks:

How many slaps to the testicles can a man endure before he can start crying and not being called a wuss?

How many of these slaps if it’s Gary Busey being slapped? Coked-out Busey, of course.

And finally, what’s the deal with Melanie Griffith? Is she the future of mankind?

Nick Answers:


Eleven-Hundred and Sixteen.

She’s the past of mankind’s darkest hour. Those tits can’t hold a candle to that voice.

Bucho asks:

1.) Have you ever found yourself in a situation where your life flashed
before your eyes? If so, was it “your life” like a run of memories as
they show in the movies, or was it “your life” as in the many different
important people and things that made up your life at the time of the

2.) What three foreign countries would you most like to spend a year
living in if it meant you could still pursue your goals without your
location being a hindrance? (I’ll still love you if you don’t say NZ,
I’m not fishing for national big-ups here, I’m genuinely curious.)

3a.) What are the three best words or phrases in the English language that are synonyms for
cool and awesome (not including cool and awesome)?

3b.) What are the three worst (including cool and/or awesome if they so strike you that way)?

4.) Was there a singular experience that incubated your love of the
ocean or was it a gradual realisation of its (literal) awesomeness?

Nick Answers:

1.) Not yet, but I look forward to it.

2.) Excluding Canada, which would be high on the list… for non-work reasons (because there are a few places I hope to be for work at some point): New Zealand, England, and Italy. Unfortunately, I am a shitty tourist.

3a.) In my vernacular? Goddamn, Priest, and Goddamn.

3b.) Rad, Dope, and Trippin’.

4.) Before Jaws, I was fascinated by fish at the New York Aquarium and the sheer mass and unknown quality of the ocean. It never faded.

Jlove asks:

You´ve recently stated that your selling off you DVD collection and are
gonna keep just the essentials. Give us 5 of your essentials from the
following genres: comedy, horror, action adventure, sci fi, sports
movie and straight dramas.

2. If you could have one director take you under his wing, who would it be and why.

Nick Answers:

1.This is all off the top of my head and fairly generic. Comedy: A Fish Called Wanda, Super Troopers, Young Frankenstein, The Big Lebowski, and Trading Places. Horror: An American Werewolf in London, The Thing, Evil Dead 2, The Exorcist, and Re-Animator. Action/Adventure: Raiders of the Lost Ark, Lethal Weapon, The Treasure of the Sierre Madre, First Blood, and The Fellowship of the Ring. Sci-Fi: Blade Runner, Time After Time, 2001, Brazil, and Alien. Sports: Bull Durham, Eight Men Out, Rocky, Raging Bull, and though poker’s not a sport… Rounders. Drama: Wall Street, The Insider, Casablanca, All the President’s Men, and The Godfather.

2. Take me under their wing? Antonia Bird! Actually, it’d be the guy I’m most closely affiliated with. A Mexican lord of creation we all know and love

Devincf asks:

My trivia team has a different name each week. Last week it was
Mujahadeen Martin, this week it was Smack My Bishop. What are some good
team names I can use in the future?

Nick Answers:

Duran Cubed. The Caren Kaye Nightbreed. Matthew Fox’s Pendulum. The Lion, the Witch, and Warwick Davis. The Inner Blue Folds of Smurfette. Jonbenet Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmare. My Grandmother Smells Like Cubes. Cyborg Tears. Molly Ringwald’s Last Period. Kuato Applies for a Business License. The Flamboyant Thuggee. Jurassic Parkinson’s. Robin Gibb: Prince of Thieves.

Tati asks:

Will a long distance relationship ever work? What’s the key for success?

If you had to award the Best Picture Oscar RIGHT NOW, which film of the first half of the year would take it?

Nick Answers:

Long distance relationships are great if you have a really lengthy penis. I think they force people to appreciate one another. A lot of times, proximity breeds complacency and people overdose on each other and lose sight of their periphery. So I think people just need to realize that time is expansive and not to attach too much significance to RIGHT NOW and build the relationship in the manners which matter most, which is the non-physical stuff. Also, people need to not be overbearing too high maintenance. “I called at 7:05 and you didn’t answer!“. Also, you have to realize that love is overrated and easily substituted.

Best Picture of 2008 so far is… either State of Play or Up.

Judge Smails asks:

1, Nick, have you considered moving from the greater Atlanta area in
pursuit of your career? Has living in Atlanta hindered what you are
able to do or does the internet almost make up for not living in LA or
the like?

2. With nostalgia running so high what other 80s toy would make a great movie? Personally I would kill a drifter to see
Shogun Warriors vs. Godzilla.

Nick Answers:

1, I have stayed in Atlanta for my sanity. Not that my sanity has been exhausted I’m ready to move if need be. That said, I have some localized things in place that have a lot of potential. I have missed out on a lot of jobs and opportunities by living here and only regret half of them dearly. That said, I wouldn’t change a lot of things if I could. Except THAT. Oh and THAT.

2. I’m not much into nostalgia, but I have a 300 million dollar, CGI-laden idea for a great tentpole movie feature a toy from the 2000’s. Behold:


Fat Elvis asks:

1. Has a horror movie ever freaked/grossed you out to the point you had to turn it off?

2. As a kid, Alfred Hitchcock & The 3 Investigators or The Hardy Boys?

3. Any comedy–movie or otherwise–you’re ashamed of laughing at?

4. Guitar solo that gives you chills?

5. Is there a specific movie you and the Mrs. consider “your” movie?

6. “Conquest of the Empire”–the greatest of the Game Masters series?
(Ha. You’re the only person outside of my circle I’ve even heard
mention it!)

7. What, if any, aspect of southern culture has surprisingly grown on you?

8. What beloved, but overplayed, song still gives you that buzz when you hear it?

9. Favorite novel of the decade?

10. Favorite “Georgia” movie?

Nick Answers:

1. No, but way too many have been too derivative, poorly constructed, or useless and have ended in that result.

Hitchcock. And Choose Your Own Adventure.

3. Birth of a Nation.

4. I’m bored of Eruption, but for some reason I keep going back to Eddie Van Halen’s solo near the end of Feelin’ off the Balance album. It’s one that showcases the whole band and is built on a groove rather than showing off. Also, huge fan of Trey Anastasio, Mark Knopfler, and Eddie Roberts and all their little nuances as players.

5.Not really, though she watches Home for the Holidays once a year and I have no problem with that. We have very opposite tastes. Our first date [like many of you] was the amazing masterpiece of site and sounds that is White Sands.

6. Without a doubt, it’s the best game in the series.

7. Some of the food. The whisky. The way the sunlight catches a lone tooth and creates a meager glint.

8. Sultans of Swing.

9. Our Dumb World, by The Onion.

10. No.

88 Inches asks:

1. If you were to never work in film again… no script writing, no
optioning, no producing, etc… assuming you don’t win the lottery…
what would you toil away as? A funeral director? Baker? Candlestick
maker? Male hooker? What?

2. Emoticons. A single good reason for them?

3. What invention do you wish existed?

4. What invention do you wish never existed?

5. Worst thing you’ve ever eaten?

6. If you could resurrect one person from the dead, who would it be?

7. Five job titles you wish you saw on Craigslist.

8. What would make the best astronaut food?

9. How can you tell if an ant is rockin’ out?

Nick Answers:

1. I think I’ve showcased a fine ability to run a bar.

2. To show us intelligent people who are mortal enemies are.

3. Either the Instant Lollipop Device or an invention that allowed me to freeze time for me and speed most everyone ahead right to their death.

4. Heelys. Why isn’t Reality TV an invention? Fuck!

5. A pizza where they used ketchup in lieu of tomato sauce. Or Lee Harvey Oswald’s vagina.

6. Dad.

7. Resurgent Demigod. Part-Time Sky Dweller. Pope of Checkin’ Shit Out. Wintertime. Able-Handed Archetype.

8. Outer Space Arby’s.

9. I just can.

Forsaken No More asks:

1 – What kind of action movie will this be:

+ =

2 – You ever
Whistle While You Twurk?

3 – Strip clubs, you being in the A… Which one is NN approved ho-asis?

4 – An Italian joint called
Veni Vidi Vici, you ate there yet?

5 – Back in the day, when you was a young buck, did you ever think the Ford Pinto was the coolest?

Nick Answers:

1. An intense inaction flick where I use my cunning to convince Jackie Chan to disappear from the entertainment world, having already sullied his once-proud name.

2. Help me survive.

3. I suppose The Oasis and Pink Pony.

4. Love that joint. It’s a shame Pano’s & Paul’s closed though.

5. No way. I got carsick as fuck rolling around in the hatch of one of those abominations.

Nexus-7 asks:

1) What film would you consider to be the least worthy of the blockbuster status it achieved?

2) What potential blockbuster that fell flat on it’s face do you wish had made a mint?

3) What have you been listening to while you answer these questions?

Nick Answers:

1) The Passion of the Christ.

2) The Abyss.

My fish tank. It’s low on water, needs a spritz.

KidNtheHelmet asks:

In lieu of Archie choosing Veronica over Betty, who you got?

Nick Answers:

Fuck ‘em all! Those Archie assholes are assholes.

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