I used to answer each and every odd and fun question posed on the
message boards in the old days in these “Your Questions For” threads,
and the results were often a lot of fun. Basically folks could ask me
anything they want and I’d answer it honestly, jokingly, or with tons
of snark. Either way it was fun and it helped to illustrate the
personality of the site, the readers and their opinions, and answer
questions for new readers who don’t know what makes the site tick, who
I am, and why the fuck I am only five foot seven. So, I’ve resurrected
it! It’d be great to run one of these a week, but that’s up to you! use
the links at the bottom of the article to contribute.
1) I currently do 90% of my gaming on my iPhone simply due to convenience. I also am a big fan of handheld systems so I have the new Puzzle Quest (DS, decent) and MLB: The Show (PSP, great) handy as well as Hot Shots: Open Tee and the amazing DS Grand Theft game. On the 360 it’s still a lot of Halo 3 (the new maps suck) going on whenever there’s guests over and I find myself playing the Battlefield games (albeit poorly) a lot. My PS3 exists only to play MLB: The Show. I’m a little behind and bored quickly of the new Street Fighter game. When I get more discretionary income I’ll probably catch up and watch THOSE games gather dust. You know what’s dumb? Wii.
If you could get anyone to write for CHUD. Who would it be?
What’s your biggest regret in all the years of the site?
My biggest regret was in making decisions that have a lot more money going out the door than needs to be while less and less comes in. The business side of this world saps my soul like none other. Also, without a doubt I’d not have hired the two person tandem of horrible web design that fucked my ass so hard I wanted to not read Dracula and not write a good vampire story. I seemingly do things I regret all the time, whether it be bad staff choices, poor time management, or various other things that go “poof”. But live and learn. Until one day, where you die and never learn anything ever again.
Also, there’s no Heaven.
Matt Turner asks:
What was your home life like growing up? Do your parents/family read the website at all? Do they sometimes wonder about your sanity from some of the crazier shit you’ve put on the site? I wonder about this stuff because a lot of the humor on this site is right up my alley, but I think I would feel self concious about having any of my family (mostly grandparents, who are quite straight-laced) read some of my more off kilter joking.
I lived in a very modest house for the majority of my years at home, but it was a revolving door of friends and family and a true hangout. My room’s walls were covered with posters, drawings, fake blood, and random other shit and luckily I was allowed to pretty much live my life as I wished. It was pretty solid. My mother does read the site, and in fact now handles a decent portion of the behind-the-scenes workload. My father doesn’t read the site, for he is DEAD. He died in early 1999 when the site was still a little baby boy. As for my sense of humor and my family (and pretty much everyone else), it’s pretty much how I am all the time. Though I can tone it down for certain occasions I’m pretty much this asshole I am all the time with as few filters as possible. Because fuck people with no sense of humor and fuck the people who look to be offended even harder. They deserve to be shat into.
In your opinion:
What are the 3 best movies that no one talks about?
The 3 worst movies that everyone talks about (positively)?
This is the kind of question I suck at, because typically I think too much on it and end up dissatisfied with the results. There’s no right answers and there’s the impulse to dig deep into the memory banks and find titles befitting a person supposed to be somewhat of an authority. So fuck that. Instead, here’s a few offhand:
3 Best: 13 Days, A Midnight Clear, and Excalibur.
3 Worst: Gran Torino, Old School, Napoleon Dynamite.
1) Has anyone spent more time on-screen watching screens than Seth Green?
2)Can you speak question 1 aloud five times in ten seconds?
3) In your last Q&A, you inadvertently went on record saying that
9/11 is the best thing that ever happened to the Peruvian immigrant
community. What was the question that led you down this unfortunate
4) What are your, let’s say 3, favorite sitcoms?
1) Every film editor ever.
2) I think so, but I have a Seth Green threshold.
3) I don’t remember saying that, but 9/11 isn’t in the top ten of best things ever to happen. Unless you’re a politician looking to siphon sympathy dollars, and then it’s the best thing ever.
4) Taxi, The Simpsons, & Cheers.
Webcomics: an end in themselves or a stepping-stone towards other media? For you, and/or in general?
I don’t think anyone considers the web as the ultimate destination for anything not inherently web-related. There will be a second-best vibe to it for at least another decade.
Knife Chase asks:
It’s the year 2056. Nuclear holocaust, global warming, and the ape
uprising have brought humanity to the brink of extinction. Is Bobby Cox
still managing the Braves?
The beard. Does it give you powers? Can you kill with it?
Bobby Cox will be gone by 2012.
My beard is only as good as the man who wears it. Unfortunately, it’s me.
Did you at any point in your life give a shit about award shows? Whether it would be Oscars, emmys, etc.
Who has done more to piss away their goodwill? Robert De Niro? Steve Martin? Nicholas Cage?
I used to attach much more significance to them but the shows themselves are preposterous. The Oscar itself still has incredible value but the shows are a nightmare and an excuse for me to be a cock for three hours straight, which luckily doesn’t interfere with my existing 24 hour a day commitment to being a cock.
Cage, but only because he GUARANTEES a film will suck based on his involvement. I don’t forgive the other guys for their middling efforts, but it seems that Cage is unwilling to age gracefully and give up the “leading man” badge. He’s so fucking talented and somehow still able to get a film financed, but when even your biggest fans are making fun of your hair…
1. Why are the Phillies so awesome, while the Braves suck ass? Also,
why did your team only win one championship in the 90’s during its 10
year National League dynasty?
2. Okay, who deserves a comeback more…Michael Biehn or Eric Roberts?
3. I am going to Sarasota, Florida in a couple of weeks. Know any good locale joints?
1. At the time of this writing, the Braves have a .5 game lead on your shitwalkers. The Braves should have won in 1991 and 1996, I’ll give you that. That said, it was a decade and a half of amazing baseball and I have no regrets. Also, while our fans are corporate and lax… they aren’t Phillies fans and therefore infinitely better.
3. Columbia Restaurant is unmissable.
Zombie Fever asks:
Who is your favorite Joker?
What is your dream car?
Who is more awesome, Trent Reznor or Mike Patton?
Ledger, but I must admit that I hate the character. Also, I recently revisited the animated series and wanted to shoot Mark Hamill in the scarface after his histrionics pushed the limitations of my patience. Talk about a fanboy favorite show that has aged poorly.
I don’t really have astounding dreams in that order because a car is mostly just a receptacle and I don’t attach much significance to them. To cheat I’d pick the top of the line Airstream because I could pay someone else to drive while I did amazing shit in the back (slang). Otherwise, I really want an Infiniti FX. If I ever become a fuckillionaire I’ll probably buy something fast I can get slaughtered in, so that when I realize I’m crap I’ll drive it so fast it reverses the Earth’s polarity and end us all.
Well, since Mike Patton is awesome and Trent Reznor isn’t, there’s your answer.
Bobby Bear asks:
I love visiting the United States for, amongst other things, the
culinary opportunities. This preamble is, of course, referring to
various snacking goods. Do you have an equivalent holiday destination
I really don’t. Most of the foreign food I like I can get here and whenever I try to experiment it goes really awry (my visit to Chinatown in New York still sends chills down my bowels) and I don’t really care to discover any new nationalities of food or people, if possible. I can’t imagine being on my deathbed wondering if I should have tried the food in Nepal.
Felix Natayla asks:
When it comes to ranking mediocre Directors, how would you rank these three?
1) Brett Ratner
2) Paul W Anderson
3) Stephen Sommers
Sommers, Ratner, Anderson.
Ed Hocken asks:
Do you think Mark Romanek will ever make another movie or is One Hour Photo the only thing we’ll ever see out of the guy?
He’s shooting a movie with Keira Knightly and Charlotte Rampling now, which is the cure for boredom for sure!
The Lucas asks:
1. I know you sold your DVDs, but did you keep any?
2. How are you going to watch movies now? Netflix?
3. How into Jesus is your wife?
1. I have and will continue to. It’ll be a slow drip for a while though. I like the idea of my shelves clearing up for my inevitable collection of shrunken heads.
2. Nah, I’ll see them in theaters, grab them off iTunes, or buy the REALLY vital ones in whichever format makes sense at the time. UMD media, for instance.
3. Thankfully not enough for me to hold her in contempt.
Sarah Jessica Parker is ugly. Why does Hollywood spend millions each year trying to convince us otherwise?
I don’t think there’s a big “You want this vagina” campaign for SJP. I have to admit that I fell in love with her in LA Story so she gets somewhat of a pass, but I think it’s more a case where she’s a known commodity that a lot of women identify with and she’s been doing it for so long that she’s part of the infrastructure. That said, she looks like something a Ouija Board would conjure in many photos.
Ed Hocken asks:
Has Robert Redford completed his years long transformation into having the skin of a well-worn catcher’s mitt?
Just in case let me put a ball in him and wrap him in rubber bands and put him in the oven a while.
Are there new movie genres that are yet to be created?
Tell me the Falkland Wars joke that was in the 11 Colonels Attack script a few years ago.
Geometry-Fiction. Anal Religious. Bobcat Pheremone Action. Overweight Gay Horror. Sleep Porn. Experimental Sports. Swamp.
There wasn’t one. That’s just something Sweeney said during our interviews that stuck. Here’s a Falkland Islands joke:
Why does it exist?
Originally 11 colonels was going to be a really low budget, digital,
do-it-yourself type movie, what made you change your mind on that, and
do you still think about doing a movie in that fashion?
It still may be done that way but as I said before I need someone ELSE to wrangle the finances and help steer the beast into existence. I want to direct it (with the Sween Dog should he still be interested), but with my other committments and sad lack of access to dough, I will base the project’s existence on who “gets” it. I think there’s something special there, though.
Ken Savage asks:
1. There are lots gatherings for Atlanta folk, and I know you are keen
on the concept of CHUD as a community so would the idea of some sort of
yearly CHUD gathering be out of the question?
2. Was I the only person who Loved Ron? If not they please bring it back.
3. Since getting married at the end of last year I have found I have
less time to focus on geeky stuff. How do you find time to balance
family and nerd time?
1. We’ve done them in past but the community doesn’t seem as “together” as it once was. If there’s interest and we have enough muscle behind it I’ll fly wherever for it.
2. You were among a small group. I recently have been gathering the high-rez versions to publish. Sadly, Lewis Cox and I don’t really talk much anymore so I don’t see it coming back.
3. Lots and lots of chloroform.
Something I’ve always been interested to know:
1. Does CHUD allow you and your employees to live comfortably without requiring 2nd jobs?
2. Is there money in movie-related websites in general?
3. Do you feel the web is already saturated with these sorts of sites? Or is there always place for another one?
1. Devin only works for CHUD. Everyone else (including me) has to sustain their lives with supplemental income. That said, folks get paid to write on the internet. That’s a beautiful thing.
2. There is but it is a crap shoot and you really have to generate traffic or have a really good reputation. Seems these days that everyone thinks they can do it better, which is untrue.
3.If someone has a unique angle, then more power to them. Otherwise, why not enhance an existing site? For example, CHUD.
What’s the origin story of Eileen’s tenure at chud? More specifically,
did you meet her through the boards, or do you know her outside of the
She was a reader who was great and offered to help at one of my 9,000 cattle calls. She stuck, which is a rarity. She’s terrific. I do not know her outside of the site, but only because my travels never take me to Ohio. I hear she slightly likes Harrison Ford.
I know you’re a big Jack Reacher fan. Good taste.
1:Which book would work best as a movie? I’d go for the recent one,
‘Bad Luck and trouble’. Meeting Reacher’s old unit was cool, and
throwing a guy from a helicopter 3,000 ft above the desert is a hell of
a way to start a novel. Otherwise, The Killing Floor or Persuader.
2: As a big fan of the Shield, have you read ‘L.A. Rex’, by currently
serving cop Will Beale? It’s got a similat theme – police corruption,
and it’s brutal as hell.
1: I didn’t like that one, actually. Persuader is a great book, and the last act of One Shot is great (the house siege). Otherwise I’d take Killing Floor and make it seem a little less like First Blood and change the world.
2: I bought it and it fell under the thirty other great books I’m not reading yet. Great cover design!
Is there any personal history or significance to the desired baby name of “Rocco” or do you just dig it?
Humanoid is clearly picking your brain so he can set up shop as a competitor. How will you crush him?
It’s a unique name, and it’s not trendy. Everyone I’ve known or seen named Rocco has been successful and interesting. I just like it. It has flexibility too, in case the kid is embarrassed by how great it is. That said, it’s not etched in stone. Or rock.
I have no reason or energy to crush anyone on the web. I just wanna survive and keep this bitch being the massive ball of adorable it is.
Don S. asks:
1. There was a CHUD column you used to do where you would take news
items that you found online and deconstruct them or make fun of them.
There was also an amusing coda that you used to attach to each
installment of Leak Letters where you would post a spam e-mail you
received and give a hilarious response to. I enjoyed them both. Any
chance of either of these coming back?
2. What’s your daughter’s reaction to the news of a new Nunzspawn growing into existence (congratulations, by the way)?
3. You recently wrote an interesting article about the debate
surrounding Kevin Smith. If you could give him any advice about his
film making, his career path, or on anything in general, what would you
4. If you daughter wanted to write for CHUD when she got old enough to, would you let her?
1. The aformention ‘News Attack’ was from the long-form Steady Leak articles and I loved doing them. I can’t really justify doing them on their own because world news doesn’t fall under our very loose and unsupervised editorial model. I loved doing both, so maybe I’ll give them a shot. If people do as they typically do and like it and then not support it I’ll kick it into oblivion again.
2. She’s taking it better than me.
3. I think Smith needs a collaborator that “completes” him. He’s got a lot to offer but his limitations prohibit him from growing too much more (though his new cop movie may change that). Then again, he’s done very well for himself so who the fuck am I?
4. Sure. She’s already got a better vocabulary than many internet writers I can think of.
1. Are you excited for the upcoming Thing prequal/sequal?
2. Are you a fan of UFC or MMA fighting?
3. What is your favorite Lovecraft tale or Cthulu story?
1. Not really. I’ll see it, but without Rob Bottin it’s just another movie.
2. Not in the least.
3. Not any one. Lovecraft’s great but it’s his ideas and big thinking that won me over rather than specifics.
How does one make love like Steve Allen?
Quietly, immobile, and stinking of the rotted soil.
How does one make love to Steve Murphy?
I hear he likes it in the ass.
Ryan Bean asks:
How come Steve Murphy wants to make love to me?
Do you think your opinion on religion would be different if you did not
live close to southern mega-churches? I’m thinking like progressive
Seattle or something?
My opinion on religion is directly associated with the implied lunacy of it all. But that’s just my opinion and I’ll gladly burn in Hell if I’m wrong.
1) If you had 1 day left to live, what would you do?
2) What would you do if you caused the end of the world.
3) If you could pre-plan the world’s end, how would you end Terra Firma?
4) Who will most likely cause the destruction of the Earth?
5) What are your thoughts on Rooney Mara?
1) Have a great time and not think about tomorrow.
3) Something that only ended the people and man-made things. Other than us, it’s a pretty rockin’ place. Maybe a gigantic thermal douchebomb.
4) Some white dude.
5) She’s cute. How do you feel about Rooney, Mickey?
How the hell is Depeche Mode headlining Lollapalooza in 2009?
Blondes, brunettes, redheads?
So far people seem pretty enthused about Marvel’s whole Avengers/shared
universe plan. But I can’t shake the thought that it will allow them to
sink a multitude of their properties with one dud film. What are the
odds that ten years from now this will be looked on as the biggest
mistake in Hollywood history?
You have to get a tattoo tonight. What and where?
No idea. I thought we were in the 00’s.
They all have terrific holes, why be picky?
The odds are zero. No comic book property carries all that much weight in the grand scheme. Plus, if Jon Favreau is involved I have supreme confidence.
A ghost on an ottoman on the top of my hand. Why is my business.
Fat Elvis asks:
1. Poker purist, or is there any variation (like High Chicago) you enjoy?
2. Besides ROUNDERs, any Poker/gambling movie you like?
3. Is there any movie you regret not seeing on the big screen?
1. I only know Texas Hold-Em but only enjoy poker as a fun game to play. Don’t really have much loyalty to it aside from the fun it provides in our little unpretentious setting.
2. The Cincinnati Kid.
3. Aside from stuff pre-birth, not really. After all I saw Basket Case 3: The Progeny on the big screen.
What’s the first thing you are looking forward to teach your new boy?
What’s the first movie you’ll introduce him to?
How to not piss in my face while I change his diapers.
Either Wall-E, The Iron Giant, or Mississippi Burning.
Hunter Tarantino asks:
What’s your favorite Walter Hill movie? Your favorite rebel youth film from the 70’s/early 80’s?
Can we, as Chewers, please start a ruthless campaign in order to finally get Yor on DVD? I need some bat-bird hang gliding as clear as I can see it.
I work at Radio Shack, and I hate having to abide by bullshit I have to
ask customers. One of them is about service plans/extended warranties,
which I would never buy as a consumer. What do you say to the sad sack
who asks you?
I’m going to be totally uncool and say 48 Hrs. But, it’s the truth.
I think Yor on DVD is as strong a cause as any to participate in.
No. And buy better clothes…
So, going by Devin’s thread. What do you think YOUR value to the chud community is?
I’m sort of the retarded glue.
Is there any reall chance that your son might actually be given the moniker of Brawley Nunziata?
Devin’s Last Temptation of Christ article prompted me to ask this one:
You’ve mentioned on the podcast that Scorsese is your favorite
director, now I can’t remember if you picked a favorite feature, so I
ask you which is your favorite Scorsese film and why?
Actually, I think Michael Mann is tied with Scorsese as my favorite, and if I had to pick one it’d be Goodfellas. A perfect combination of his old school stuff and his ever-increasing polish and Thelma-assisted wizardry. But even his misfires are must-see. I am not a big Last Temptation fan, though.