I used to answer each and every odd and fun question posed on the message boards in the old days in these “Your Questions For” threads, and the results were often a lot of fun. Basically folks could ask me anything they want and I’d answer it honestly, jokingly, or with tons of snark. Either way it was fun and it helped to illustrate the personality of the site, the readers and their opinions, and answer questions for new readers who don’t know what makes the site tick, who I am, and why the fuck I am only five foot seven. So, I’ve resurrected it! It’d be great to run one of these a week, but that’s up to you! use the links at the bottom of the article to contribute.

Joel Page asks:

So, are you going to go see Fast and Furious in an hour?

Nick Answers:

I did. I went all by my lonesome and sat in a packed theater at 12:05 in the morning with a bunch of people younger than me. Most of them were also considerably more Asian than me. It was weird seeing a massive reaction to the Wolverine trailer and mostly tumbleweeds for Transformers. Granted, the new trailer just seems like a series of money shots [which is probably apt], and I don’t like it much either. The latest movie is better than Tokyo Drift, a little worse than the first, and nowhere near as good as the superior second one [the power of Cole Hauser!]. Which means it’s not very good. The crowd ate it up, but that’s because they are simpletons.


Tati asks:

The recent DIGG Vs. Server debacle made me wonder. How BIG Chud
actually is if it can’t handle some extra hits? On the food scale of
the internet movie sites, were would you guys rank?


Nick Answers:



I’d put our content and creativity and community against anyone’s, but we’ve never been a massive traffic juggernaut like some other sites. We’ve been around since the late 90’s, which helps. We’ve also got a lot of creators who read the site and though we’ve never been an “it” site we’ve always had our niche. In the music world I think we’re kind of like those long-lasting great indie acts that the cool people dig but never sell out arenas. That said, we’d love to sell out!


Troy N asks:

Nick, why are you sooo damned sexy?

Nick Answers:



Troy, I plan to remind you nightly in person in the tropics this year.


Anderson asks:

Are you going to bring back the fake obits?

Nick Answers:



I don’t know. Those were a lot of work. I was trying to make each and every one rewarding and it got harder and harder to do. Here’s the archive, for those who care.


Raspberry Leper asks:

Is there anything wrong (morally, specifically) with returning
something to the store and then buying it back as an open box item?


Nick Answers:



As a former retail manager [Babbage’s Software, bitches!], I’d have to say yes. I don’t like it when folks take advantage of services because inevitably it leads to more stringent polices and/or higher costs for us people who play by the rules.


SmellsLikeNostalgia asks:

Is it okay to only eat hummus?

Nick Answers:



Absolutely. Unless you treat it as a full meal, which it isn’t. I’m talking to you, You Know Who.


Anderson asks:

Star Chamber or Magnum Force?

Nick Answers:



The words Star and Chamber still leave a bad taste in my mouth,so Magnum Force.


Phil asks:

Something I’ve often wondered – who is the Uncle Mitch mentioned in many forum descriptions?

Nick Answers:



Uncle Mitch (pictured here) is an homage to an actual dude from my childhood. My good friend (then and now) at the time used to idolize his Uncle Mitch, this almost mythological person who was apparently a great source of fun and special times. I never met Brandon’s uncle but he’s name drop the guy all the time and I don’t know if you guys realized this, but Mitch is kind of a hilarious name. It’s so close to Bitch! Anyhow, when it came time to start fleshing the site out with little mascots and whatnot I figured I’d turn Uncle Mitch into a drunk bitch.


Nekkerbee asks:

1) Are we ever going to see any more Mary Worth?



2) Are we ever going to see debates between the CHUD luminaries? Sure,
there’s plenty of debates and arguments among us peasants, but the only
interaction we see among you and your Merry Men are the very rare round
table review and those are always collegial. I’d love to see Devin and
Russ take opposite sides on a movie/industry/site issue and actually
debate it.


Nick Answers:



1) Definitely.

2) I don’t think so. Maybe down the line when the site is revamped and the staff is a little more diverse. This site’s best debates happen on the boards. I’d rather the staff divide and conquer anyhow.


El Wack asks:

Am I a bad person because I watched the Wolverine work print online, or
did I watch the Wolverine work print because I’m a bad person?




Also, how many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?


Nick Answers:



It’s bad to have anything to do with film piracy unless you are murdering the people who do it. There is truly no excuse for it. I hope there’s a new cancer that only strikes these people.


Tati asks:

Do you and Devin but heads with the way the board and site are handled?
We all know Devin’s motto “Talk more about movies” and you seem to (no
offense) do everything but talk about movies. You got your music,
drawings, cigar shop meetings, baseball league, podcast, and so on. And
i’m not saying i don’t appreciate those things or enjoy them (specially
the podcast). But it does seem like a weird pairing. I’ve always joked
about how Devin the admin would ban Nick the user.


Nick Answers:



I think CHUD has gotten away from the ADD fun it used to be, which is pretty much the embodiment of how it was when I built it. I spent so much of my essence with the site for the better part of a decade and wore me out. Pair that with the horribly excruciating reality of the film business and I need to diversify to maintain sanity. Devin and I disagree a lot but we both want CHUD to be better. Ideally we can both win, though the site often limits what we’re actually able to do because of finances, time, and having to cover the day to day. At the end of the day they’re my rules and they don’t have to make sense to anyone else, but I think Nick the MB user is a pretty balanced fellow. Also, I think we’re due a Babe Draft.


Feral Akodon asks:

Could you bring the rep system for one month? Just for fun.

Nick Answers:



No.


James Woods’ Career asks:

What happened to The Prognosticator?



I used to call you Nick Nutsackia when I was like fifteen. Will you forgive me?


Nick Answers:



The Prognosticator is 100% Devin’s baby. I was never a part of that feature. I like how some features are exclusive property of folks. If you hound him, maybe he’ll bring it back. In fact, Dave Oliver is a major asset for a column like that. I think he’s one of the site’s most underappreciated contributors. Maybe a Prognosticator resurrection would aid in bringing him to the fore. Call me any name you want, provided you keep coming to the site and letting the ads load.


Iwaskabukiman asks:

Are you going to find Digg and beat them up? If you’re not, I will.

Nick Answers:



She’s all yours.


Nexus-7 asks:

1) When you are clean-shaven, does your 5 o’clock shadow kick in mere seconds later, like Wolverine and Homer Simpson?



2) Why am I always tempted to buy
DOOM from the 5 dollar DVD bin despite the fact I fucking loathed the movie?

Nick Answers:



1) Yep, and my clean shaven face literally scares me and those close to me, as if there’s a wraith in the house. The only way I’ll ever be clean shaven again for any stretch of time is if I get picked up by the Yankees.

2) Because you’re a Karl Urban completist.


Trejo asks:

Do you ever resent the fact that, while Josh Brolin has become a
highly-acclaimed movie star, his beard has been struggling to make ends
meet and was abandoned to obsess over an Into the Blue sequel script
where bearded skeletal-Brolin returns for revenge?


Nick Answers:



I resent nothing about my beloved Brolin becoming a massive success. Last time I was in Los Angeles Runoff creator Tom Manning and I were on the Warner’s Lot and we saw Josh having a coffee meeting with someone. I was tempted to go over there and talk to him but somehow I fear he’s gotten too serious for his true fans like me who worship him in Nightwatch and Into the Blue as much as No Country For Old Men.


Forsaken No More asks:

1) Why does Keanu get to be in movies? You his agent?

2) Is it true that you will lend your last name to Joel Silver to create a new ninja movie? Nunziata Knuck-Knuck: A Tale of Deadly Swagger

3) You being in Hot-lanta, are you going to ignite the new revolution with The Dirty Bird?

4) When will the infamous Dolph Lundgren interview be released?

5) Straight-talk: Why isn’t Jackie Chan using the English (American) version of the Rosetta Stone like he suppose to?

6) Nick, what the fuck is up with Chuck Norris?

7) Can you Make Em Say Uhh? Ungggggghh, na-nah na-nah…

8) How good are you at poker?

9) RED-ALERT: Uwe Boll has challenged your manhood in a death-match of epic proportions. Will you accept and become the savior of mankind for the 100th time? *Godspeed.

10) If Marc Forester hops, claps and counts to one, two… will Nick Nunziata buckle his shoes?

Nick Answers:



1) Because he’s a very shrewd decisionmaker and a lot more gifted than people give him credit for.

2) Us bearded men have an oath.

3) Since I can’t stand the Falcons… no.

4) Never. I am sure I erased the dick outta of that boring pile.

5) If I never heard or saw Jackie Chan again it’d be fine by me.

6) He’s boring and useless and overblown by pop culture bullshit and he looks like Dr Troy and Dr. McNamara had their way with him.

7) Even if I could I wouldn’t, for with great power…

8) I’m actually getting pretty damn good. That said, the more enthused I am about playing the quicker I get the boot.

9) Nothing involving Uwe Boll will ever have any significance on this or any other Earth. I congratulate him on his ability to bend tax laws like Jack Lalane.

10) I don’t take orders from the BALD.


Fat Dragon asks:

I want to know the details of the healing, will there be a script or article entitled My Dinner with Don Murphy ?

Nick Answers:



Don and I had a nice cup of coffee and got along famously. I consider him a friend in that weird way website folks are “friends” with filmmakers.


Matalo asks:

Would you rather be 2’8″ or 8’2″? Explain your answer.



If you could take off one year of the end of your life for one million
dollars each, how many years of your life would you take off?


Nick Answers:



8’2, and for the worst reason ever. If I had long arms I could throw 90+ miles and hour and have a chance of playing pro ball. Well, when my shoulder wasn’t fucked up.

I would be happy to banish three years of life for the money. I could pretty much guarantee that it’d multiply handsomely and I’d rather live well for a shorter time than struggle for a long one.


Neaux asks:

Is Quizno’s new Torpedo sub something you want to “put in ya?”

Nick Answers:



I’ve eaten Quizno’s once, MAYBE. Quizno sounds like a mine shaft goblin I don’t need to know.


Mattioli asks:

Two-Part Question:

(a) Why isn’t there a Chipotle within 40 miles of my house?


(b) How could a merciful God allow this to happen?


Nick Answers:



(a) Because you live in Midian.

(b) Your first mistake was believing in a merciful God.


Judas Booth asks:

What’s the best brand of single malt scotch to enjoy with a cigar?

Nick Answers:



I like McClelland’s and Dalmore and Johnny Walker Blue, but I’m not really as much a fan of scotch as I am whisky, bourbon, and various other little after dinner delicacies.


Boots013 asks:

Will you be my friend?

Nick Answers:



Sure. Just so long as you don’t send me Facebook IM’s often. I can barely keep track of Trillian and I’ll go a half day before realizing some folks have been texting me on Facebook all day.


Martin Savage asks:

Who would win a fight, and how?



Ray Liotta in Narc, or William Petersen in To Live and Die in LA?


Nick Answers:



These are not survivors. This is a trick question.


Chris Olson asks:

Do you hate me because I post a lot of links on Facebook?

Nick Answers:



No. I find that I get as much response from CHUD articles I link to on Facebook as I do on CHUD’s own boards. Which is dumb. So, do what works.


Darkmite 8 asks:

Why isn’t there a “Submit a Scoop” button at the top of boards (yeah I
know there’s one on the top of the articles) like there used to be back
in the day?




MEG? Any news?




Will Alten ever write a follow-up to THE LOCH? Any plans for an adaptation?


Nick Answers:



Good question. I’ll fix that with the redesign.

We have been talking to a few folks about MEG, some diverse and interesting possibilities. We have a fantastic new script from Steve Alten (no more Shane Salerno), and I think the new MEG book should help us with awareness. I don’t know. I think we’ll eventually get a movie done but in retrospect it seems like some bullets were dodged in the past.

I am sure Steve will revisit Scotland at some point but he’s currently working on Grim Reaper (with me!), which is his next book. After that he’s doing the last Domain book, because that series has become HUGE in South America. After that, who knows? We have two AMAZING scripts cooking that I hope might eat up some of that free time.

They are trying to get The Loch made. I’m not involved with that.


RCA asks:

What is the best movie about drugs, and what is the best movie to watch while on drugs?

Nick Answers:



Trainspotting. I’ve never done drugs, nor will I so I’m the wrong person to ask. I know, it makes me terribly uncool. I can live with that, because uncool is better than mentally compromised.


Robert K. asks:

What would you do if you were stranded on a tiny island with a scimitar, a bottle of acid, a raft and Larry the Cable Guy?

Nick Answers:



I’d live on the island and enjoy the peace and quiet. I’d fish every day using redneck bait I carved with the scimitar. The acid would be a thing to use in case of an emergency. Like if Ellen Pompeo showed up and I wanted to make her more attractive.


Boots 013 asks:

If you were producing the Bearded One: The Nick Nunziata Saga



-who plays you [assuming you cannot play yourself, or course you may
play WITH yourself I guess, but that’s between you and the Lord]?




-what would your theme song be?




-who would play the love interest?




-would there be any car chases?




-what would it be rated?


A few more…



– Do hot girls really poop?


– Van Damme vs Seagal [both in current shape]. Who wins?


– What is the best video game of All-Time?


– What
would Jesus do?

Nick Answers:



- I’d have someone who evokes my essence play me in the film. In this case, the sludge from Creepshow 2.

- Love Theme from Helllraiser 2: Hellbound.

- Didi Conn.

- No.

- G, with explicit nudity, profanity, and ultraviolence. Because kids need to know.

- Hot girls poop bigger and wetter than regular girls.

- Van Damme.

- X-Com: UFO Defense.

- Go on being invisible and manhandled for the purposes of men.



Anderson asks:

What the fuck was Ron?

Nick Answers:



RON [work your way backwards from here] was a comic strip by myself and old friend Lewis Cox III that we used to alternate panels on but rebooted from CHUD with him doing the art for. It was random. It was weird. It had all sorts of bizarre characters. And I loved it dearly. It was not beloved here, which was a mistake on my part for I assumed the readers would eat it up. I’ll probably start rerunning them on Facebook or something because I still get a chuckle from them.


Dan Baker asks:

If you and Devin trained monkeys to knife fight each other, which one would win?

Nick Answers:



Who gives a fuck. Monkeys are dumb.


Jake asks:

Approximately how many death threats did you receive thanks to the “Fuck This Face” series?

Nick Answers:



Zero.


Bryan O’Donnell asks:

will you trade me felix hernandez for mark teixeira and a pitcher?

Nick Answers:



Depends on the pitcher. I’m not a huge fan of Tex’s fantasy value, so it’d have to be someone decent.


Zombie Fever asks:

Why isn’t there any review quotes from CHUD on DVD covers?

Nick Answers:



Devin was on Behind the Mask. I think we had a Smilin’ Jack quote on something. I recently got offered a blurb on the back of Watching the Detectives, but I watched the movie and didn’t like it [proving I am not a shill or a Broken Lizard apologist], so I told them I couldn’t give them a quote in good faith.


Admiral Shark asks:

Who would win in a fight: Willem Dafoe from Shadow of the Vampire or Brad Pitt from Interview with a Vampire?

Nick Answers:



Robert Pattinson is so dreamy.


ForsakenNoMore asks:

1) What IS up dog?



2) Like 2pac, what does it sound like when the double NN rides on his enemies?




3) Where art thou Romeo?




4) Sly’s Expendables: Are you the hidden Expendable?
*You’d had better do us Chewers proud, Nick Nunziata as Double Glock John Woo Style.

Nick Answers:



1) Dog innards.

2) Sweet Freedom, by Michael McDonald.

3) Bleeding.

4) AICN is Stallone’s lovesite, sadly not this site. Even though I guarantee we’ve had a longer and mor egenuine love for the man and his work.



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