Anne Ramsey was not officially a plant, so she is excused from this list. The same goes for Maude Adams, Jack Elam, and that thing on Aaron Neville.
Also, fuck The Happening. And here we go!
16. Goblin Chow
Exterior: A gooey green mess that sinks into the floor.
Interior: Meaty flavor.
The Film: Troll 2 (1990)
Leafy Truths: Goblin Chow is people! IT’S PEOPLE!
Yes, the Goblins in this film (Trolls? What trolls?) prey on any unwary tourists to their hometown of Nilbog. Those who come to their quaint and not oddly named little village are treated very nicely and given lots of tasty green foods to chow down on. It turns out that these Goblins are unlike any other in the world, because these are actually vegetarians.
So what’s a vegetarian goblin’s favorite food? People turned into plants. Oddly enough, this is the part of the film that makes the most sense.
Holy crap! I’m delicious and low-carb!
Root of Evil: The Goblins can take the form of humans at will, so they lure people in with promises of love and country hospitality. They feed them weird green foods that start the transformation process. The victim first starts sweating green (“The color of Goblins! The color of sap!”) before melting into a nutritious green paste. It takes about 20 minutes, and serves 6-8 as a side dish.
Gardening Tips: While Goblin Chow doesn’t really keep, it doesn’t matter because Goblins have horrible table manners and eat it with the quickness. However, if you want to keep a tasty human treat for later, simply serve one of them a smokey paralyzing beverage and plant it in a pot.
Its Place in Plantdom: It exists solely to provide goblin sustenance.
Happy Ending: The Goblins are killed by double decker baloney sandwiches. It could make sense if you think about it hard enough, but that’s not recommended.
- Alex Riviello
15. The Vegetable Gremlin
Exterior: Lettuce, peppers, carrots, olives, tomatoes, sharp teeth, onion breath.
Interior: A misunderstood nutritionist.
The Film: Gremlins 2 (1990)
Leafy Truths: The first Gremlin to undergo mutation twice! Halitosis keeps him from gaining any real friends no matter how hard he tries, so he hangs out a lot at the salad bar and mopes. Known on occasion to let the beet drop.
Root of Evil: Here’s a hint- when you break into a genetics lab run by Christopher Lee, it’s best not to drink down any vials you come across. A quick shot of Vegetable Medley and a few belches later and the misguided creature starts sprouting.
Gardening Tips: It’s an indoor plant (keep it out of the sun!) that doesn’t require water. Never give it compost after midnight.
Its Place in Plantdom: The first and last of his kind, and quite honestly the lamest mutated Gremlin. Others get the ability to talk, smash Batman symbols in walls, fit into a dress- hell, one even transforms into a gigantic spider while Slayer blasts. What does ol’ VG get? Turned into a big ol’ fruit.
Happy Ending: The Electric Gremlin Holocaust of 1990 effectively made the new species extinct, and the world without a steady olive source for their martinis.