is in the air. The birds are chirping. The flowers are blooming. Pollen
is drifting through the wind, taking hold and situating itself to help
bring about new and exciting leafy living things to make our lives
enriched. As a result, welcome to our latest CHUD List, a look at the
20 best plants in film history. A few things to consider:
Ramsey was not officially a plant, so she is excused from this list.
The same goes for Maude Adams, Jack Elam, and that thing on Aaron
Also, fuck The Happening. And here we go!
18. The Tree Of Life
Exterior: Legendary tree travels around in a 25th century spaceship.
Interior: Life-giving sap.
The Film: The Fountain (2006)
Leafy Truths: The film spans three different time periods, and to a certain degree the tree is present in all of them – be it as a fully fledged Holy entity or as a piece of Guatemalan bark. The Bible states (as well as other sources) that if one were to drink the milky sap that flows from it then they would be granted eternal life. In the film that’s true, but first you would have to endure the internal rupturing of your mortal organs, as foliage bursts forth from every opening it can find. The fun part is when the internal plants decide to make their own openings, and come roaring out of the stomach region!
Root of Evil: God made it a few years back. Not particularly evil, unless you’re a wandering Hugh Jackman.
Gardening Tips: Being a device made by the Lord himself, there’s no upkeep needed, as long as you tattoo yourself nearby. It’s bark doesn’t flake or fall off like normal trees (see The Guardian, for an example of a normal tree), but you can certainly pry a piece off in order to sip from the froth that seeps.
The Bible refers to this as “a Fountain drink”.
Its Place in Plantdom: Easily the oldest entry on this list, the ol’ wooden heap has been around since time began, since before even mankind itself. So to say it’s held up well is a bit of an understatement. It currently resides in the plush eastern portion of Eden which, admittedly, can be difficult to find. And even if you were to discover it you’d have to get past the invisible angels wielding flaming swords if you wanted to get a taste of its fruit.
So until the angels are taken out it looks like the ToL (as it’s known in horticulture circles) is secure enough.
Happy Ending: Hugh will NOT stop eating it, so the tree gradually gets fed up and finally decides to hurl the ship into the waiting arms of the Xibalba nebula, but instead of killing him his body is instead exploded and used as ethereal fertilizer to regenerate the dead tree.
- Steve Murphy
17. Havin’ a Vine Time
Exterior: Ropey little evil talkative vines.
Interior: An intense hatred of young American tourists.
The Film: The Ruins (2008)
Leafy Truths: These things are particularly nasty, especially since they reside atop an ancient Mayan temple. They have the ability to mimic sounds (in some cases voices), which they use to lure potential lunch into their ripping clutches. Also have the knack of getting under your skin and hating from within.
Root of Evil: Unknown, but probably the result of some ancient ritual gone bad, which may explain how Jena Malone became the headliner.
Gardening Tips: The film says that salt can keep these groping bastards at bay, but I suspect fire, ice and dynamite would also do the trick. Of course, if those were used it would likely destroy the temple, and the last thing you would want on your hands after doing battle with murderous vines is to have the spirits of ancient Mayan sorcerers coming after you.
Another satisfied Tree-Mobile user.
Its Place in Plantdom: These things have nothing to worry about, they’re already classic villains. They can crawl up under the skin and rip apart, they explode through eyeballs, and they rip victims in two! What’s not to like? Their motives are purely survival related, as all they want to do is eat. People. While some may discount the movie for whatever reason, the creatures are violent and great and deserve their place on the list.
“Why are you looking at me as if a horse is mimicking my every gesture?”
Happy Ending: The vines win. As Jena Malone tries to drive away from the carnage, she feels the vines crawling under the skin of her face, about to rupture her eyes.