It has come to my attention that Lorena Bobbitt, infamous ’90s dick dicer, is on today’s Oprah.  I get that this is a “Where Are They Now?” segment, but would we revel in superficial pop nostalgia over a wacky rape? Would a man famous for beating his wife
during a fit of mental illness get a guest spot on the #1 talk show in
the country? I missed that episode Oprah did about Chris Brown and
Rihanna, how did that go? She was chillin’ with Chris, laughin’ about
how sometimes bitches need sense knocked into ‘em, right?  Oh no wait,
that’s fucked up.

Look, I’m not suggesting Lorena Bobbitt is unrepentant or a bad
person or anything (the opposite is true, actually), or that Oprah
condones cock chopping (she might though. Hard to say).  All I’m saying
is, I don’t see Oprah chit-chatting with Roman Polanski, do you?  Dude
had just as fucked up a life as Lorena Bobbitt, also made a mistake in
the category of ’sexual assault,’ but he can’t set foot in the US or
he’ll get arrested. Lorena Bobbitt is doing guest-spots on Oprah.  Sexism! Or something.  Let’s do a quick “Where Are They Now” comparison right here, with an assist by Wikipedia:

Roman Polanski: Internationally-recognized cinema
auteur, he survived the Holocaust in Poland, his pregnant wife was
murdered by the Manson family in 1969, and then in 1977 Polanski pulled
some “casting couch” sleaze on a 13-year old model. For thirty years,
Polanski has lived and worked in Europe to avoid jail for underage sex
with a minor. His victim, Samantha Geimer, now in her 40s, has
requested the charges against him be dropped so he can legally return
to the US and she can stop being asked, “Hey, aren’t you the girl who
got molested by Roman Polanski?”

Lorena Bobbitt: A victim of domestic abuse and
marital rape who went nuts. More specifically, went just above the
nuts. John Bobbitt’s nuts.  Now she’s a hairdresser working toward her
BA, and founder of an anti-domestic violence program that promotes
family activities.  She has a fiance and young daughter and cares for
her mother, who lives with them.  John Bobbitt was an abusive douche,
and continued to be an abusive douche even after it resulted in his
dick being cut off, racking up multiple arrests over the years. He also
starred in two porn films, John Bobbitt: Uncut and — I cannot stress this enough — Frankenpenis.

Okay fine, so upon closer inspection, Lorena Bobbitt’s a really
positive example as far as “Where Are They Now” segments, and John
Bobbitt was stocking up on “dick-related violence” karma anyway, and
none of it has anything to do with Roman Polanski, even if he did take
a switchblade to Jack Nicholson’s face in that scene in Chinatown in
one of the best director cameos ever. But I refuse to admit this post
is pointless.  For one thing, turns out Oprah is good at her job.  Who

In the end though, the real lesson is: don’t be a dick. Don’t take a
knife to a dick. And don’t take a dick to a 13-year old. Engage in any
of these, and you too will be forever haunted by the misdeeds of your
frankenpenis.  Life lessons.