One of the more terrifying aspects of joblessness is late
night television. These days cable stations have realized there’s enough sad
people up in the middle of the night watching crap, so the actual quality of
the programming is miles better than it used to be, but the ads remain
atrocious. I mean, all ads are pretty atrocious, but the shit they sell after
midnight is just vile. It’s mostly aimed at jobless people (for a small fee you
can make a bagillion dollars working from home!), special beds (this bed is way
better than that bed you heard about last commercial break), or lonely dudes
who think their penises are too small (girls totally care, and totally won’t
talk to you, and you’ll die alone and flaccid). The small penis ads are
especially detrimental to society, but I have a grudging respect for the
assholes that put almost zero investment into the chalky blue placebos that
they sell for likely millions by pandering to the male psyche’s lowest common denominator.
(Do people actually think that a pill can grow a single part of anatomy?


And I’m not one to judge the virtual ocean of physical
fitness machines available by phone, though most of them appear entirely unnecessary
to me. Some stuff, like treadmills, weight sets, and stair climbers make sense,
even if I’m pretty sure 90% of the people that buy them will used them three
times, but most of the time I’m thinking a simple set of old fashion sit-ups
would do the same job a whole lot cheaper. Usually I’m content to keep these
thoughts to myself, but there’s a new ad that’s simply too stupid for me to
ignore. I’m speaking of the ‘Cardio Jump’, a make-believe jump rope for people
that are either too uncoordinated or fat to jump a real rope. It’s two sticks
with counter weights to exact the feel of a swinging rope. The Cardio Jumper
then proceeds to jump up and down like a horse’s ass as if they were jumping
over an invisible rope. I know it’s over-used, but this really is why the
terrorists hate us.


Learn more about this thing on its official website.