Previously on Blog Wars:
Jesus has stopped. He is no longer moving towards the machine, in a giant sterilized room. He is somewhere else. He feels a familiar clarity, that of being everywhere, and everything. He sees all sides of all things, feeling all time that they will and have inhabited. He feels the consciousnesses of six billion other beings, and for a brief moment…. All is one.
As that moment ends, so does the universe….
But as that moment ends, choice presents itself in the form of a large, colorful, swirling vortex. Should Jesus surrender to fate and join the six billion beings his father created to varying degrees of success into eternal nothingness? Should he jump into the unknown in hopes of saving himself before it’s too late?
Jesus, not only being the son of God but also the son of a mortal, inherited all those qualities that make a human. And as it turns out, self preservation is the strongest of them all.
With a loud thud, Jesus lands hard on a dirt road in the middle of a desert. As the interdimesional vortex dissolves above him, Jesus stands up with his eyes fixed on his blood stained hands.
He tries to wipe of his hands on his dusty white shirt as he takes a quick look at his surroundings. “Looks just like my father’s land”, he observes.
After endless hours of walking under the harsh sun, the wind blowing over the sand and violently shaking the dry vegetation, the sound of rattlesnakes, insects and vultures come together in a hypnotic rhythm as loneliness and dehydration set in.
Jesus falls to his knees and shuts his eyes. Drops of sweat roll down his face. His cracked lips tremble uncontrollably.
As he opens his eyes, the sand transforms into beautiful white clouds and the sky turns orange. And for the first time in a while, Jesus smiles.
Three beautiful white winged unicorns run past him. With all the strength he can muster, Jesus runs after them.
He stops in the middle of a road, trying to catch his breath. A silver chariot led by two enormous pink haired horses move directly towards him.
With a sad smile and even sadder eyes, he extends his arms towards the chariot and says “Father” as Jesus and chariot collide.
Jesus slowly opens his eyes. As his vision regains focus, he finds himself inside what looks like a small backstage dressing area, with colorful boas hanging on chairs, sequence dresses on a small table and ridiculous high hills on the floor. Loud disco music blares outside the dressing room, making the walls vibrate slightly.
Jesus begins to faint as the three most stunning trannies ever to face any universe enter the dressing room. One of them introduces herself as Serena, the owner of the lounge. The other two, twins Candy and Mandy, with unnaturally pink hair, kindly smile at Jesus.
“What’s your name, kiddo?”, asks Serena. “Jes…Jim. I’m Jim. What happened?”. “We kinda run you over.” says Candy. “What where you doing in the middle of the road?”, asks Mandy.
Serena shakes her head. “Now ladies,” she says, “there’s enough time for that. What Jim needs is a bath and some sleep”.
Serena hands Jesus a clean towel, soap and a razor. He asks if he can borrow a pair of scissors.
Inside the bathroom, Jesus stares at his reflection in the mirror. He washes the blood from his hands and begins to cut his hair lock by lock.
Once he’s done, he looks like a completely different man.
So Jesus, now Jim, begins to work at the lounge as a janitor, making the storage room his home. And every time he cleans the restroom, he wonders why his father, in all his almighty powerful holiness, didn’t make everyone level OPP III – AT 800XL so he wouldn’t have to clean up that much shit.
Despite the very unglamorous nature of his new job, Jim settles down quite nicely. He becomes best friends with Lolita, the feminine bar tender – backup dancer by night, very masculine reserve marine insurance salesman by day.
His new fabulous tranny friends introduce him to their numerous straight female friends and Jim embarks on a two months daily sex romp. By the end of this eventful period, Jim gets utterly bored and decides it’s time to quit the humping and learn about this universe.
Every day before work, Jim walks to the public library to read old newspapers and history books. Aside from Corey Feldman and Corey Haim being the most respected, highest paid actors in
However, one day he discovers something unsettling through his research: In this world, Jesus hadn’t walked the earth since his crucifixion. But in 1981, the actual tomb of Jesus was discovered, and it had enough tissue samples to create a fully functional clone. Fifteen years later, this clone had come to being by the hands of a handful of Nobel Price winning scientist, pumped up with growth hormones and raised to the age of
After finding this information, Jim comes to a horrible conclusion: two different versions of the same powerful being inhabiting one universe would create a paradox of devastating proportions that would bring the destruction of the universe, a paradox with a single solution: death.
Since then, Jim hopes to never encounter the Jesus Clone.
Jim takes Lolita’s job as the lounge’s bartender after she gets called back by the marines. Taking his new job very seriously, he buys a pump shotgun in a back alley and stashes it under the bar. After all, he’s got to take are of his girls.
He tells Serena, Candy and Mandy he can make the best homemade wine and would like to sell it at the bar. After a successful tasting accompanied by assorted tiny cubes of cheese, the girls approve of his plan, and Jim spends all his mornings transforming tons of water into wine. After a few months, his homemade wine becomes so popular that they begin to pack it in bottles and sell it at a relatively high price.
On a quiet night, as Jim cleans a bar stool with Lysol Multipurpose Cleaning Solution, Jodie Foster, wearing the skimpiest of skimpy dresses, stumbles into the bar, high as a kite.
She makes her way to Jim, doing her sexiest walk – and failing miserably- and says “I’ve done you before, haven’t I?”. “Don’t you mean I’ve met you before?”, Jim responds. “No, but that’ll do. My friends are coming soon, so give us some wine!”, she says.
Jim helps Jodie Foster sit on a bar stool. He pours wine in a glass cup. She takes the cup from his hand and drinks the whole thing right away.
As Jim slowly takes the wine bottle away from Jodie, some costumers enter the bar. Jodie turns around and with a big smile she yells “Honeys!” Jim looks at the costumers and realizes they are none other than John Wayne Gacy, Lance Armstrong and the Jesus Clone, with what looks like a recently shaved head, wearing a leather jacket.
Jim’s and the Jesus Clone’s eyes meet. “How is it possible for one being to witness the end of the universe twice in a lifetime?”, Jim ponders.
And once again, self preservation kicks in. Jim grabs the shotgun, pumps it, points it at the Jesus Clone and yells “Not again!”.
As the bullet exits the shotgun barrel…
To Be Continued.