Blog Wars Part 2

For those of you that missed it, Anderson's started the Blog Wars. Here's the explaination.

From My Blog Skip: John Wayne Gacy, Jesus Christ and Lance Armstrong are in a bar. The bartender approaches them and asks what they'll have. Jesus says that he'll take a....

...glass of plain water. He wants to turn it into wine, save himself a few bucks, but he 's not going to tell the bartender that.

"Are you the designated driver then?"
"Sure" answers Christ.

The bartender turns his focus to Gacy, who's dressed head to toe like a clown, covered in mysterious stains, and carrying a dark green satchel over his shoulder. Before the bartender can inquire about Gacy's apparel his focus shifts to Armstrong. Armstrong smiles, and offers his hand for a shake.

"Hi, I'm Lance Armstrong, perhaps you've heard of me, I won the..."

The bartender interrupts him, pointing at the Livestrong bracelet around the biker's arm.

"We don't allow those in here, you're gonna have to take it off."

Armstrong and Christ look shocked. Avoiding trouble, Gacy grabs a bowl of peanuts off the bar and retires with his satchel to a booth alone. Armstrong pulls back his arm and looks at the bracelet.

"This bracelet is a representation of my bravery and tenacity when I beat cancer. It represents -"
"We don't allow them in our bar. Either take it off, or leave."

Armstrong looks back at Christ, who shrugs, and motions for him to remove the bracelet.

"I...I can't remove it...It's...it's the only way I've survived all these years..."
"Then I'm afraid you'll have to leave." says the bartender coldly, as he reaches beneath the bar for his pump action shot gun. Three large biker types to Armstrong's right get off their stools and move back from the bar.

"You don't understand, it's part of me..."
"Oh for father's sake, Armstrong, just take the fucker off already" shouts Christ as he reaches towards the bracelet to remove it himself.

Armstrong tries to move his away from Jesus' clawed fingers, but reacts too slowly. Christ manages a good grip, and quickly tears the bracelet forward over Armstrong's hand. Unfortunately, Armstrong isn't lying about the bracelet being a part of him, and with it all the skin from his wrist and hand is cleanly torn. The sound ripping flesh brings Gacy to his feet. Everyone freezes, their mouths ajar as Armstrong's skinless hand twitches and leaks thick red blood all over the barroom’s hardwood floor. Finally, Christ breaks the silence.

"Jesus Christ."

As Armstrong begins screaming Christ reacts by trying to slide the skin back over the tendons and bones, but it just tears, and in his fumbling his hands stick to Armstrong’s fleshless and bloody muscles. Armstrong pushes him away, knocking him against the bar, and spilling his wine. The bartender backs towards the wall behind him, shotgun drawn, and notices the wine dripping off the bar.

“Did you steal my booze?”

Jesus looks back at the bartender, mouth agape and arms waving in the air, and shrugs. The moment is broken by Armstrong.

“Oh God! Oh God it’s happening! The bracelet was the only thing keeping it at bay!”

Christ and the bartender look at each other, than back at Armstrong, whose attention has been refocused on his own groin. A bulge is growing beneath his spandex bike shorts. The bulge swells at an alarming rate, quickly tearing through the right side of the spandex. The mass is flesh colored, textured like a mollusk’s shell, and engulfed in thick, coarse hair.

“What the fuck is that, Lance?!” Christ shouts, dropping the floppy remains of Armstrong’s hand skin and Livestrong bracelet.

“It’s the cancer. We cut one out, but the other wouldn’t die! Aarguue! She kept growing, she threatened to take over the world! The power of the bracelet was the only thing that kept her under control! Aaaaiieee!!”

The testicular tumor is now larger then Armstrong’s head, and emitting terrible noises, like a screaming infant. Christ begins to frantically dig in his pockets as the three bikers try to move around behind the commotion and out the exit. The bartender appears to have had enough, and raises the gun to the monster escaping Armstrong’s pants.

But he reacts too late. The screaming tumor rips its way out of Armstrong’s skin, and slathers the entire bar, tender, Christ, Gacy, and the three bikers included, in the biker’s vital fluids. Christ wipes some of the gore from his face, then continues fumbling in his pockets, but no one seems to notice. As the tumor creature continues to swell Gacy lifts his bag from the booth and produces…

Continued in Erix blog.