My mother told me today that Britney Spears was going to be
in the new Tarantino movie. After she did I told her why it wasn’t true and
wouldn’t be happening. The original story broke with the UK Telegraph and was
then circulated around the globe where it was either proven false (CHUD) or
regarded as accurate (newspapers, radio, TV, other dumber regions of THE
ALMIGHTY INTERNET).

It’s a stupid rumor, but a fun one. And it reminded me of a
few other memorable ones. So, here are some that have tickled my fancy over the
past few years.

Al Pacino cast as
lead villain in Bond 22.

Imagine if that ever happened. Pacino’s
last outing as a villain was Ocean’s 13. And boy was that an event. Boring.
Thrilless. Really something to not remember. Pacino hasn’t been menacing for a
long time. But as you already know, things such as being fit for the role aren’t
always a huge concern for studios.

Reasons why it’s a good rumor: Plausible enough to warrant
further investigation. It allowed me to dream up a scene involving Bond being
captured and subsequently told to; “Sit- SIT DOOOOOWN!” It could have actually
happened.

While we’re on Bond…

Amy Winehouse cast as
next Bond girl.

Holy fuck. I remember reading this on joblo.com (don’t
remember original source) about two years back. I wasn’t aware of who Ms Winehouse
at the time. Now I know her to the that thing that is horrible to look at and
listen to. The overdose can’t come any sooner. Anyway, as we all know now, she
was being looked at to do the opening song. Not star in the friggin’ thing.
That’s a good ol’ whoopsie in the journo department.

Reasons why it’s a great rumor: She’s ugly. Disgusting. Look
at the teeth. AND it was a good example of misreporting what the actual story
was.

Uwe Boll is involved
in Metal Gear Solid film.

No he isn’t. Never was, never will be. Whilst people are
stupid enough to push Meet Dave all
the way through to the final product, NO-ONE is stupid enough to attach Boll to
MGS. Which is exactly why 99% of the internet community didn’t believe it.
So why is it still a good rumor? It gave imdb members another
chance (oh do they need it?) to embarrass themselves once again by getting
together in threads and debating over such important issues as
-Why this is an abomination!
- How we, as the fan base, can stop it from happening!
-Help us draft a petition!
- Okay people, prove your loyalty and sign our ‘No Boll for
MGS’ petition!
-100 signatures! The fans have spoken!

GTA movie in the
works at Dreamworks.

I’m sure that numerous people across the globe have probably
already thought whilst playing the game; ‘Hey wouldn’t it be awesome if they
made a GTA movie!

The thing is, most people would then realize that the whole
point of GTA is being able to offer gamers the experience of playing through
the action/gangster/mob films they’ve been watching for the past thirty years.
The games are influenced by the films. Easy to understand. Vice City has big
chunks of Carlito’s Way rammed into it. And then there’s Scarface and Miami
Vice and blah blah blah. So when gamesindustry.biz reported that producer
Michael DeLuca was pushing through a GTA movie…they were wrong. I am aware that
it’s quite possible that some idiot would try and make a GTA film happen, but
I’d prefer in this instance to assume that everyone in Hollywood had some sense about them.

Reasons why it’s a dumb rumor: There are no recurring lead
characters. Everything (mostly) that happens in a GTA game is ripped from an
already existing crime film. (Why it’s not a dumb rumor: it would make more money than Street
Kings)

Half Life movie on
the way!


…..
Lead character Freeman doesn’t talk. Valve’s Steam is all
about giving the developer more flexibility for shaping the narrative direction
of their series, as well as the release model, both of which have been designed
to cater for all that the HL fan wants. Freeman doesn’t talk.

Sam Raimi directing
The Hobbit.

It’s not that I don’t believe that Raimi’s name on the list
of potential directors for The Hobbit…I just think it’s unlikely that he’d be
the one to get it in the end. And he didn’t. Why?
He just spent $250million+ on a film which failed to have:
-A tone
consistent with previous installments (important with LOTR as pissed  off fans
may not buy the 8th edition of the DVD if it’s uneven.)
-Finished special effects. I refused to believe that the
effects team had finished their job before prints were sent out. Not for that
amount of money. No way.
-A well rounded treatment of an iconic character. (“Oh, the
dragon? Well, when you think about it, we can pack that whole thing into
20minutes.”)
-Critical acclaim. Yes this matters. Return of the King won
some people some Oscars. Those people want more.

I say all this because I think that the people behind The
Hobbit have too good of a bullshit barometer to let Raimi slip through with all
the things deemed unsatisfactory about Spidey 3.

And if he was in consideration because he was able to make 3
films with budgets over $150million…well that puts Brett Ratner on the list
too. And we all know that wouldn’t happen (Unless we lived in a perfect world). 

Ah rumors…gotta love em.

p.s: Megatron is coming back. That high water pressure didn’t
do shit.