I want to aologize for the tardiness of this column. I was up at 7:45 this morning waiting with my laptop on my lap (which I hate to do for fear of burning "the boys"), and then nohing was happening on ABC at 8:05am. Then on the Oscar site, I saw PM listed as the time for the announcements. Must have been a gaffe. Then, my dog had a seizure. So yeah, this morning was a cock.

Then the announcements came and the numbness went away. I have never had the pleasure to call a friend to congratulate then on one Oscar nomination before… LET ALONE SIX, but now I have. Guillermo’s official statement might read something like this:

"Holy fucking shit Nunziata, I am steering my car with my boner right now."


Here’s the color coding to these announcements, my comments beneath:

GREEN – Good! WHITE – Indifferent! YELLOW – Fuck You if You Win!

Best Picture

Babel, The Departed, Letters from Iwo Jima, Little Miss Sunshine, The Queen

A lot of people find The Departed primed for a ‘lifetime achievement award’ gift to Martin Scorsese and to them I say ‘piss off’. I have seen that film four times in the theater and each time it makes me a little happier to be a human being and not the minotaur I dream to be. It’s a great flick and since neither The Fountain, Children of Men, or Pan’s Labyrinth got the nod it’s a deserved and just award for Marty and it has NOTHING to do with his previous snubs. That said, Little Miss Sunshine is decent at best. If it wins, I might punch that ugly little girl in the panties.


Best Director

Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu (Babel), Martin Scorsese (The Departed), Clint Eastwood (Letters from Iwo Jima), Stephen Frears (The Queen), Paul Greengrass (United 93)

Greengrass deserves this award, but so does Marty. People who don’t include Clint Eastwood. I love him, but no. It’s a toss-up to me, because it’s almost as hard to juggle a remake and the highest wattage cast since ever as it is to do a September 11th movie that doesn’t pander. I’m inclined to have my fingers crossed for Greengrass.


Best Actor

Leonardo DiCaprio (Blood Diamond), Ryan Gosling (Half Nelson), Peter O’Toole (Venus), Will Smith (The Pursuit of Happyness), Forest Whitaker (The Last King of Scotland)

Who does Sir Peter of the Tools think he is, coming out from nowhere for his obligatory Autumnal Oscar? I hear Whitaker deserves it, but I’m rooting for Gosling. Will Smith doesn’t deserve it simply because of the bad grammar in his film’s title.


Best Actress

Penelope Cruz (Volver), Judi Dench (Notes on a Scandal), Helen Mirren (The Queen), Meryl Streep (The Devil Wears Prada), Kate Winslet (Little Children)

Remember back when Meryl Streep would get nominated just for having a vagina? Those days are back. Mirren is so going to win this award, if for nothing else than for charming Niger Terry all those many years ago. Trivia: Excalibur was the first R-Rated film I saw in a theater.


Best Supporting Actor


Alan Arkin (Little Miss Sunshine), Jackie Earle Haley (Little Children), Djimon Hounsou (Blood Diamond), Eddie Murphy (Dreamgirls), Mark Wahlberg (The Departed)

A very interesting group of fellows. I think Arkin will get it for playing the Imogene Coco role from Vacation, but Hollywood loves a comeback story and what is a more Hollywood comeback story than Eddie Murphy. He went from brilliant and rich to absolutely horrid and rich and now seems to be brilliant and rich, if for but a moment. He’s never not been here, but Hollywood doesn’t care. Jackie Earle Haley deserves it for both playing a child molestor and for being Jackie Earle Haley and relevant. I love that guy.


Best Supporting Actress


Adriana Barraza (Babel), Cate Blanchett (Notes on a Scandal), Abigail Breslin (Little Miss Sunshine), Jennifer Hudson (Dreamgirls), Rinko Kikuchi (Babel)

Hudson should win and I think her win should make it legal to cancel American Idol and all it represents. Once again, if the kid wins I am punching her right in the puss.


Foreign Language Film


After the Wedding (Denmark), Days of Glory (Indigenes), Algeria, The Lives of Others (Germany), Pan’s Labyrinth (Mexico), Water (Canada)

Wait, Canada speaks French? When did this shit start? Pan’s Labyrinth not only deserves this award, it deserves this award. I think it alone has kept Mexico from using its weapons of mass destruction on its neighbors to the North.


Adapted Screenplay


Borat, Children of Men, The Departed, Little Children, Notes on a Scandal

This can go any way and I’d be fine with it. I actually think Monahan created an amazingly entertaining movie from what was a slick and cool but nowhere near as rich original.


Original Screenplay


Babel, Letters from Iwo Jima, Little Miss Sunshine, Pan’s Labyrinth, The Queen

Duh. Call me a sucker for fantasy, but Guillermo fucking went all out on this one.


Animated Feature Film


Cars, Happy Feet, Monster House

Monster House will never win in a million years but it was the best of these, if not a little flawed. Plus, it didn’t have Robin Williams or Larry the Cable Guy. It was the only one of these that understood that you can be an animated film but you can still operate under the laws of regular filmmaking. You don’t have to have singing animals or talking goddamn cars to be both animated and worthwhile to kids and adults.


Art Direction


Dreamgirls, The Good Shepherd, Pan’s Labyrinth, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest, The Prestige

Hard to argue against any of these, so I’ll go with the one I personally want to win.


Cinematography


The Black Dahlia, Children of Men, The Illusionist, Pan’s Labyrinth, The Prestige

Wow, this is tough but Guillermo Navarro is the best thing since sliced head. Robert Rodriguez was foolish to give up on him.


Sound Mixing


Apocalypto, Blood Diamond, Dreamgirls, Flags of Our Fathers, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest

Can’t really cough up much enthusiasm here at all. Where the fuck is The Fountain?


Sound Editing


Apocalypto, Blood Diamond, Flags of Our Fathers, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest

Wake me up when it’s over.


Original Score


Babel, The Good German, Notes on a Scandal, Pan’s Labyrinth, The Queen

Fairy tale and its haunting lullabye take the square.


Original Song

An Inconvenient Truth, Dreamgirls, Dreamgirls, Cars, Dreamgirls

I wonder who will win? Now if Al Gore had sung the tune for his film…

Costume

Curse of the Golden Flower, The Devil Wears Prada, Dreamgirls, Marie Antoinette, The Queen

Where’s Apocalypto? They actually had to THINK a lot.


Documentary Feature

Deliver Us From Evil, An Inconvenient Truth, Iraq in Fragments, Jesus Camp, My Country, My Country

People need a reason to see the flick about global warming to realize that it, like the Holocaust and Moon Landing… might be real.


Documentary (Short Subject)

The Blood of Yingzhou District, Recycled Life, Rehearsing a Dream, Two Hands

I don’t have time for shorter films!

Film Editing

Babel, Blood Diamond, Children of Men, The Departed, United 93

Jesus this is tough. As opposed to this is Tough Jesus… from Pemmican!


Makeup

Apocalypto, Click, Pan’s Labyrinth

Oscar Nominee Click. fuck you, Academy.


Animated Short Film

The Danish Poet, Lifted, The Little Matchgirl, Maestro, No Time For Nuts

I have even less time in my busy schedule for ANIMATED short films.


Live Action Short Film

Binta and the Great Idea, Eramos Pocos, Helmer & Son, The Saviour, West Bank Story

What, you people can’t stretch the story of a kid eating an apple to 3 hours? Amateurs.


Visual Effects

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest, Poseidon, Superman Returns

When Michelin commercials have better effects than the films I grew up on, this award seems useless. Let’s see which department that had 40 million dollars to do special effects deserves a statue the most.