A Nice Hard Slap – Fuck This Face II: Fuck This Face Harder.
I have to admit that I’m both alarmed, warmed, and slightly nauseous at the response to my blog about the chiseled and boring face of the kid from Twilight.
People seemed to think it was some heavily researched editorial rather
than a blog I took five minutes to write. For those who don’t know, a
blog to me is a stream-of-consciousness missive to be judged on a much
different level than an actual article. Blogs are fun but in my case
they’re mostly trivial little excuses to keep a line of communication
with the reader rather than actual articles or editorials. Blogs are to
those as parsley is to an entree. Garnish, a little added value but not
of the same merit.
But I’m a blog snob, so whatever…
But I have to hand it to the fan base of Twilight,
because they take the cake. After doing some research I’m proud to say
that even considering the rabid fanbases for multitudes of other
properties out there, they are the most rabid and quick to fight of any
out there. Which is pretty incredible considering how flimsy and lame
and easy their beloved property is. Twilight
is by most accounts by people old enough to vote vapid tripe, teen
gothic literature for those unwilling to hunt out the decent and
time-tried stuff out there. It seems to make Anne Rice’s work look like
F. Scott Fitzgerald in comparison.
The response from fans has been funny, one-dimensional, and telling.
It’s
either “You’ll never get laid”, “You don’t know anything about
anything”, or “You’re ugly and only jealous of the glorious Edward
Cullen”. I must admit, I don’t consider myself a prime lothario but
rather a man who can get by on three or four sexual encounters with other people
a week. Additionally, I don’t know much about anything but I can hold
my own when discussing somethings, whatevers, widgets, and thingies.
Lastly, I am not as superficially attractive as the effete young Robert
Pattinson but once you get to know me my charms slip to the surface
where they do yeoman’s work. With that all in mind, the majority of the
people who piped in with comments are not only fans of a silly property
but representative of much that is wrong with the state of blue chip
franchises and their fans.
With Star Wars thankfully running on fumes, Harry Potter almost spent [and to casual fans like myself, just simply tired], Pirates of the Caribbean probably not deserving of the same pedigree, and The Lord of the Rings
several years away from pounding our senses, it’s mostly about the
comic book stuff and the next wave of artificially sweetened fantasy
literature to carry the torch.
Thing is, everything feels processed these days. Built to sell. Lowest common denominator stuff. How does Twilight
reach the spotlight when the shelves are packed with very similar
droves of weak gothic vampire shit geared towards girls old enough to
read but too young to have taste.
Then I saw the trailer. And the MySpace takeover:
Holy crap, this is more dire than I feared.
That a few Twilight blogs (surely no one could actually cobble a content driven WEBSITE, and for those who don’t know… this place is a site as opposed to a measly sub-superior blog) linked to my blog, which is not an article but rather a simple little missive, doesn’t surprise me. It seems that defending Twilight
is thirsty work. I mean, imagine how many literate people there are out
there who have read countless books in the vampire genre that are about
more than creating drama for the barely menstrual. I’d imagine any of
those folks with some free time and web access can wreak havoc on a Twilight fan’s dreams, what with their knowledge and savvy!
Let me pigeonhole a little:
You might be a Twilight reader if…
1. You’re single, over 30, and tend to shop at Lane Bryant.
2.
You’re in middle school or high school and trying to figure out what to
do with yourself because you hate the cheerleaders but think it’s time
to stop ironically wearing Hello Kitty stuff.
3. You’re a boy and can’t find where dad hides his gun and bullets.
4. You’re a boy and really want to fuck that goth girl in 3rd period French.
5. You’re a junior executive at ICM and need to be on top of shit.
6. You are a molestor and need an icebreaker.
7. Fuck you.
I’ve pissed off the kids. I also got to Harry Knowles. But the bottom line isn’t about the material. In reality, there’s a new Twilight
every half decade whether it takes the form of the Christopher
Paolini’s dragon books, the Demonata series, or the Anita Blake books.
It’s more a matter of priorities. When is too young to start reaching
for more? When is it time to be mildly impressed by a property to the
point of wanting to find out what’s better out there?
When
I was younger I was ravenous for material. Once I saw a cool movie I
wanted to find out everything by that filmmaker, everything in that
genre, and all the stuff that led to its existence. As a young reader I
got into Stephen King and read everything I could get my hands on,
which filtered to the authors he recommended in Danse Macabre and on down the line.
It
seems that with the incredible amount of information at people’s
fingertips, there isn’t that same yearning for BETTER. The people who
live and die by this particular series seem to be selling themselves
awfully short. To muster the bile to defend it seems ill spent.
Then
again to write a series of blogs (Fuck This Face With a Vengeance is
forthcoming) is also time ill spent. I just think I’ve found something
here. Something more oddly fanatical than the near sexual frenzies
generated by Trekkies, Browncoats, and Star-Assholes or whatever
they’re calling themselves this year.
Sucklings (what I’m calling Twlight
fans until something better happens) are a breed altogether new.
Special? Maybe in the same way that olympians are. Regardless, I’ve
only scratched the surface of this phenomenon, though I doubt they’ll
bring the same amount of vitroil to the comments section of this one.
Click and get sad.
–
Nick Nunziata wants to be more like Tom Cullen than Edward Cullen.
Before
I go, here’s the latest thing I’m adding to the blog. Each day I blog I’ll
have a song, a piece of artwork, a photo, a Mary Worth, or something to
further justify your click and to give the trolls a little more ammo. Today, the latest Killing Swarm song, CANCER OF THE EVERYTHING. Drums, John – Guitar – Micah, Bass – Steve, Vocals – Nick: