A Nice Hard Slap – If I Win the Lottery Tomorrow

If I Win The Lottery Tomorrow.

There’s like a 150 million dollar lottery happening here in Georgia
and I think it’s about time I moseyed up to the ticket gettin’ place
and got a winning ticket so I can finance the things that simply need
to happen for this world to go from being a pretty meager success story
in the history of planets to the TOP EARTH OF EVER.

Things stacked against me:

1. Teeth. I have them.
2. Trailer. I don’t live in one.
3. Charity. I’d donate to one. Or seven.
4. Penises. But I can tell them to leave. But, in the Penis Sweepstakes I’m stacked, ladies. Trust Me*.

But if I win, oh the joys that would be had.

The first orders of business:

1. Obtain the rights to Madballs. Create the first Madballs film ever to sweep the Oscars. Balls + Faces + Melodrama = Instant Platinum.
2. Sock a few George’s aside in case my daughter thinks college ain’t a piece of shit.
3. Buy outer space. The whole thing.
4. New carpets. For the home and for the wife, if you know what I’m…
5. Buy a million copies of my own band’s CD to make it a huge hit and then mail them to a million unwanting “fans”.
6. Torque on every theater screen every day until the Mayan Doomsday arrives… and is quickly thwarted by Torque.
7. Give a nice fat check to Bruce McGill for all he’s done.
8. Madballs 2, fuckers!
9. Finance a Red Dawn-esque invasion. I don’t really care where.
10. Poke George Lucas in the eye.
11. Have Kenny Baker imprisoned on bogus charges.
12. Hire Reb Brown, Martin Kove, Fred Ward, Mark Macauley, Kane
    Hodder, and Clint Howard (the Mastermind) to bust Kenny Baker out of
    prison with extreme prejudice. BECAUSE I CAN.
13. Surround my modest home with 24 hour patrols by skinny men in Black Hole Sentry costumes.
14. Surround my modest home with a 6-foot wall of diamonds.
15. Remake all of my dumb childhood 8mm movies with lavish sets and all-star casts. Except for The Happening, which is already happening.
16. New holiday. Free Pap Smear Day!
17. Buy a major newspaper and only run updates on Anthony Quinn’s whereabouts. Example: “June 11th, 2008 – Still Graveridden.”
18. Have margerine uncreated.
19. Buy a soda for my loved ones.
20. Have a device planted in my genitals that allows me to ejaculate magic shell instead of my own overrated boy sauce.

– Nick Nunziata is already planning his victory speech.

* – Stacked = small times large divided by small plus small once again divided by large.

And now… a Mary Worth War Strip from the vault…

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