If I Win The Lottery Tomorrow.
There’s like a 150 million dollar lottery happening here in Georgia
and I think it’s about time I moseyed up to the ticket gettin’ place
and got a winning ticket so I can finance the things that simply need
to happen for this world to go from being a pretty meager success story
in the history of planets to the TOP EARTH OF EVER.
Things stacked against me:
- Teeth. I have them.
- Trailer. I don’t live in one.
- Charity. I’d donate to one. Or seven.
- Penises. But I can tell them to leave. But, in the Penis Sweepstakes I’m stacked, ladies. Trust Me*.
But if I win, oh the joys that would be had.
The first orders of business:
- Obtain the rights to Madballs. Create the first Madballs film ever to sweep the Oscars. Balls + Faces + Melodrama = Instant Platinum.
- Sock a few George’s aside in case my daughter thinks college ain’t a piece of shit.
- Buy outer space. The whole thing.
- New carpets. For the home and for the wife, if you know what I’m…
- Buy a million copies of my own band’s CD to make it a huge hit and then mail them to a million unwanting “fans”.
- Torque on every theater screen every day until the Mayan Doomsday arrives… and is quickly thwarted by Torque.
- Give a nice fat check to Bruce McGill for all he’s done.
- Madballs 2, fuckers!
- Finance a Red Dawn-esque invasion. I don’t really care where.
- Poke George Lucas in the eye.
- Have Kenny Baker imprisoned on bogus charges.
- Hire Reb Brown, Martin Kove, Fred Ward, Mark Macauley, Kane
Hodder, and Clint Howard (the Mastermind) to bust Kenny Baker out of
prison with extreme prejudice. BECAUSE I CAN.
- Surround my modest home with 24 hour patrols by skinny men in Black Hole Sentry costumes.
- Surround my modest home with a 6-foot wall of diamonds.
- Remake all of my dumb childhood 8mm movies with lavish sets and all-star casts. Except for The Happening, which is already happening.
- New holiday. Free Pap Smear Day!
- Buy a major newspaper and only run updates on Anthony Quinn’s whereabouts. Example: “June 11th, 2008 – Still Graveridden.”
- Have margerine uncreated.
- Buy a soda for my loved ones.
- Have a device planted in my genitals that allows me to ejaculate magic shell instead of my own overrated boy sauce.
- Nick Nunziata is already planning his victory speech.
* – Stacked = small times large divided by small plus small once again divided by large.
And now… a Mary Worth War Strip from the vault…
All apologizes to the creators of the strip. This intended as parody only and not an attempt to be the best thing ever.