I got to say, the number of different stories regarding the fate of Veronica Mars (beyond getting her head smashed in by Powers Boothe, but we knew that already) don’t give me hope for the show’s fourth season. Last Friday, we ran a story where Enrico “Daddy Mars” Colantoni was quoted as saying the CW had rejected the proposed “Veronica at the FBI, you know, like Karen Sisco, oh wait, she’s a federal marshal and that show got canned anyway, our bad” presentation. Now, Mars creator told Moron Mike Ausiello that he “has no earthly idea what Enrico is talking about.” While the CW has seen and loved the third season finale of the struggling private eye show, they aren’t apparently looking at the pitches for either the FBI idea or a continuation of Veronica Mars’ college saga on May 2nd. All these conflicting stories make me think that the show’s already been shit-canned, and people are just spinning spin until spin can’t be spun no’ mo’.


Saturday Night Live continue with its long and storied history of self-fellation on May 5th when it presents a special “Best of 2006-07” episode. Honestly, I think this year’s been all right – what I’ve seen of it, and Weekend Update’s always got one major laugh. Amy Poehler is still reining champion of the show, but it’s been one of those years where the level of the talent on screen isn’t being backed up by the talent of the writers. Seth Myers and everyone else on that show, y’all need to step up your game. “Dick In A Box” was pretty great, but like “Lazy Sunday” it got old, fast, and one sketch like that does not a season make. (Also, “Cock in a Box” would have been funnier.) “Dick In A Box” is one of the digital shorts audiences who also have an AT&T cell phone can vote for as part of some lame synergetic competition. The winner of the Best Digital Short will air on the 5th as part of the special. The nominees are, in order of worst to best: 5. “Body Fuzion”, 4. “Laser Cats 2” (Seriously, what the fuck was this shit? That skit is exactly why I want to smack the crap out of Andy Samberg. You’re not nearly as funny as you think you are!), 3. “Sloths”, 2. “Dick In A Box,” and 1. “Peyton Manning for the United Way.” (Because really, that was unbelievably awesome.)


Well, it looks like Joan and Melissa Rivers forgot to renew their contract with the Beezlebub, The Prince of Darkness (or as we call him in tv land, Maury Povich), because the mother-daughter pair are out as TV Guide’s red-carpet hosts of choice. Lisa Rinna, last seen jumping off a bridge on Dancing with the Stars: Echolls Family Edition, will replace the queens of horrible plastic surgery, giving her the tremendous opportunity to botch facts about star vehicles and ask horribly inappropriate and/or annoying questions to Ryan Gosling. The ousting was engineered by Rinna’s agents at Crane, Poole, & Schmidt, who managed to yank the “illustrious” gig away from the Rivers’ people over at Wolfram & Hart. I hope they know what they’re getting into. Dragons, Shatner. Dragons!


I don’t watch a lot of reality television, and by a lot, I mean “none.” However, I have been watching the last couple weeks of American Idol for gits and shiggles, although now that America voted off Haley and her legs, I don’t really care anymore, but I’ll keep watching because, you know, blah blah blah blah American event blah blah blah Death Star blah blah blah Superbowl of Music. (FYI, I maintain that Jordin will win it all, and that Melinda and Lakisha are going to go down very soon.) And I cannot tell you how sick I already am of American Idol: Idol Gives Back, the two-night event that starts tomorrow with Guest Coach Bono. And it was announced recently that Ellen DeGeneres will be the guest host for the special two-hour results show on Wednesday night, featuring performances from people I couldn’t possibly care less about. At least Live 8 had the Boomtown Rats and R.E.M.

I will watch the Performances and get the results online, because I am not sitting through two hours of Daniel Radcliffe making Equus jokes and digs at Simon Cowell. Even if it is for a good cause, although honestly, it would be nice if the cause were for something a little more specific than “poverty.” Poverty’s nice, it’s safe, it’s something that even Jack Bauer can get behind. (“TELL ME WHERE TO DONATE THESE SHIRTS FROM THE PRESIDENT’S COUNCIL ON PHYSICAL FITNESS, OR I WILL HURT YOU!” “I’M JACK BAUER, AND I’M A FEDERAL AGENT!” “…mr. bauer, this is the aa meeting. i think you want the soup kitchen down the hall. please don’t hurt me.”) But I can’t help but think there are other causes in the country and in the world that Idol could have gotten behind that would have been just as powerful – especially for a show as watched as this one is.


Hey, interweb fan community! Wake the fuck up. You guys launched ridiculously annoying campaigns for pretty much every show with pretty people and some lame cgi effects in the last five years. Friday Night Lights fans gave eye drops (clear eyes), foam hearts (full hearts), and NERF footballs (get it?) to people at NBC. Roswell fans sent Tabasco sauce to WB execs, for Christ’s sake. And yet, CBS shitcans Bob Villa and you’re silent? You should be ashamed of yourselves. He’s been on television for 28 years and there’s no outrage? No full-page ad in Variety talking about your last-minute and long-term efforts to save his show? No ornately carved homes sent to the network? Are you kidding? Shame on you. Shame on you all.


I watched your show tonight, just to see if you were messing with us comic book nerds at the Paley Festival. In short: Fuck you.