since not seeing 2005’s The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, I’ve been desperate for a sequel that would specifically send the quartet of girls to Turkey, Greece, New York, Vermont and Providence. Why, these locations seem positively ideal for some estrogen-injected hijinks! Now that Variety has made me the happiest cad in the world by confirming that the sequel to The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants – based on Forever in Blue, the Neil Diamond-citing fourth book in the series, but tentatively titled Bustin’ at the Seams – will indeed span those five… er, three countries, one state and one state capital (under the direction of music video veteran Sanaa Hamri, who evinced zero aptitude for feature filmmaking with Something New), we can now begin speculating what the girls will get into this time ’round the globe.

My suggestion? Fuckin’. Loads of fuckin’. Save for America Fererra. Her segment should be about a walk-a-thon from Vermont to Rhode Island.

Let’s start with the leggy Blake Lively. I think she should be fuckin’ in Greece with that diminutive drink of Mythos lager, Elias Koteas, who plays the country’s Secretary of Fuckin’, Gyro Souvlaki. What seems like love at first fuck curdles faster than milk left on top of a space heater (and fucked), when it turns out that Secretary Souvlaki’s been slipping the rotisserie-carved beef to Lively’s arch-fuckin’-rival, Feta Loukaniko (Irene Papas). Lively leaves the country in tears, vowing never to fuck Greek men again, only to fall for ex-NBA star Rony Seikaly. When he informs her, while fuckin’, that he is actually Lebanese and was only schooled in Greece, Lively fucks him some more.

(You can go ahead and check out now. If you’re seriously looking forward to this sequel, the movie is tentatively scheduled to start fuckin’ shooting on June 3rd.)

Then you’ve got Amber Tamblyn. Tired of fuckin’, she travels to Turkey, which she mistakenly believes has banned fuckin’ after a fuck bomb planted by anti-fuckin’ separatists levels the oldest Orange Julius in Istanbul. However, upon arriving, she immediately learns that everybody’s fuckin’ in Turkey in defiance of the anti-fuckin’ attacks; after fuckin’ the strong and hairless Vic Howitzer (Tank Akan), a decorated war hero who twice received the country’s highest honor, the Medal of Fuckin’, Tamblyn joins a pro-fuckin’ strike force deployed to a fuck-neutral region just outside of the Stickitinme Mountains, where they fuck the entire region into a fuckin’ parking lot.

Finally, there’s Alexis Bledel. Interested in launching a charity for the fuckin’ impaired, she travels to New York City to meet with the regining World Champion of Fuckin’, Ira Nussbaum, in order to curry favor with the fuckin’ elite. When he rebuffs her fuckin’ overtures out of fuckin’ pride, she…

… and I’ve officially worn this already strained premise right the fuck out.

Elizabeth Chandler is working on the script, which, in all seriousness, I hear she’s scrambling to complete in order to not miss the four gals’ very limited window of availability. The first film did a so-so $42 million worldwide, but was a huge hit on DVD, thus justifying this second jaunt. Fuckin’ A.