STUDIO: Warner Home Video
MSRP: $29.98
RATED: Not Rated
RUNNING TIME: 565 minutes

The Pitch

Pure evil does exist.

The Humans

John Stamos, Bob Saget, Dave Coulier, Lori Loughlin, Candace Cameron, Jodie Sweetin, The Olsen Twins.

"Yep, we suck THIS BIG…"

The Nutshell

Danny Tanner (Saget) is a widower father of three young daughters (Cameron, Sweetin, Olsens) that he’s raising with his two best friends, Joey (Coulier) and Jesse (Stamos), who live with him in his San Francisco house. Eight seasons of sugar coma-inducingly sweet, gut wrenchingly stupid family entertainment hell ensues.

The Lowdown

I hate this show. HATE IT. Always have, always will. It defined the word “suck.” It’s death incarnate. This is the worst show ever in the history of primetime American television. There’s absolutely not one redeeming thing about this show. Not one. Okay, a young Lori Loughlin, but other than that, zilch. Every lowest common denominator that the show runners could take for ratings – sickeningly cute little kids, hunk appeal in the form of a John Stamos and his power mullet, and enough laugh tracks to choke 1,000 clown cars full of red nosed bozos – were crammed up America’s collective ass for nearly 200 episodes.

The funny thing is that this Olsen’s net weight really hasn’t changed much from this picture…

This show embodies everything, everything that I’ve grown to absolutely loathe about sitcoms, particularly family sitcoms. The absolute worst thing that immediately stands out about Full House to me is the writing: aimed exclusively at either three-year-olds, retards, or three-year-old-retards. The most idiotic, lame-brained, family value laughs were dispensed at a pace that have you thinking of ten different ways to kill yourself every few seconds. And the characters are drawn to be the absolute paragons of wholesomeness that just makes you want to vomit, or shit, or vomit your own shit.

Let’s start off with Bob Saget. From what I’ve heard of Saget the comedian, he’s as foul-mouthed and obscene as any comic out there, yet here he’s dumbed-down version of the typical family sitcom father. He brought that same sensibility to America’s Funniest Home Videos, which is pretty much why I frequently choked in between the actual videos when he was doing his shtick on that show as well. And John Stamos, whom I’ve never really disliked for whatever reason, mostly because he managed to bag Rebecca Romijn, plays a carbon copy of Saget’s character, only wrapped in a wannabe rocker role. But none of them are worse than Dave Coulier, who, I think, has to be the most untalented so-called comedian I’ve ever seen, period. The guy’s whole shtick is Popeye and other cartoon impressions. Here, he’s just a complete imbecile, a buffoon, and that’s the nicest way I can put it. How this guy ever got a career is a complete mystery to me. As for Lori Loughlin, who’s a knockout to be sure, she’s frumped up in this show, frequently wearing dumpy house gowns, which is just a crime in itself.

"This is both my current net worth in billions and the number of carrot sticks I’ve had this month…"

Finally there are the three kids: Candace Cameron, Jodie Sweetin, and those Olsen kids that everyone’s forgotten about. Now I’m usually not the biggest fan of kid actors, especially TV kid actors, but these three I consider to be casualties of their situation. They’re written to get into more trouble than anyone this side of Dennis the Menace. And they each must have had maple syrup in their veins because they’re the sweetest, most God-blessed little darlings pretty much ever in Nielsenland. Disgusting. I puke strawberry shortcakes whenever I watch them for more than 10 seconds. The two little moppets playing Stamos’ and Loughlin’s twin sons (Blake and Dylan Tuomy-Wilhoit) make me puke whipped cream to go along with my shortcakes. Nothing heartened me more to find out that they both left acting right after the show and are, in the words of IMDB, “trying to lead normal lives.” Good for them.

"Hello, 911? Yes, I’d like to report a crime: I’m on primetime with absolutely no talent…"

I can’t possibly convey enough how much this show is pure concentrated evil. This show rivals Nazi propaganda in its sheer insidiousness. Fuck waterboarding, if we showed this to the Gitmo detainees on a round–the-clock basis, we’d have found the location of every Al Qaeda stronghold within 20 minutes. If you can watch this show without wanting to kill yourself or someone else, you’re not human.

The Package

Thank God, there were no extras. I just wouldn’t have been able to take it. The show is TV aspect ratio and on tape. Yet two more reasons to despise it. Jesus Christ, I need to freebase a gallon of insulin after having seen five minutes of this shit.

Oh Lord, they’ve already begun breeding…

-10 out of 10